Is Selfish a Bad Word? Revisiting Learning #9

The results and subsequent analysis of the 2024 Presidential Election is causing me to revisit one of the learnings and lessons in my best-selling book, All Pride, No Ego : A queer executive’s journey to living and leading authentically.

I wrote that book and lesson in 2021 and 2022, and the message was about being raised learning that “selfish” was a bad word and something you were not supposed to be. As a child, I was punished for being selfish, which often meant I was being unkind to my sister or not sharing. I was paddled often, so the learning literally was embedded in my brain and my tush. I took it to extremes and became the ultimate caretaker and caregiver, often putting others' needs before my own. I would give and give until my batteries ran down, and then I would become bitter and resentful that I was not being appreciated appropriately. With the help of my therapist and executive coach, I came to realize that I needed to reframe my thinking about selfishness. I needed to build new habits and new neuro pathways to better understand the concept.

From those learnings, I began to think of “selfish” as “self-care”. I embarked on a journey of meditation, journaling, therapy, and physical fitness. I explored health resorts, applications, self improvement reading, and podcasts. Ultimately, I began a transformation that I shared in my book. I truly was able to embrace the importance of my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. My final “a-ha” moment was on an airplane trip during the safety demonstration. The part about putting your own mask on first before helping others really hit home for me. I had realized that I would be a better manager, leader, and human being if I took care of my needs first and held back on my caretaker habits. 

My need to revisit this learning is based on what I perceive as a very worrisome trend in our country currently. As I watch, listen, and learn to the dialogues and debates surrounding us, I am saddened to see so much division, separation, and selfishness.   It seems that people only care about themselves and their immediate family now more than ever. We have lost concern about our neighbors, our communities, our cities, and the larger civil society. When I was growing up, my parents and my extended family role-modeled caring for me and my sister. We learned about volunteering, attended Church together to learn faith, and that there was always someone who needed our assistance. We were taught to be grateful for what we had and to practice simple acts of kindness.

The Golden Rule was a guiding principle for our family.  

Where and when did our society change so dramatically? Was it caused by the challenging economic conditions? 

Did the Covid pandemic create so much isolation and withdrawal that it caused permanent damage to our community?

Did the constant barrage of negative campaign misinformation and communication really sink in and change behavior?

I am not sure I will ever fully understand the current situation, but I am committed to continue to study and learn and remain vigilant. I truly want and need to believe that we can return to a civilization that cares about the greater good, as well as their immediate families.   

Am I expecting too much??

As we enter the Season of Giving and Joy, I am hopeful we can learn together and share stories of community and gratitude.

What do you think??