Set the Tone

This past week was just like most weeks. My wife and I got up early, got ready for the day, and went to work. When we got home we greeted each other and then figured out dinner. One of those days I was able to get home a bit early and I started dinner. I wanted to have things ready for Debbie before she got home herself. Things were almost ready to be served when she arrived.

She greeted me warmly but I didn't reciprocate. There was no reason for that. She hadn't done anything other than open the door and say, "Hello." I was in a dark, somber mood out of nowhere. Nothing had caused it. The dinner was easy to make. There was no reason at all. It just happened. Unknowingly, I had set the tone for the rest of the night. I'm not proud of that but it happened.

Ironically, later that night I was watching a DVD (yes, a real DVD) to get ready to teach as a substitute for a couple's group we're in at church. In the video, the speaker shared the most astounding fact. He said, "You set the tone for the night within the first 30 seconds of when you arrive home." My heart sank. His sage words could not have been more timely. I don't think it was even 30 seconds before my somberness set the stage.

I share this because we often talk about wellbeing at work. It's the hot topic at conferences and also in blogs. All of this focus is needed and has been for years. What I don't see being talked about though is our wellbeing outside of work. We're all far too busy if we were honest with ourselves. From the moment we wake up, we're "on." Our minds start to race and we grab for our phone to see if we missed anything after another night of restless sleep. We convince ourselves that every, single second has to be accounted for, and we can't afford one wasted moment

We make each situation we encounter monumental whether it is or not. We feel this gives us purpose, drive, and value. There's rarely any example where we slow down and catch our breath. Then, we head back home after this unending pace. (Note that this same hurriedness is true for those in remote and hybrid roles.) Work is "done" for the day and we return to our lives outside of our regular working hours. We may go back to a spouse, a partner, kids, our pets or just our abode.

Without pausing and winding down somewhat, we're sure to come in hot. There's no reason to do this. You can make the time to pause. You can. The question is - Do you want to?

For me, the answer is "Yes." I started this discipline that day. First, I apologized to my wife for being in a funk. Secondly, I shared this story with our group so they heard a real-world example of what we were learning. Third, I've been pausing and making sure to remember that I can set the tone quickly. I want those first 30 seconds to be great from now on.

It's working and I'm also starting to use this approach to interactions at work. Taking just a moment to break the pace is a simple practice, but it will take discipline. I would rather set the tone versus having people feel they have to react. How about you? Are you willing to set the tone?