Setting Your Intention for a Relationship
To clarify your intention for a relationship, ask yourself questions like, what kind of relationship do I want with this person?
Is this person capable of that kind of relationship?
Given this person's limitations, what would I like the relationship to look like going forward?
What would I like our time together to be about?
What kind of friend/partner/family member do I want to be?
Since you can't control the other person's intention or behavior, you'll notice the questions are about who you want to be in the relationship. Your intention may be:
To be a loving, supportive family member
To preserve a positive work environment with a co-worker
To be an accepting partner
To enjoy meaningful time together
To be fully present with someone
To send compassion to someone
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Thank you ….Compassion always works as a positive intention. Compassion is a wish for someone else to be truly happy and at peace. Even if you are physically removed from someone, you can always send compassion from afar, e.g. “May you one day be truly happy and at Peace.”
Options for Setting Boundaries
Once you've clarified your intention, you're ready to kindly set boundaries. Your boundaries are the limits you choose for yourself.
The purposes of your boundaries are to protect your time, energy, values, self-worth, self-respect, and peace of mind.
Often when I ask someone what they want a relationship to be like, they respond with how they'd like the other person to change.
If you think the other person is capable of change, you can ask for a specific change in behavior. Instead of asking for a change in a quality or personality, ask for the exact behavior you'd like in a specific situation.
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Stick to what you can see in a videotape. Instead of, "Why can't you be more caring?"
Kindly ask for the behavior you want. "I'd really like it if you could sit next to me when I tell you about a problem, and rather than trying to fix it, just give me a hug and say 'I'm sorry, that really sucks.
DO YOU WANT TO ADD A WORD OR TWO?...'
That would make me feel better. Try the format, "I'd like it if you could ______ in this situation because it would make me feel more/less _____." Don't include any criticism, complaints, sarcasm, or negativity.
You're much more likely to get cooperation if you don't put the other person on the defensive. Negotiate either change or what you can gracefully live with. Each time the person makes an effort to do what you ask, notice and appreciate .
"Thank you so much for your effort in trying to do that for me. I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me."
Your comments?...
Set a limit. A limit is a guide to your response to someone else's behavior. You can't control someone else, but you can decide what you are willing to do, what you're not willing to do, or what you are willing to put up with from someone else before you remove yourself.
You can decide what your limits are for yourself and then enforce them as necessary. This may be by saying no to certain requests or with statements such as, "This is what I can do (or what I'm willing to do)" or "I've decided I'm no longer going to..." or "I appreciate your input, but I've decided to..." or "No, I'm sorry I've decided not to..."
If your limits are new with certain people, you will likely have to enforce them over and over and over again. Be prepared to follow through. And repeat. If challenged, don't get into a debate on the merits. Just repeat. Become a broken record if necessary.
Acceptance. This means mindfully choosing what you can gracefully live with. This is a choice to no longer sit in silent resentment.
Instead you accept that this person will likely not change in a particular way. And you've decided to be ok with that. Acceptance can be big or small. For example, you may accept that husband will leave his socks on the floor, or that your mother will never change her ways.
You can choose acceptance along with or after trying other options. You don't ever have to let another person harm you.
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3yYou have the option to remove yourself from a conversation, a situation, or even a relationship if necessary. You may choose to remove yourself selectively, such as limiting important communication with a co-worker to email or only seeing certain family members on major holidays. Your limit may be to remove yourself if someone is engaging in a particular behavior, for example, "If you raise your voice or become critical, I'm hanging up the phone." Again, be prepared to follow through and repeat. Compassion works as a positive intention for any relationship. Practice the compassion meditation in order to strengthen your meaningful intention in relationships and respond more mindfully to others. Even though we can't control others, we can control our intention and our boundaries in relationships. If we know our intention and we know our limits, we can decide how to respond mindfully with intention in relationships. Rather than automatically reacting, we can take a pause, allow ourselves to calm down, remember our meaningful intention for this relationship, and respond accordingly.