Seven Lessons I Learned and Need to Unlearn From Cinderella

One of my favorite songs from Anita Baker was her song Fairy Tales. The song goes something like this…

I can remember stories, those things my mother said

She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed

She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight

She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night

My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise

She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice

He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night

She never said that maybe, someday he'd say goodbye

The story ends, as stories do

Reality steps into view

No longer living life in paradise-or fairy tales-uh

I loved this song because it was the first lesson I learned and then I had to unlearn from Cinderella. I had to embrace a life story that did not wrap up as neatly as Cinderella’s story did.  

Lesson 1:  Own Your Story…

As a woman of color a lot of people put labels on me. I remember when I told my guidance counselor that I wanted to go to University, and he said really that’s interesting. Don’t you know you have 2 strikes against you? You’re a woman and you're black? Well that was news to me.  For a long time I felt a lot of shame around my origin story. Because of this shame, I accepted the labels that others would put on me.  Life changed for me when I decided what story I believed about myself and stopped caring what others said about me. I told my story of losing my single to mom cancer and being forced to raise myself at the tender age of 16 and working hard but never really getting ahead until I had a money conversation with a financial professional, who told me that money could work hard for me. When I owned my story, things changed for me. I could talk authentically about gaining my financial confidence out of sheer need and why I think it is important for women to do the same. That was what led me to co- author a book entitled 'Single by Choice or Chance - The Smart Woman’s Guide to Retirement'.  It allowed me to re-brand myself as a person who does not need to please everybody- which is a terrible way to market. I could choose what business I was in and who I wanted to market to.   Often when I speak to women around financial confidence and share my story, they tell me it helps them become more comfortable to tell me their money story, which puts me in the best position to help them with theirs.

 Lesson Number 2: Cinderella has no clue whether or not she is Marrying a Millionaire next door or a Broke Millionaire?

 Cinderella has no clue if the prince is a millionaire next door or a broke millionaire.  What I have learned working with clients and being in relationships myself is that we rarely talk about money in relationships. In fact many people marry without really understanding their partner’s financial circumstances, credit score even each other’s attitude about money. However money is often cited as the number one reason people divorce. As a financial planner it’s always great to hear people’s stories and then actually look at their numbers to see how they line up. There are so many myths around money we need to dispel, especially in the age of social media where more and more people feel the pressure to keep up with their friend's social media feeds, and have no idea what’s it's costing them.   Broke millionaires are often two paychecks away from poverty and are preoccupied with their current situation. The millionaire next door on the other hand lives below their means, creates multiple streams of income and strives for the future.

Lesson Number 3: My First Love… Me Myself and I

Cinderella was wrong. I need to love myself before making room to love any prince that comes along in the future. As women we occupy so many roles and often do the lion’s share of unpaid work. This is especially true in a time when many women are dealing with aging parents and aging children- what can we do to advocate for ourselves? This may look like judging yourself less, saying no more often, not beating up on yourself and asking for help more when you run out of steam.

 I am especially passionate about this sentiment because of the work I do with divorced women. These women negotiate away their power just because they want “to get it over with” without realizing what it’s costing them. Women are 5 times more likely to end up in poverty after a divorce and are 3 times more likely to rely on GIS benefits in retirement.  Another stat that women need understand is that widows aren’t always grandmothers. The average age of a widow is 56. If women don’t always end up on the beach in retirement with their partners because of divorce and widowhood are women prepared to confidently navigating their financial lives on their own?   If the widow did not set up life insurance on the breadwinner, what will her financial future look like? Standing up for yourself setting up a plan that ensures you are going to be ok in the future no matter what happens.

Lesson 4: Cindy, you’ve come a long way baby! 2019 is shaping up to be the year of women and this is great news.

Women are set to control nearly half the financial wealth in Canada by 2026, 56 percent of small businesses are owned by women and this number is growing. Initiatives are being put in place to have more women in senior level positions in finance, on boards for major organizations, and access capital to become global businesses. SheEO, WOMEN get on Board and Return to Bay Street is Canadian examples of this. However women still report not feeling financially confident.  As a Financial Planner my mission is to move the needle in this area. More women need to have the 'Money Conversations' so they can feel confident about the financial decisions they are making.

 Lesson 5: Many women over the age of 40 are still asking, where the hell is Prince Charming?

 Am I prepared to be the heroine in case no one is there to ride me into the sunset? Truthfully, I have never been a fan of the Cinderella story.  Where is Prince Charming taking Cinderella anyway? Is that where she wants to end up? Women become single by choice or chance… However, the women who suffer the most financially never planned to be single and are often financially worse off as a result.   I encourage my clients to become the hero of their own story and reassure them they have what it takes to do just that. Financial confidence is a skill just like any other skill. The key is to become a lifelong learner in this area in order to master it. 

Lesson 6: The story of Resilient Cindy… Why we need her now than ever.  

The story of Resilient Cindy is a woman who is determined to take control of her own future and who plans to bounce back from any setback she faces. 

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if you’re a CEO, or teacher. Job security doesn’t look the way that it used to. Disruptions are everywhere, especially because technology is moving so rapidly. Resilience means building a fortress than can withstand death, disability or illness. It can withstand a major life transition such as divorce, or a job transition. It can withstand early retirement.  As a financial planner, I teach my clients the importance of resilience so they are better prepared to deal the financial stress of major life transitions.

 Lesson 7:   You have not proposed and we are not engaged! However, in the fairy-tale 'Cinderella' she married her Prince.

Unfortunately, women still report not feeling engaged with the financial industry.  As an Advisor myself I acknowledge that the industry needs to do a better job in inviting women into the money conversation by speaking in more plain language and not talking down to women. I would also love to see more financially confident women in financial ads instead of the typical couple.  We have a long way to go when it comes to creating more user friendly resources, and helping women to understand the big picture around their finances.

 Because the relationship business is the business I am really in.    And I love hearing the stories of the resilient women in my life far more than recounting the fairy-tale of Cinderella that took me so many years to unlearn.