Shift from Pleasing People to Challenging People - Part 5

Early in my life, I realized that most people liked me and I loved it when they liked me. I would go out of my way to make sure I was liked by others. Don't get me wrong, I was not the popular kid in the class but if you ask those who were close to me, they would tell you that I was always ready to help and ready to make others happy so they would follow me.

I loved singing and dancing (a little bit!), especially if that meant I got to hang out with my friends longer. I was not one of the best singers but I loved singing in the choir at church, it gave me great joy to know that my voice was being heard and others enjoyed hearing me. What I did not know was that it was not really my voice but the message in the song that touched their heart.

When I took on the role of a Team Leader and later as a Project Manager, my goal was to keep everyone happy. I wanted everyone on my team to like me - if I needed to say something that the team was not going to be pleased about, I leaned on my manager/supervisor to convey the message. I was fortunate to be working with a few leaders who knew how to do it better than me. I admired them for their tenacity and watched them continue to lead well even after the "difficult conversation" and I wondered what is the secret behind their success.

Looking back, I noticed that I did better when I was working with a Coach who did challenge me to go that extra mile when my legs were aching after having walked for miles as I was training for my first Half Marathon (13.1 miles). When I thought I could not move a muscle, I found the energy to keep going and I completed my first Half Marathon in 2015 and then decided to train with the same coach to run a 5K Run the next year.

As I ventured on my Entrepreneurial journey, I was faced with making decisions and being challenged by my mentors and coaches to think outside the box, to be comfortable being uncomfortable, to explore new opportunities of growth - if I am honest with myself, I did not like it one bit! I wanted them to stop "challenging me" and looked for ways to "please them" - in other words, get affirmation from them.

My thoughts were along the lines of:

1. What's best for me?
2. What's best for other people within the organization?
3. What's best for the organization?

It was after I studied "Leadershift" book that I finally got a wake up call. I knew that I needed to make a shift if I wanted to be a better leader.

I got a new perspective and I had to start thinking in a different order:

1. What's best for the organization?
2. What's best for other people within the organization?
3. What's best for me?

In the Cover Page picture above, you will see all the new members from our Maxwell Leadership Team who joined my Speaker Training Table to be challenged to become better speakers. I consider it as my privilege to be part of this journey as they were getting started with our team during the March 2022 Leadership Conference (IMC).

It was not an easy shift since people were used to hearing me in the affirmative or sometimes staying silent to keep the consensus in the group. They did not like this new version of Anupama who was no longer a "people pleaser" and had become a "people challenger".

As a club officer for our newly chartered club in my home town, I shifted from making all the members happy to helping them get better. I mentored 4 new members during my time with the Fair Lawn Toastmasters Club and I was able to get the best out of them since as a Leader, I asked for the best from them. I started valuing others as much as I valued myself.

Today I met with a new mentee from my new club Columbia University Toastmasters Club and I applied the following lessons that I learned in this teaching which I hope you will consider as well. We were able to set upfront expectations and here is why:

1. Up-front appreciation places value on the person and increase the value of our time regardless.
2. Up-front expectations increase the value of any meeting.
3. Up-front questions are the quickest way for people to understand one another and increase the value of our time together.
4. Up-front discussion influences the way and directions we lead others.
5. Up-front decisions increase the value of our time together.

As John Maxwell says in this chapter about the Relationship Shift from Pleasing People to Challenging People : Being up-front means you're out in front.

Next time I will share with you about the Abundance Shift which is a change in mindset from Maintaining to Creating!

Let me conclude by saying that this has been the most difficult shift for me so far and I am still working on this. I have been listening to this teaching by my mentor on Balancing Care with Candor - this is a FREE GIFT for you so you can listen to it too.