Shifting Perspective... and Final Words re: Chip and Todd.

Final words re: Chip and Todd (will keep this short...ish):

Firstly, I want to preface this (okay... by my saying that it means it won't be too short... sorry :)) by saying how much I appreciate those of you who've sent messages of concern, have commented with uplifting words of support, shared your personal experiences and stories, and sent pictures of the beautiful dogs who changed your lives, taught you important lessons, and expanded your hearts more than you thought was possible. This has been so very comforting, the empathy; and I offer you all my deepest, sincerest thanks.

This is a part of the journey that is proving to be incredibly educational and eye-opening. It's also highlighted something I've long struggled with .... the art of allowing and releasing. Being open to (and trusting) the "flow" of life.

What folks may not know about me is that I've pretty much white-knuckled my way through life. Nothing has been ... "easy"; and I've done this solo. I've had to. And while this path has been hard, painstaking, and riddled with trauma and struggle, it also came with major teachings and lessons, stories of triumph and reclamation, deep realizations through experience, and has led me to this purpose and form of service I'm so passionately dedicated to.

Nothing about me (or my modus operandi) has been "conventional". Nothing about how I take care of myself (and take care of my dogs) is "conventional". Heck, even how I train is, most definitely, not "conventional". I was the proverbial black sheep of the family. The maverick. The system-bucker. The outlier. The constant questioner, seeker, and outside-the-box thinker, doer, and believer. Have always marched to the beat of my own drum, and have never felt "accepted" or like I belonged anywhere. It took me a (very) long time to get to the point of believing that this was an "okay" way to be. To find acceptance for myself, and I've spent years trying to become everything I always needed throughout life in terms of emotional support. But you know what? The feeling of being fully seen, accepted, and understood was always there with animals, as odd as that may sound. There was always a deep feeling of peace, resonance, belonging, and "home" in Nature. This has been a truth since I was a little girl, and I've been a fierce lover and protector of both since my youth.

All of this has fueled this passion behind the work I do. Helping people better understand "behavior"... their dog/s' and their own. Better understand what "behavior" is trying to tell us. All it's reflective of.... which is also why there's a spotlight on my own behavior surrounding all of this. What it's reflective of and what this situation is trying to reveal.

Yesterday was supposed to be "the day"... and, I just have to say. there's a friend who was willing to be with me, transport the remains to the crematorium, and take care of all we knew I wouldn't be able to. I was sobbing because of the reality I was in, but also sobbing in gratitude for this individual because ... this simply has not been typical in my life. People like this. People willing to be there like that, expressing words and backing them up. People willing to sit on the phone and listen to me process the intensity of the emotional load I was feeling. Listen to me work my way through it all. Having someone offer help, following through with it, and being there without agenda .... without a quid pro quo.....and this isn't even someone I know very well. People like this are an absolute treasure, and this has meant more to me than words could ever, ever express.

Anyways, a "good day" was had yesterday... and I buckled. I couldn't, for the life of me, pull myself together enough to make "the appointment." Instead of enjoying my time with my precious companions, I was a sobbing mess. When I decided against the appt, instantaneously the pressure lifted. Relief and lightness was immediately felt. And I could enjoy my time with my beloved companions again.... when I should have been focusing on this all along.

My focus has been completely overtaken and clouded by fear. I've been living in the past and also in the future. Not fully treasuring the present moment. I've been living in all I'll miss from the years behind us, and in "what if" land (fear about "what might happen" in the future)... and it's created such unnecessary agony and emotional torment. I'm realizing there's a bigger, far-more-layered story in play here. One I'm working on to fully uncover and more deeply understand.

So, my focus has shifted. I'm done trying to play God when I haven't had crystal clear clarity, and my heart, mind, and soul haven't been fully aligned. I've been living in total fear every day for several weeks now. Fear of "what might happen". Fear of not doing "the right thing". Fear of "too soon" and "not soon enough". Fear of this, fear of that. The fear has been crippling and downright exhausting.

I'm done assuming I (or anyone else, for that matter) know better. Another person's clinical definition of "quality of life" does not match my own, and I'm not going to allow them to dictate the conversation I should be having with these two themselves... and God (Source, the Universe, the Highest Truth, the Great Beyond, the Big Cheese in the Sky, Eywa, Allah... ). It has *not* felt good in any way and has robbed us all of valuable time that could've been spent in joy, faith, and in peace.

I realize this may not be the most "popular" way of approaching this, but I'm done trying to control it all. This is exactly what I've been trying to do, and it's caused more pain and suffering than needed. I'm choosing to just allow. Allow things to be. Allowing the situation to be what it is. Allowing them to tell me... not the other way around. Allowing and trusting that "this", too, will be divinely guided. I will continue to step up and do all I can each and every day. Supplementing and nourishing the body, daily fresh air and exercise, communing with Nature, in-home calm and harmony, and simply keeping them safe, enjoying (as best possible) the moments they're in, and comfortable. I'm hopping off the roller coaster and taking things one day, one moment at a time.

Thank you all, again, for your support throughout all of this ... this will be the last post about it until it's time to honor their legacy.

It's time to refocus, regenerate that faith muscle, live in the joy of the gift of each *present* moment, and get back to work. We've got a lot of other people and dogs who need us, too

Much Love,

K.