Six Principles of Self-Management Success: 4. Manage Personality Conflicts
In part three of this series, we talked about the need to be problem solvers. But what happens if the “problem” is another person? Well, that’s the fourth competency of self-management: being able to handle personality conflicts.
The reality is we’re not going to get along with everyone. But we still need to be able to collaborate with others and get our jobs done.
In the traditional office environment, there’s always another person around who can help us resolve conflicts. It might have been our supervisor or human resources. They could facilitate a conversation and hopefully assist in reaching a resolution. In a virtual or autonomous environment, we have to learn how to resolve these conflicts on our own.
One way to examine personal conflict situations is to take the “person” part out of the equation and look at the circumstances creating the conflict. However, even when we take the other person out of the equation, it’s still necessary to make sure they know that having a good working relationship is important. Ask for their help in trying to reach a solution everyone can live with. Then examine the circumstances creating the conflict. In my experience, I’ve found the conflict often includes one of these three scenarios.
Conflict Scenario #1 – We don’t agree with the data.
In situations where the conflict is created because people can’t agree with the data, research, and information, the best way to solve it is with more research. I know that might sound counterintuitive. Here’s an example: Leonard and Jose have a conflict. Jose believes the data from XYZ is correct and Leonard believes the information from ABC is more accurate. This can create personal conflict in the forms of distrust between each other or thinking the other person isn’t doing enough work. By engaging in more research, they can hopefully find a common research source they can both rely upon.
Conflict Scenario #2 – We don’t agree on the goal.
When the conflict surrounds goals and objectives, the best way to resolve the conflict is with negotiation and compromise. Using our example above, Jose and Leonard can’t agree on the desired outcome for the project. Both of them are frustrated and start to believe there are office politics or hidden agendas involved. By working together on a compromise, they are both able to have a say in the final goals of the project. Think win-win instead of a zero-sum game. If you’re thinking “this sounds like government and politics” right now, then you’ve pretty much got it.
Conflict Scenario #3 – We don’t agree on the action.
Lastly, if the conflict is regarding the work that needs to be done then consensus is the means to conflict resolution. Jose wants to do ABC and Leonard would prefer to do XYZ. Jose and Leonard should use their research (from scenario number one) and compromise (from scenario number two) to create an outcome they can both live with. Notice I didn’t say they both needed to love it. That’s not the purpose of consensus. Consensus is about finding a solution all parties can live with.
You’ve probably noticed that a key component to resolving conflict is understanding ourselves. When we can use the information we know about ourselves to step outside of conflict, we can begin a dialogue and work toward resolving the matter.
Speaking of knowing ourselves, look for the next self-management skill to deal with something we don’t spend nearly enough time talking about…and that’s understanding how we like to learn.
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About the author:
Sharlyn Lauby is an author, writer, speaker, and consultant. She has been named a Top HR Digital Influencer and is best-known for her work on HR Bartender, a friendly place to talk about workplace issues. HR Bartender has been recognized as one of the Top 5 Blogs read by human resources professionals by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) and best business blog by the Stevie Awards.
Publications such as Reuters, The New York Times, Mashable, ABC News, TODAY, and The Wall Street Journal have sought out her expertise on topics related to human resources and the workplace. Sharlyn is the author of “Essential Meeting Blueprints for Managers,” which is available on Amazon, and "Manager Onboarding: 5 Steps for Setting New Leaders Up for Success," available at the SHRMStore.
Her personal goal in life is to find the best cheeseburger on the planet.