THE SKELETONS IN OUR CHILDHOOD CLOSET

Life experiences in childhood that are lost over time and then further protected by secrecy can play out powerfully later in your life. The saying that skeletons in the closet will come out one time or the other cannot be ignored in this case.

My interest in developmental life experiences started when I conceptualise SCREAMZA, my organisation more than 20 years ago. I really went from a bright young lady to a person that ended up living on the street with my small baby.I refused to be beaten for one more night, I walked out of the lives of many people and made the decision to change my environment, my circumstances at any cost.

Not sure where to turn, I kept my eye on God. At the same time I now had a small person relying on me for everything.Every decision I would make would have an impact on her.Every single step I took would affect her life. So as a parent, especially a single parent at the time, it was very difficult. Parenting comes with no manual.Instinctively we take care of this defenceless bundle of joy till they can talk, walk and eat on their own.Even up till they are adults we still love and care for them. The work of a parent never ends.

I started recording certain information as I was listening to the thousands of women and men that passed through my organisation and even just in passing.I gathered information and started comparing notes. It was amazing that people could still be moving around with a smile on their face, knowing what they have been going through since childhood. The pain hidden behind a smile, a tear shed behind a closed door and a closet full of skeletons that they had been carrying around since childhood.

Today and even those days I was so thankful for my childhood. We were raised in poverty but we rose up and kept our dignity and self-worth , no matter what. My dad and mom were instrumental in raising us as individuals and not as a collective. Every child had its own personality and she would treat you and discipline you accordingly. Some of us were bright sparks and some were dim lights that took time to get to their destinations. Nevertheless my parents loved us and supported us through our successes and our failures.My mom always said that you must never get to a point where you cannot carry the luggage of life, always find a way to offload and it would make your journey easier.She was a domestic worker all her life but her wisdom was like that of Solomon in the Bible.

All the teachings and the stable environment that I grew up in really came in handy when I had to make some tough decisions in my life. It is then when I started compiling a small questionnaire that most of those in need of help would complete for me. I kept it anonymous and basic information like gender , age, racial classification would only be needed. This kept them anonymous and gave them no reason to lie.

The questions would be as follow:

Growing up which of the following affected you up till today

1. Childhood sexual abuse
2. Physical abuse
3. Emotional Abuse
4. Recurring humiliation
5. Neglect
6. Growing up without your biological parents
7. Growing up in a home where alcohol or drugs was used regularly
8. Growing up in a home where violence was a normality
9. Growing up in a home where one of the household family members got imprisoned
10. Growing up in a home where one of the household family members were mentally ill, depressed, suicidal or chronically ill

These questions would easily be answered and most of the persons that came through our organisation , answered yes to more than 7 of the 10 questions.All these questions asked directly referred to adverse life experiences that no child should be subjected to under normal circumstances.Sometimes I wonder if people working in the communities doing counselling and giving support to victims takes time out to understand why the current behaviour or situation got to where it is.

Do we take enough time to listen to our friends, our life partners, our colleagues , our own sisters and brothers, when they need someone to talk to. It does not take a trained person to have a moment to listen ( unless you deaf). You can just listen and encourage the person to look for professional help or refer them to an organisation that might help them to cope.

Violence is a normality in our households, community, at work, at church and it is really everywhere. Personally I feel unsafe even when I have to go shopping but we have to take care of ourselves, no matter what.

Children are the best movie makers and the funny thing is that children cannot verbalise what they feel, they normally act it out. Imagine being sexually abused at home, bullied at school, humiliated by your friends or family, seeing your mother or father being beaten up infront of you and on top of it you being rejected by the girls or boys because your mom or dad is a drug addict or alcoholic.Peer pressure do not help at all during that time. How do you cope with all that is happening? Do you put every skeleton in a closet and hope that one day it will go away. Honestly speaking it will not go away. What you have experienced as a child will stay with you into adolescence and adulthood.

So the ultimate question is: How do life experiences in childhood end up with mental or physical medical conditions, many years later?

Personally I do not have a straight answer but what I have seen is that whatever decisions you take and whatever coping mechanisms that you adopt will have an effect at a later stage of your life.If you smoke or use drugs to feel better, your health will deteriorate. If you overeat or refuse to eat, you will end up obese or starve yourself to death. If you drink to relax, you will end up becoming an alcoholic and will eventually destroy your own life.We see this daily in our communities.

What happens to the effect of the chronic major unrelieved stress on the workings of the brain and the central nervous system. I am no psychiatrist or brain surgeon , but hell or high water, all these stresses in one box could drive you totally crazy.You will end up dysfunctional and totally incapable to make rational decisions.

Why is it that we totally do not recognize these diverse life experiences in our society and even in our own lives? It seems to be very common , yet is stays unaddressed? The magnitude of not dealing with childhood trauma is so huge.

We discussed this at lenght with some stakeholders that works in the GBV prevention sector. We realised that primary intervention seems like a solution, creating a channel with interventions for children, so that they can deal with these stresses and end up becoming stable adults. On the other had we also looking at assisting adults to work their skeletons one by one.

Remember that nobody can sort out your cupboard.You know what you would like to keep and what you would like to discard at the end of the day.

We in the process to establish a trauma recovery centre for the Gauteng area. Still in the infancy stage of negotiations but rest assured this is a Godly mission and it will happen sooner or later.

Nobody can change the way you feel about yourself, only you can.