The Not So Little Prince

‘Meghan and Harry’s marriage is on the rocks,' say the tabloids. Only a fly on their non-royale wall can tell us if this is really true. The point is ‘who cares’? What was slightly sleazy celebrity gossip is now just regular emotional vomit. And hey, we all have enough of that to clean up in our own lives. Chhaddo ji, kuch hore gull karaan.

99.99% you and I are not gonna ever meet a prince. Let alone marry one. But it seems to me that Meghan puttar is like one of those people who applied for a job they are completely unsuited for. Bhai, aapko Python nahin aata, phir bhi CV mein likh diya. Recruiter ko kisi tarah pataa liya. And you thought, seekh lenge – how hard can it be?

 Well, the job description of a Royal is really simple. ‘Smile. Wave. Cut a ribbon. Repeat, repeat, repeat until you die.’ You’re like a Disneyland mascot, just without the costume. The public holds you in morbid fascination but would they really like to trade places with you? I think not. 

You see, in a world of individualism (‘I do what I want’) the British Royals are the last bastion of Doing One’s Duty. The whole country has outsourced its ‘manners’ and ‘propriety’ to this one family while they go get drunk and brawl at a football match. But no one can truly call the Brits are a bunch of hooligans as long as the Royals hold up. Desh ki laaj bani hui hai.

In return, the Royals get to live in a palace and play pretend-princess. Wear nice clothes and go on foreign tours to countries which should rightfully boo them. Instead, the formerly colonized treat the former Empire like a grandmother with Alzheimers. Jab unko kuch yaad hi nahiin to jhagda kya karein? Waise bhi, asli raja to hamara puttar hai.

The Brown Man at 10, Downing Street. He stands for everything the Royals are not – the self made man with no silver spoon in his lunchbox. Meghan is trying, but this ‘working for a living’ is hard. Spotify is fed up, ab Netflix haath se na nikal jaaye. It can’t be easy, with two kids and an infant to look after…

Thank God for the dependable duo William and Kate, sab unke kandhon par hi tika hai. Bas jaldi se King aur Queen ban jaayein, before that boy loses all his hair. That palace could do with some youthful energy. I mean, if it were 'The Crown' we’d just skip this generation currently on the throne!

But back to Meghan and Harry – as long as the tabloids are speculating, they can breathe easy. It means someone still has a smidgen of interest in their bloody ordinary lives.

Getting chased by paparazzi is bad, not being chased is worse.

Even though when I see them, I might shout and curse.

The truth is I need them, as much as they need me.

A shot of adrenaline in this bekaar, boring zindagi.