Social Comparison: A Double-Edged Sword

Last weekend, I ran the Olympic Valley Half Marathon, my fifth in 2022. The race started (and ended) at the Village at Palisades Tahoe, the home of the 1960 Winter Olympics. The emcee jokingly dubbed it an international race thanks to one runner from Australia, but it was truly a local race with about a hundred runners. OK, I am going to share an ugly truth about my race day mentality. When I show up, I play the game of “Spot The” – spot runners who look older and/or heavier than me; the runners who are likely to be slower than me. It’s silly. Runners come in all age groups, shapes and sizes. It’s an awfully biased and negative game based purely on physical attributes, which are often deceiving. There are many older and heavier runners who kick my butt. Oddly enough, this bad habit never fails to bring a sense of calm and confidence back to my agitated runner’s brain.

But in Olympic Valley, I felt nothing but confident. I was still recovering from my foot injury, and every other runner seemed in better shape than me. I never called myself a runner. I see myself as just a person who runs. At the core of my pre-race jitters are the questions: “do I really belong here?” or “do I measure up?” Transitioning from solo recreational runs to organized races takes awhile to adjust. I still find fast serious runners, those who look like they can run fast and effortlessly for miles without so much as breaking a sweat, a bit intimidating. I did finish the race in a good place in the middle of the pack, and third in my age group (out of four women.) With much reflection on the long drive back home, I recognized that there are two runners inside me. The first, a fierce competitor wanting to win. The second, a Zen participant wanting to enjoy the experience. My rational brain knows there’s no need to compare myself to other runners; that going a certain pace doesn’t make me a “truer” runner. However, emotionally, I have to remind myself that If I enjoy running, I am a runner. I don’t need to prove anything to myself, or others.

Showing up on race day is a lot like showing up on the first day on the job, or taking on new projects and additional responsibilities at work. Self-doubt is on a continuum, from the critical inner voice being but a tiny whisper to it being loud and clear forming a pattern of negative thoughts and a pervasive feeling of insecurity, which is known as the “impostor syndrome.” It’s estimated that about 70% of the US population has experienced impostor syndrome. It is typically associated with high achievers. In every walk of life, new endeavors, new experiences, and new beginnings involve new feelings, both positive (excitement) and negative (apprehension.) It’s perfectly normal to get the jitters when stepping into the unknown, the unfamiliar, and uncertainty. Challenging ourselves into these spaces, not knowing everything, is the only way to up-level and to grow. The key is to acknowledge and accept self-doubt and fear, to reflect on these feelings and thoughts, to understand what they try to teach us, to get comfortable being uncomfortable, to look fear in the eye, and to muster the courage to go after our dreams and do it anyway.

But how do I embed this truth into the way I “show up” on race days? On the job? Where do I start? General wisdom is that to make a change stick, start from the innermost layer – we have to focus on who we want to be. Then make it an active choice to act in accordance with those beliefs even when the monster of self-doubt rears its ugly head. Social comparison is normal and healthy. It can be intimidating, but it can also be used to build the confidence to reach potential, in any recreational or professional endeavor. It’s natural to wonder how we measure up in a competitive environment. What better way to gauge where we stand and how to better ourselves than to learn from others? But to thrive in the world, we need to learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy comparisons. Healthy comparison inspires us for more, to do your own thing. I am in awe with the eighty-year-old who finished the race in three hours. He is my inspiration from now on to keep showing up. I will benchmark myself against his standard of showing up consistently for years, not his speed in his younger years (definitely out of my league and many rungs higher on the abilities ladder.)

Comparison is inevitable, and it’s a choice. You can decide which yardstick you use to measure your performance and achievements. Be intentional in making it work for you from a place of positivity and possibilities. Use comparison for inspiration to propel you forward and not let it pull you into the quicksand of envy, jealousy and self-doubt. The antidote to negative comparison is contentment. The fear that frequently pops up when I talk about contentment is that of becoming complacent. But it is entirely possible to hold two realities in our mind simultaneously: to be both content and committed to self -improvement. Our potential keeps growing, and thus we never stop growing.

Like running, career advancement is not an event, it’s a way of life, of pushing ourselves forward. As you strive to discover and explore the unknown possibilities before you, be content with what you have already accomplished and pause to appreciate the unique gifts of the present time. Cherishing the moment means embracing all that there is, the good, the bad and the painful. Recognize that you have the freedom to choose your goals and your actions. Contentment is the mindset of satisfaction and acceptance as well as a commitment to self-development. In practice, it means reinforcing your “why” at every chance. Once you stay true to your “why” you can focus on making the right effort each and every day. It’s the most effective success strategy.

Commitment to making an effort is never static. It is an ongoing decision-making process to determine how to invest time, energy, and resources. To optimize your efforts:

1. Start with your WHY (Simon Sinek's “Start With Why” – why you do what you do) + WHAT (what is the essence of what you want to do next) + HOW (your unique value proposition.)
2. Focus only on the things within your control - the work, the effort, and the process.
3. Recognize that working toward your goals and being willing to put yourself out there are huge accomplishments in and of themselves. It is the small consistent steps that lead to big wins.

Use comparison as inspiration to change, to engage in new and self-improving behaviors, and to do your best to live fully.

I want to leave you with the Runner’s Blessing by Daniel Mark Extrom. To me, it’s an apt metaphor for life itself and building a thriving career.

May your wind be always rhythmic.

May your heart be always strong.

May your road be always beautiful.

May it never seem too long.

May your legs be always faithful.

May your feet be never sore.

May your mind be always peaceful.

May you run forevermore.