Solo Retreat, Me Time, Time On My Own, … whatever you call it, you need it to become a better version of yourself

I wrote the draft of this article back in January from my 1, 2, 3, … 4th solo retreat! I was in Bingin Beach, Bali, Indonesia. (yeah, in the past you could go on a tin can that would fly you to different countries over the water!). I decided to write this to raise awareness about the concept. When my wife took a holiday on her own in Vietnam 12 years ago, 3 months after getting married, I was shocked because it wasn’t normal/accepted/in my nature/[fill in the blank]. Now as a working dad I strongly believe that it’s the healthy thing to do to #FutureProofYou, your Family and your Career/Business.

I wrote this article about solo retreats with #WorkingDads and #WorkingMums in mind but it can also be applied and adapted to parents caring for a kid with a disability, mums and dads in general, grandparents or single people living at their parents’ place. I wonder if kids need a solo retreat too (oh, it’s called vacation care or summer camp😆).

What is the purpose of solo retreats? 

It's really a time on your own to future proof yourself, your family, and your career/business. In that order. What do you do to do this? It’s time to really get some rest. I think this is really important to look after yourself. Especially when we've been working on our business and/or our career in general, and we've been looking after the kids.

1.  Look after yourself. It's physically and mentally. Get some sleep, some sun and your natural element (for me it’s the ocean!). 
2. And then review the past 12 months, holistically 
3. and then plan for the next 12 months, holistically

What are the different formats of a solo retreat?

You can really think of different formats. It can be as simple as you taking time off in the same city for a night. Simply by spending the night at an hotel.  It's very important not to be at your home with your family, and that's the purpose of the solo retreat. It can be just one night. Maybe that's all you need. 

It could also take the form of going to a friend's place. It has to be someone that you know very well. Someone you can explain that you need a retreat, that you are only after time on your own. However, it’s not about going away with a group of friends, you will forget about your worries but they will be waiting for you when you return...

There are so many formats available! A friend of mine went camping while his wife and kids went to visit his in-laws in Japan. He spent his time hiking and reconnecting with nature.

The top of the top is really going overseas and doing it for 7 days. 7 days is the ultimate lenght because we all have between 3 to 5 weeks holiday and we can’t really take more away from family holiday time. One week is right! 

In summary: 

• From 1 night to 7 days
• Away from home
• On your own
• Hotel in your city, camping in the bush, Hostel overseas, ...

Solo retreats are best planned yearly 

If you don't take a solo retreat as a Working Dad or as a Working Mum, your body is going to claim it at some point. It will break down to force you to take a solo retreat which can be painful and inconvenient for your family because he will be happening at an unscheduled time! 

My story

My first solo retreat was in 2017, in June and originally it was a trip booked for the whole family. It was a tough time. We had just moved interstate for a job, I was still finishing my never ending PhD. It was a difficult time as we had to organise the whole team of therapists for my daughter to help her learn to walk. Applying for financial help for that (NDIS) was taking forever. It was a lot of tension. In the end, my wife told me to go on my own to Bali! Read between the line:

or else…

I called my mother. She came from France to help my wife look after the kids, and I left alone. I felt really guilty in the plane but then after experiencing it, I realised that it was really what I needed. 7 days where I got to work to finish my PhD and I got to really take some time off for me. 

Then, what happened?

I took it for granted. 

I thought I was going to be ok and September 2018 after working like crazy I crashed. I was flying every week from Adelaide to Sydney and to Melbourne. I was working and living in Sydney during the week while my kids and my wife were living in Adelaide. I was commuting every week. It was really really hard and my body broke down. My workplace was really supportive, my boss made everything easier for me but I was the one who was trying to achieve an impossible and self imposed life work balance. I got a skin infection, a staph infection which later on I realised could have been life threatening! At the end I collapsed at work and I had to stay in our apartment in Sydney, away from the family, simply because I wasn't fit enough to travel. I stayed there, in bed, for 2 weeks. I was going to the doctor every day to remove the infection.

I was finally looking after myself from my in bed: after all, there is so much binge watching tv show you can do. After 3 days I was sick of it. I started thinking:

Ok, what happened?

I realised that I simply broke a promise I made myself to go on a solo retreat each year. I reviewed the previous year or so, and then started to think: Ok! What am I going to do next? I will talk about it later, but one of the results of the review is that I quit my job!

Then as a family we planned for January 2020 a solo retreat with:

• my parents coming to Bali to look after the kids
• my wife to go on a surf retreat
• me to go on my own. 

There was a solo retreat planned, but it was still too far away. We waited for more than a year, and then in December I really needed some time off. So I took my solo retreat by spending 2 days in a hotel downtown. My wife was happy about it, the kids understood what I was doing and I was happy about it. It really helped, even though I had the one in January planned. It was too long. And I couldn't wait for it. Funny enough when I got home, my wife was surprised to see me back so early. I guess when it’s not planned you can’t help feeling a little bit guilty!

A solo retreat has to be organised to be a win-win for everyone. 

A solo retreats a to be organised with everyone so you don't feel guilty when you take it! So, what has been instrumental really in planning this year successful solo retreat is my parents looking after the kids. That's not easy to organise because my parents live in another country. And so if they can do it that will be maximum a week a year, right that's it. Just a week for you. It's about giving them something they want, like being on their own with their grandkids. They also want to go to the sun in their winter, so Bali, with its tropical weather, was a great choice. 

Also In order to make it easier for them we flew the kids from Sydney to Bali. We stayed all together for a few days to have the kids get used to it. It also made my wife and I feel comfortable when we saw the resort they were going to stay in! So many activities: the pool, the kids club, the kids playground, the ping pong table… We knew they would be having fun!

And then my wife and I stayed only 40 minutes away by car. We all had local SIM cards. We had a WhatsApp group where we shared pictures of what we were doing. My wife was having a surf retreat on her own time, and she was really happy about it. 

And so that's a perfect solo retreat when it's not a burden for anyone. It takes a lot of organisation but if you're going to plan this a year in advance, which you can do for flights, that shouldn't be a problem. Everyone is free a year from now! [Okay, now we are not sure the planes will be flying so let's book a car instead]

Solo Retreats have to be simple and be aligned with YOU  

For me it has to be simple and it means it has to be cheap!

 So I’ll give you an example: 

• the flight to go to Bali was AU$500. 
• the accommodation for a week was AU$200 on AirBnB
• The taxi to get out of the airport to there was AU$30 and then count AU$30 for foods and drinks on a daily basis = AU$250 

That's it! AU$950

Simple and aligned to me is:

• To be close to the ocean because I love my swim. Water is my elements for me. 
• I have to be away from distraction and since I love talking, people are my distraction;). That's why I chose a remote location. 
• It has to be warm as well because I love being warm and it would stop me from going in the water otherwise

What do simple and aligned mean to you?

So, what do you do in a Solo Retreat? Self-care, Future Proof You!

It's important to give some love to your body basically especially as working parents we tend to disregard our body to take care of work and look after the kids.

Sleep is important and that’s something is not always easy to do when you go overseas because of jetlag, and if like me you take a cheap accommodation it could be difficult to sleep at night without air conditioning for instance.

But you know, that's what naps are for!

It's important to keep the same workout routine that we do at home. If you don’t have one it's a great opportunity to build one. But don’t be crazy, do a few things that you can really continue later one. The dads who took my Deep Work 4 Deep Parenthood course know all about building healthy habit: we try small and then we build on it until we reach 66 days and the habit becomes a routine.

Anyway, I digress. So for me. It's really important to do my morning swim and then do my workout for my knee because of my ACL. The good thing about Bali is you can you get a 60-minute full-body massage everyday couple of days for $10.

It's also important to eat well, and so you'll have to be cautious here in a cheap place like Indonesia because for fragile westerners the water is contaminated and you want to get sick. You can still find ways to eat healthily.

In another article, I will review the holistic review that I recommend doing!

Julien

Life is good when you #FutureProofYou, your Family and your Business...in that order!

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