The joys (and regrets) of being a dad

The joys (and regrets) of being a dad

More than a dozen years ago, when I was living with my family in Shanghai, my son acquired a daily habit of calling me immediately after returning home from school.

It was usually around 4:30 pm, a time where I would often be in the thick of my work, participating in a conference call, editing an article or report, meeting with a colleague.

He would beg me to come home so we could play and spend time together. I remember feeling frustrated, partly because I felt bad that I couldn’t be there with him, of course, but also, if I want to be perfectly honest with myself, I was frustrated because I felt he was interfering in my ability to concentrate on my work. 

I often felt tremendous pressure to perform at work, and always felt like I was behind. I was never completely caught up with the work I had committed to doing, or the work that was assigned to me. I worked, and lived, in a constant state of anxiety. 

And so, whenever something would appear to slow me down or hold me back from getting my work done — like my son, who had developed a daily ritual of calling me at work and begging me to come back home so he could play with me — that “thing” would become a barrier to my progress, and an object of frustration and anger.

Fast forward a dozen years to today: I called my son, who recently moved into a small studio apartment down the street so he could focus on his summer internship, which he started last week. 

My wife and I haven’t seen him all week, though. And while we exchange text messages daily, we hadn’t managed to talk, whether by voice or video.

Me: “Are you coming home this weekend?”

Him: “Probably not.”

He told me about the background reading he’s been doing for his internship. I told him about a meeting I had yesterday that could lead to an interesting work-related opportunity in the near term. 

After hearing me out and offering some feedback, he recommended that I write down the pluses and minuses of the opportunity. I thought it was an excellent idea, and agreed to complete his ‘assignment’ over the weekend.

After ending the video call, we moved back to texting.

Me: “Good advice. I don’t need a coach. You’re good.”

Him: “I can help in some areas. I try. Still learning.”

This exchange is just one of many I’ve experienced over the many years since he has transformed from a boy to a young man.

I’ll never forget the moment I became fully aware of the process of his maturation. Of course, it’s a natural and expected part of growing up. But the emotional punch I took when I became fully conscious of what was happening, how all of a sudden he was no longer the young boy who latched onto me and demanded my full time and attention . He was taking those essential steps toward becoming an independent person, a man.

There’s a song I discovered many years ago that perfectly encapsulates this experience: “Cat’s in the Cradle”, a folk rock song by Harry Chapin that hit the top of the US Billboard “Hot 100” when it was released in 1974, a year when I was just a boy myself.

In his song, Chapin tells the story of a father too busy to spend time with his son. The boy grows up, leaves home, gets a job. The aged father, seeking to connect with his son, confronts the same rejection that he inflicted upon his son years earlier.

I can’t remember when or how exactly I discovered the song, but every time I listen to it — every time — I cry.

I cry because I see myself in this fictional father, and I see my son in this fictional son. I often can’t bear to listen to it or even search for it on YouTube knowing the effect it will inevitably have on me. 

Don't get me wrong: I feel like I’ve been a good father to my son. I am proud of all that I’ve done to raise him, take care of him, entertain him, and teach him. I taught him how to read, how to use the computer, how to shave, how to apply for a summer internship. 

Yesterday, my wife and I were walking in the park and I passed the patch of grass where I would take my son to play soccer. He once remembered that spot in the park, and credited the time we spent together for inspiring in him a love of the game, a game he excelled at from an early age all the way through to high school, where he played on the varsity team. 

But there are also the lingering, stinging memories of me being too busy to play with him, too busy at work to come home an hour or two early so I could be with him, too busy in my own head to really focus on him. 

The lesson I’ve learned — and the one I hope to share with other dads out there who are working hard to hold down a job to support their family — is this:

Yes, work hard. Yes, do what you can to keep that job. And yes, make a good impression with your bosses. 

But be aware of how your busy-ness is being perceived by that young boy or young girl who look to you for attention, for guidance, for love. 

Are you devoting enough time to them?

Are you fully present when you’re with them?

Do you control your temper when they do something or say something that disappoints you?

When they’re all grown up and have cut the cord of financial and emotional dependence on you, will they want to spend time with you when you reach out to them, now that you’re older and, perhaps, finally a bit less busy than before?

Just a few thoughts to chew on.

Here’s to all of the dads out there who are working hard for their families: a virtual toast to all of you. I know how hard it can be sometimes, but I also know how immensely fun and rewarding it can be.

Happy father’s day.

What do you treasure most about being a father? And what do you regret the most? Please share your thoughts in the comments, I love to read them.

And please do reach out and connect with me on LinkedIn, don't be shy!


Yuvraj Saptal

Business Head Greater Mumbai.

3y

Good & practical one with each & every father nowadays.

Eric Waugh

Back in Cali | Running Down A Dream

3y

Great post Glenn. I was in a similar position about a decade ago when my kids were young. It was a struggle, to say the least. For me, finding that balance was an impossible task. I decided that being a father first was my priority and took my career in a completely different direction. With that decision came an incredible decline in income, but also came with being able to drop and pick up my kids from school, take them to soccer, softball, baseball, basketball practices, eat dinner with them every night and so many other perks. There are times I wonder if I made the right decision back then, but I am reminded almost every day that I did based on how amazing my kids turned out. I like to think I had a little something to do with that.

Supriya Gangineni

Azure Cloud Dev, Data & AI , DevOps, SharePoint , O365 | Senior Technical Consultant & DevOps Engineer | Ex-Microsoft, Ex-Infosys

3y

Thank you for sharing this Glenn Leibowitz..This is a great reflection for working parents who are finding it hard to achieve the balance..Being one of them, battling the constant guilt of not being present enough for my child while being busy providing for him, I often catch myself in similar conflict of thought and feeling of helplessness at the same time. This is a great reminder to reflect and set the priorities right.

Jinlin Cai

Executive Recruitment - BlackRock

3y

Thanks for sharing Glenn! Moms are often asked the question, how do you balance between work and raising kids? As if dads never get to worry about spending too much time at work and too less with the kids. Knowing dads like you were also struggled/troubled/regretted not being able to spend enought time with the kids, it just makes us working-moms not that alone. A belated happy father's day!

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