The Spark

For many men in the modern world, most of us in fact, life is an act of ‘quiet desperation’ and we die a little bit inside each day. We hope that the next raise, promotion or vacation will take away the boredom, stress and emptiness of our existences.

And for those of us who do find pockets of contentment and fulfillment for a while, we live in a constant state of anxiety that it will slip through our fingers.

For some it’s not even a case of being unhappy. It’s just a gnawing sense that they are not living up to their potential, that ‘there must be more to it than this’.

The first time I realized this was when I was 10 years old. I have a memory that is burned into my mind forever. My dad and I were walking our dogs down a street near our house when we met one of our neighbors, a guy named Richard.

Richard had followed all the rules and gone down the path he’d been told would lead to happiness. He married young, found a steady job, had two kids, got a mortgage - I don't know for sure but I'm guessing he was saving up for a swimming pool. I was standing holding the dogs’ leashes while my dad and Richard caught up.

They made small talk for a few minutes, discussing the latest rugby game and the usual surface stuff. And then out of nowhere, he said to my dad, “You know Greg, this is not the life I imagined for myself. I turn 40 next year, and I don’t even know who I am.” I clearly remember the look on his face when he said that. It was like the light behind his eyes was just gone. The strangest thing about the whole thing was that he and my father didn’t even know each other very well. I think he just needed someone to share it with.

That was a powerfully formative experience for me. Richard just seemed totally devoid of any joy or excitement. I remember lying awake thinking about it that night, and making a promise to myself that I would never let that happen to me. I would never let that spark fade. I would do whatever it took to live the life of my dreams. A life that I could be proud of.

But I had a big task ahead of me. At that point, I wasn’t even just an average kid. I was way below average. Besides being chubby and unpopular and socially awkward, I lived in a really unhappy home with two parents entangled in a highly dysfunctional marriage.

Now my dad, as much as I love him, didn’t have the tools to give me the guidance I needed. And I didn’t have an older brother or any other male role models who could help me out, so I knew I was on my own in this.

I instinctively knew that the answers lay in attaining knowledge (I would later find out that it was actually a combination of knowledge, courage and action - more on that later)

So I set out to acquire as much knowledge as I could. And that’s where I made my first mistake.

There’s a certain piece of wisdom that cost me a lot to acquire, which I call the ‘Law of 180’.

The Law of 180 states that if you want to attain anything of value (success, fulfillment, peak experiences etc), you need to look at where the crowd is facing, turn around and go in the opposite direction.

The Law of 180 is nothing new. It’s a common theme in economics where it’s known as contrarianism (e.g. when everyone is losing their shit buying BitCoin it’s time to sell). And we can see this concept play out in almost all aspects of life. True connection to ‘the Source’ is not found through religion, the underdog sports team that uses unusual training methods comes out of nowhere to win the champtionship - there are countless examples.

Because I did not yet understand the Law of 180, I searched for knowledge in the conventional places. And what I found was the conventional wisdom, which we all know, is very often dated, incomplete and often downright wrong.

In fact, not only will following the conventional wisdom very often not lead you to what you are searching for, it can sometimes bring you to its exact opposite.

Two examples of this are comfort and security. A basic level of security is essential for any complex organism to develop fully and life can be drudgerous without any comforts. But if they are your guiding principles, the result is very often misery and dissatisfaction.

As a young man I learned this the hard way. I had just finished college and - following the conventional wisdom - looked for the highest-paying, most ‘secure’ job I could find. A friend of mine had started working at a market research firm as an analyst and put in an application for me for a similar position.

I got out of the train station in the industrial town where the company was located and walked towards the address of my interview. As I approached it, I looked up and saw an ugly, concrete building staring down at me. It reminded me of Mordor from Lord of the Rings. My gut was screaming for me to turn and run, but the voice in my head was saying ‘the money is good and it’s only an hour from home’.

I aced the interview, was offered the job and took it. On paper everything was great - it had a good starting salary and benefits. My family and friends were all impressed and told me how lucky I was to have ’found a good job in this economy’. My boss was a nice guy and the work wasn’t particularly difficult.

There was only one major problem - I absolutely hated it. It reminded me of being back in school. Everything was run according to a clock and I sat in a little office doing work I had absolutely no interest in.

At one point I remember squinting at an excel spreadsheet of cellphone sales data for a big retail chain that I’d been tasked to decipher. My eyes were getting blurry from staring at the low-quality computer monitor and my lower back was starting to cramp up. I was only 23 and I could feel my body degenerating from the lifestyle. I was literally living for the weekend - trading 5 days of my life each week for 2.

After several months in the role, something happened that changed the course of my life forever. I woke up one morning and went over to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked in the mirror and saw something that put the fear of God in me. There was no mistaking it. That same look. I was becoming Richard.

I realized that the path I was on was not going to take me where I wanted to go. Sure, I could put my head down, suck it up to climb the corporate ladder and maybe, just maybe I would be able to retire with a decent nest egg in my 60’s. I did a simple cost-benefit analysis and realized that the upsides were not worth the price - my health, and more importantly, my soul. That very same day I put in my resignation.

So there I was without a job and not knowing what to do. I just knew I couldn’t live like that. The hardest part was the confusion. It’s not like I hadn’t tried or that I hadn’t been searching for the answers. But trying hard and following the generally accepted advice of my peer group and authority figures had led me to this point. And I knew the answer wasn’t to stop trying. I just had to find better information.

So I began my quest for knowledge again. I read literally every book I could get my hands on. I studied the fringes of psychology, nutrition, religion, business, spirituality, science. Besides theory, I also used raw life experience as part of the search. I fought MMA matches in front of thousands of people in foreign countries and traveled to the Amazon to drink plant medicine and have vision quests.

I surrounded myself with the best, most actualized people I could find - philosophers, business tycoons, doctors, martial arts masters, and even movie stars. I wanted to soak it all in. I knew that life was precious and I refused to waste a single minute of it. I wanted to know the Secrets of Life and the Universe.

During the journey, I made a huge number of mistakes and went down the wrong path many times. It cost me a great deal on all levels and I was often completely alone. But I discovered that there are secrets. Or at least, there is knowledge that is very seldom spoken about and rarely used. There are approaches to life that are far superior to others and there is wisdom that, when applied can massively improve the quality of your experience as a man.

You see, as a man, you don't crave the perfect life. What you really want is freedom, control of your destiny and a sense of accomplishment. You want to wake up every morning with a sense of purpose, excited about life and feeling like the world is yours to conquer. You want to feel ALIVE - not like you're merely existing.

Because here’s a truth: When you’re not living with purpose and connection, everything else suffers as a result. Because you lack inspiration, your work, regardless of what it is, will be of low quality. Your relationships with women will not be as fulfilling as they could be, and even your finances can be affected as you try to ‘spend away the pain’.

Another thing I learned is that my whole life I had been trained to ask for permission. And it’s the same case for most men. As children we have to ask our parents for permission, then our teachers. Then we grow up and start to ask our bosses, and sometimes even our wives. I’m here to tell you that you don’t need anybody’s permission to live the life of your dreams. But when you accept that, you also accept that nobody is going to make it happen for you.

You might not need permission, but you do need courage. It’s impossible to live a life of true connection without courage. Because everything that will truly make you happy is literally on the other side of fear. Without the courage to face this fear head on and pass through it, your dreams will remain just that. As a man, courage is the currency you must acquire if you want to buy a ticket to take the best ride.

And there are no guarantees. You can be brave and take risks and you still might not find lasting joy.

I can promise you one thing though. If you’re not really ALIVE, if you continue along the same trajectory, with your same set of habits, operating using the same knowledge, then in a few years time you’ll wake up and your life will be exactly the same. Except you’ll be a little bit older. And it’ll be harder to change. And a little bit more of the spark will be gone.

PM me if you want to know more.