Sticks and stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."

I found myself repeating the saying to my daughter Jess again this week, after more tales of schoolyard teasing.

"But that's not true daddy. I've told you before. When people call me names it does hurt me. Do you remember a bruise you had when you were 13? No. Do you remember names people called you when you were 13? Yes!"

I found myself reflecting on this comment, in the context of this and other soundbites that have been instilled in me over the years. Quotes, straplines, and mantras which I — and others — recite ad nauseam. Without ever really challenging the "truth" behind the meaning.

The question to ask, of course, is "does it work for me"? Or indeed for the person, or community, we're trying to influence. As a marathon runner, for example, I and many others find inspiration in simple quotes such as "Quitters don't Win, Winners don't Quit"; "Pain is Temporary, Pride is Forever"; "If it Doesn't Challenge You, it Won't Change You". Even though they may not necessarily be "true", one liners or slogans of this nature typically appeal to emotions, rather than having any logical basis. It would be easy to disagree with the examples above, to take the opposite perspective. But in these cases my fellow runners and I are seeking shots of adrenaline, internalised pep talks and words of encouragement. Even if it may seem shallow to others, we're not naive. It works for us.

So, what's the point? Bear with me just a little longer, please.

Similar to my daughter's rebuff above, one oft quoted phrase that doesn't work for me, is "Everything in moderation". Or said another way, "Balance in all things". This is quoted at me all the time. In recent years, as I've become more self-aware, I realise that this just isn't me. When I'm passionate about something, I do obsess. Yes, I admit it. Some have said that I have an excessive personality. All or nothing. Not to the extreme of the clinical definition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). But in certain aspects that I'm passionate about, at any point in time, yes I'm pretty much full on. At work and play.

Some see this as a negative. If it’s an unhealthy obsession, or detracts from one's happiness or sense of fulfilment, or is harmful to others, then yes maybe. But some people's unhealthy is another person's way to lead a fulfilling life. Can you overdo healthy eating for example? Can you overdo your commitment to sport? How about commitment to work? We're all different, and this means we're fulfilled by different things, and have different perspectives on life.

Can you ever imagine a coach telling an athlete pursuing a world record, to moderate their training? To just have one cigarette a day? How about someone fighting for a cause that they believe in with all their heart? In his book "Outliers", Malcolm Gladwell refers to the (sometimes disputed) empirical evidence that it takes ten thousand hours or more of practice to achieve greatness in a defined area. Whatever the science behind it, in my observation no-one who's achieved success, however defined, has done it by being balanced.

My image of a person who is perfectly balanced in all areas, is Mrs, Ms or Mr "Average". In the middle of the pack. Doing things the same as everyone else. Conforming to societal norms and expectations. For me, to live a truly fulfilled life, is all about exploring and finding one's true self, being unique, and finding those areas that we're deeply passionate about. This includes at work, within our organisations, as well as at home. Daring to be different, to stand out and be consciously unbalanced in those aspects. Of course, application of common sense is necessary, to know when to check oneself and not go off the deep end. But taking some calculated risks, to be willing to stand out and obsess about something, is liberating.

Interestingly, I had a bit of an ah ha moment in this regard, reading George Bush's book "Decision Points". In the section entitled "Quitting" he talks about turning 40, an acknowledgement that he has a habitual personality, and some examples of his all or nothing behaviours including smoking, drinking, sugar fixes, jogging and faith. Whilst not wanting to draw comparison to President Bush per se, I do relate to his point about knowing yourself and what works best for you, even if that goes against the majority or traditional view. His comments made me reflect more deeply, given my own life transition when I hit 40, that I too have a "habitual personality". (Photo: البصراوي, flicker)

By that I mean that I've never done anything that I'm passionate about, that I enjoy, in moderation. Once in the groove, I'm locked and loaded. This includes:

• Sport and fitness. In my youth, most sports — in particular rugby, football and cricket — consumed my life. In recent years this has given way to endurance running, and generally exercising in the gym to keep fit and healthy. The birth of my children set an aspiration to live to 100+, which reframed my "obsession" on physical fitness as also having a longer term goal — not just the short term pleasure that exists "in the moment". So is exercising every day, or most days, unhealthy? Obsessive? Again, the answer is relative to your own frame of reference. Compared with the exercise regime of Usain Bolt, or Muhammad Ali, I reckon I'm exceptionally balanced!
• Food and drink. When we're young many of us think we're immortal, and dismiss our parents’ guidance to moderate without a second thought. In my junior rugby playing years, poor food choices and excessive drinking were part of the culture. In a similar vein, corporate entertaining during the 1990s and early 2000's also had an accepted culture of eating and drinking. Again, I did both to excess and grew fat as a result. I tried moderation, but I always struggled with the idea if you like something, to just have a little bit. Some of us actually find it easier to abstain, than moderate! Is that bad? Of course moderation works for many people, and good for you. One glass of wine a day, perhaps? One beer? One piece of bread? One small dessert? We can always justify something as doing us no harm, the question is does it make us happy? Or happier? Not just today, but over the long term? In recent years, I've found it easy to quit alcohol, coffee and regular caffeine laced tea, just like George Bush, as well as sugar and processed food. And I'm happier and fitter than ever before, as a result. Again, one extreme to the other, but it works for me!
• Positivity. My natural tendency is "always look on the bright side of life". I'm at the optimist end of optimist, and that's the way I choose to live life. I tend to trust first, give you a chance, rather than distrust. OK I've been duped a few times, but it’s not killed me. Personally I choose to have a conscious bias for positivity. Rather that than a bias for negativity, and distrust. There are too many cynical people in the world today, in my view. Too many people who only ever see problems, when there's so much to be grateful for. I remember my dear nan, who passed away at aged 95 a few years ago. In her later life she always struggled to see the benefits of modern living. "It’s not as good as how we did it in my day, all these computers and social media, we used to get fresh air, eat real food, spend time with real people, every time you turn on the news today its war and killing....". Doom and gloom at every turn!   
• Work, family, life. For me there's just life, work and family are parts of an integrated storyboard. For those areas that I enjoy, I pursue with 100%. But in this regard, I mean 100% of my commitment — this doesn't necessarily equate to 100% of my time. Yes I work long hours, but I also integrate that with my broader life passions and interests, my family, health and fitness, interacting and engaging with different people and cultures all over the world. I consciously make time to ensure that I'm firing on all cylinders, hitting all the buttons that motivate, fulfill and inspire me, on a regular basis. None of this is about moderation and balance.  

Steve Jobs in his famous speech, at Stanford University in 2005, said:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice."

My contention is that few people actually moderate those aspects of their lives that they are passionate about — family, religion, work, food and drink, life purpose, deeply held principles, to name a few. The key, is to actually understand those unique talents that you have, your life purpose and passion, and then to go for it with everything you have. To me, greatness comes from being prepared to be in a minority, to obsess about something that you believe in passionately.

Do you agree, and if so which aspect of your life is unbalanced? Or do you believe you really do moderation in all things? Maybe you just haven't figured out your life's purpose, yet?