Stop Being Ungrateful, Judging, and Stereotyping Others

Have you ever been judged or stereotyped by someone?

Yes, I know, all of us have of course … It’s an awful feeling, isn’t it?

Have you ever met someone who is ungrateful?

Worse even, have you ever worked with someone who is ungrateful?

Or much worse, have you ever had a boss who is ungrateful?

But, most importantly, have you ever felt ungrateful? It’s a bad feeling, isn’t it?

* * * *

We all have been judged, stereotyped, and unappreciated at some point in our lives, and we know how bad it feels. And we all have done so to others – have we not?

What’s usually less examined is what we actually miss when we judge and stereotype others, the benefits of gratefulness, and what we miss when we feel ungrateful.

* * * *

Consider the following story.

A young man was approaching his 21st birthday. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom. Knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was what he really would like for his birthday. As his 21st approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

On his birthday, the father called him into his private office and told him how proud he was of him and how much he loved him. He then handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. With a mix of curiosity, anticipation and excitement the young man opened the box. But he was soon bitterly disappointed when he found a leather-bound holy Bible/Quran. He angrily raised his voice at his father and said: “With all the money you have, that’s all you can give me for my 21st – a holy book?” and he stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book behind.

Many years passed and the young man became a prominent business person with a beautiful family but he never contacted his father again. One day, he received a call saying that his father had passed away and left all of his possessions to him. He had to go home immediately to take care of things. When he arrived at his father’s house, he was filled with sudden sadness and regret. While searching through his father’s papers, he found the holy book, exactly as he had left it years ago. He opened it with tears and browsed through the pages. As he read some of the passages, a car key dropped from an envelope taped at the back of the book. The key had a tag with the dealer’s name – the same dealer who had the sports car he had wanted so much. On the tag was the date of his birthday and the following words written on it: “Paid in Full”.

* * * *

This story reminds me of the numerous times I judged books [situations and people] by their covers (and the opportunities missed as a result) but it also helps me to stay alert and to: (1) not be judgemental of others; and (2) regularly practise the habit of searching for the things I’m grateful for in my life.

My personal experience is that if you spend the time looking for gratitude in your life, you’ll find it – guaranteed!

What Is Gratitude/Gratefulness?

Gratitude and gratefulness are synonyms.

Gratitude is far more than just positive thinking. It is an underestimated virtue and one of the most neglected emotions. Gratitude is the emotional state and attitude towards life that affords us strength and enhances personal and relational well-being.

We feel grateful, thankful, glad or appreciative when someone has given or done something for us that we value, enjoy or appreciate. As a consequence, we also feel indebted (owing gratitude or recognition) to them for what they have done for us. It’s a great emotion to experience.

And the good news is that it can be learned and cultivated. This also means we have a choice whether we feel grateful or not.

Benefits

Gratitude is an amplifier of positive emotion, and is associated with better life outcomes – it heals, energises, and change our lives.

Gratitude is a great motivator and leads to action. Grateful people are excellent at setting goals, making progress despite obstacles, and achieving them.

Research indicates that grateful people:

• Have much better well-being
• Experience lower levels of anxiety and depression
• Have higher levels of optimism
• Reframe disaster and adversity better
• Are more socially connected
• Are less like to be rejection sensitive
• Are much less likely to get angry
• Have lower blood pressure
• Are more successful at achieving their goals

Barriers

The fact that gratitude can be learned doesn’t mean it’s necessarily easy. In fact, it rarely happens by default and it requires conscious effort.

While it may sound counter intuitive, being grateful requires giving up control, acceptance and surrender. That’s why ‘control freaks’ find it very difficult to be grateful or to show appreciation to others – they micromanage, need to be on stage all the time and feel they make everything happen. If you ever had a boss like this, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

Some of the most common obstacles in developing gratitude are:

1. Culture and consumerism have conditioned us to focus on what we don’t have, as opposed to developing appreciation for what we already have. Like trust, being grateful requires a vulnerability, and being indebted to others. It’s easier, of course, to believe we have done it all by ourselves.
2. Lack of maturity. As children we want just about everything under the sun and throw tantrums when we don’t get, or when others don’t meet our demands. As we grow up and mature, hopefully, we learn this is unrealistic and that we are not the centre of the universe. We also learn to delay gratification and consider the needs of others but not everyone learns this by the time they are adults. In the extreme, this is what we call a narcissism and borderline personality disorder. Perhaps you know someone like this? Hopefully, it wasn’t your boss!
3. Similar to the above, having a sense of entitlement by believing we deserve more than we have or has been given to us, also leads to ingratitude.
4. Suffering is possibly the greatest barrier to gratefulness, as it can be used to legitimise the entitlement to be unhappy and ungrateful. Of course this assumes that gratitude and suffering and gratefulness cannot co-exist. If you think this way, check the classic Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

Strategies To Generate and Cultivate Gratefulness

Some of the most powerful strategies to build and sustain gratefulness include:

• Keeping a gratitude journal; and
• Expressing gratitude to others by saying “thank you” (e.g. gratitude letters).

Gratitude is especially powerful when it’s expressed directly to others. It’s essential for building self-leadership and self-confidence, effective teamwork, and building high performing organisations.

* Warning: Being ungrateful and not showing appreciation to others is the perfect recipe for isolating yourself and gaining a negative reputation. This is particularly relevant to team leaders.  

Final note

If you happen to be a sceptic, I recommend reading “Five myths about gratitude” by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D. (professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis and the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude), as well as the references below.

References

Emmons, R.A., 2008. Thanks!: How practicing gratitude can make you happier. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Grant, A.M. & Gino, F. (2010). A little thanks goes a long way: Explaining why gratitude expressions motivate prosocial behavior. Journal of personality and social psychology, 98(6), pp. 946-955.

Halvorson, H.K. (2016). Stop making gratitude all about you. Harvard Business Review, June.

© 2016 Sebastian Salicru

======================================================

Sebastian Salicru (Business Psychologist) 

Global Leadership Development Expert | Executive Coach | Facilitator | Researcher | Author

sss@pts.net.au | www.pts.net.au