Stop Lying to Yourself

What have you wanted in your life that others have told you that you can’t have? 

More importantly, how long have you believed them? 

Recently, I spoke to someone who always wanted to become a manager, but after 16 years at the same job, he was still an individual contributor. Why? Because a leader at his job 17 years prior told him that while he was great at what he did, being a leader was likely “not his calling.”

Instead of questioning this, or figuring out how to grow to make it his calling, he just … accepted it. He never even applied to open management positions.

Now, 16 years later, he’s trying to determine how he can realize his dream.

I personally believe that time is not something that can be wasted. But this is certainly the longest lesson I’ve personally witnessed. He could have used these nearly two decades not only to improve himself and attain his dream, but then he could have passed on that mentorship and insight to his direct reports. 

Is the reason he’s not a manager because he’s not suited to it, or because he told himself he wasn’t suited to it? 

In his book “Personality Isn’t Permanent,” Dr. Benjamin Hardy says:

"Your view of the world says more about you than it does about the world. Your view of the past says more about you than it does about the past. Consequently, you should formulate meaning based on your desired future self. This requires being intentional about your interpretation of your experiences, even your hard ones … Your past can and must change."

Telling yourself you can do something is called a limiting belief. Would you tell your child “You’re just not good at math, so let’s just not take math anymore”? If not, why would you tell yourself the same thing?

Perhaps you’ve told yourself that you’re not getting a new job because you’re just not good at interviews. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can be good at interviews. And if you already think you’re good, you can be better. How? Preparation. Know what you will say when someone asks you “Tell me about a time when you’ve stepped up as a leader.” 

If you think you’re better on the fly, I’m here to tell you that you probably are not. Your mindset is everything, especially when you’re interviewing for a new job. 

Recently, we had two people interview for the same job. The company was looking to hire two people, so both interviewees had good odds. The first person to interview took the prep materials we provided her and engaged with them, and asked for help in prepping some answers, which of course we did. The day of the interview, she felt confident and prepared. 

The second person said, almost verbatim: “I have the experience they’re looking for. I feel really good that I’m a great fit for them.”

The second person interviewed first. Afterwards, she said “I can’t really tell how it went. It was supposed to be 45 minutes and we finished in 27. Is that a good sign?” It usually isn’t.

When the first person called, she said: “I think it went really well. When they asked a question about my leadership, I used the second story we talked about because it seemed more relevant. When it ended after 45 minutes, they ended by telling me I’d hear back shortly regarding references.”

Person one got an offer; person two did not. Both went in confident, but for different reasons. Person one felt confident because she had prepared; person two felt confident because she thought her experience would speak for itself. 

A limiting belief doesn’t always mean telling yourself you can’t do something; sometimes it’s telling yourself you can without doing any work to prove it. So when you think you can’t do something, prove yourself wrong. When you think you can, prove yourself right. Remember, mindset is everything.

Make things happen — and for the sake of your career, your goals, and your happiness, stop lying to yourself.

Looking to prepare yourself better for interviews? Check out the first post in a two-part series where I discuss the top five most common interview questions and how you should prepare for them.