The Story of My [Corporate] Ego Death

When this newsletter began, it was a simple copy-paste of our weekly newsletter. Today, that changes. And while you can still subscribe to our weekly newsletter, expect this space to be more reflective of my perspectives on the landscape of workplace fairness, the XM work we're leading at Living Corporate, and my personal reflections as I continue my leadership journey as a founder and CEO.

2019 had been a grueling year, not something I was unfamiliar with as a consultant. But, this one was different. Never before had I felt the pressure to prove myself to an organization and my clients. I worked on multiple billable engagements, mentored staff, supported a plethora of RFPs, and led a variety of internal engagements, all to beat back the insecurity of not belonging. Towards the end of the year, I had a meeting with my supervisor. After outlining my work and what I'm looking to get out of my time with the firm, he responded with the following:

"Zach, you know, the truth of the matter is, you're too focused on DEI. This is a large firm, but this firm isn't for everybody. Maybe it's time you think about opportunities outside of this organization, because what you're interested in we simply are not invested in."

The emotions in that moment flooded me. I was offended at the assertion; I was leading multiple projects that weren't "DEI" at all. I was confused by the intellectual dishonesty; the firm not only had a global DEI team, but they exploited my thought leadership often. I was angry at the lack of empathy; this person was on the front row for all the work I was leading and had multiple documented points of evidence for my work. After I pointed to documentation proving his assertions wrong, he told me I would need to explain to him what my new focus would be, in their words, "outside of DEI," to justify why I should stay with the firm.

Baffled, I ended the call. I recall the tears of frustration that fell, the expectation that my hard work would justify my seat at a table crashing against the reality of a leader (and organization) that was determined to misunderstand me. This phone call was also the straw that led me to take a mental health leave from the firm. That level of abject rejection functioned as an ego death of sorts. My labor, my resilience, my adaptability, my thought leadership, my accountability—none of it mattered in that organization.

After I processed the pain of that conclusion, I had a choice: I could lean into that fear and believe I was in fact not enough, or I could believe that my value isn't validated by extractive, capitalist institutions (including the titles or stated power that come with them), but by the measurable impact I decide to leave with people. I chose the latter. I came back from my mental health + paternity leave with a clearer understanding that who I am is who I am, and that is more than enough.

That clarity empowered me to advocate for myself and do so from a place of peaceful, confident power instead of fear. I have taken that with me since leaving that organization, which helps me as CEO of Living Corporate in providing the right support to our team, the right solutions to our clients, and guidance with whom we decide to partner. Beyond that, it is a fuel that drives me to decenter myself as I show up well for loved ones. I can only wish this freedom for everyone.

"Don't over think what you think that they thinking" - Rapsody

- Zach