Tell Me About Your Rabbits

“Do you want a statue? Or do you want to serve?”

One of my coaching clients shared with me that he’d been asking himself these questions recently, in a brave and profound exercise of introspection.

He’d begun his entrepreneurial journey from a place of love and service. But along the way he’d been influenced by the Silicon Valley culture of entrepreneur worship, and had felt a pull toward doing things that would enhance his reputation more than doing things that manifested his desire to be of service to the world.

And what he realized is, the two motivations were pulling him in opposite directions.

It reminded me of a proverb, often attributed to Confucius, and first printed in Latin in Erasmus’s Adagia in the year 1500: “Duos insequens lepores neutrum capit.”

For those of you who didn’t take high school Latin, that roughly translates to “Chase two rabbits and catch neither.”

(Confession: I did take high school Latin (proof: “semper ubi sub ubi”), and I needed Google Translate.)

The Second, Secret Rabbit

Many of us are chasing more than one rabbit.

Take me, for example.

If you ask me what I want, recognition or the opportunity to serve, I’ll tell you that I’m all about service.

So why do I get secretly pissed off when I do a “good deed” and don’t get enough thanks?

I’m self-aware enough to know that about myself. And sometimes I’m brave enough to admit it.

But I’m sure I’m motivated in ways that I have no idea about.

Example: The Need to Achieve

Take, for example, people high in a trait researchers call N-ach, or “need for achievement.” (Thanks to Richard Boyatzis’ epic work, The Science of Change, for teaching me about this.)

High N-ach folks have a subconscious drive to demonstrate their worth and skill, both to themselves and others. It sounds like a very useful drive, and it is — in situations where there are clear winners and losers, like sports.

But it often comes at a price.

Someone high in N-ach might destroy their health and their relationships to be the top salesperson.

They might start wars and poison the planet in their quest to build the biggest company.

They might play in a sports league and argue and swear and cheat rather than just play hard and have fun.

All of which is to say, they might look back on their life from their deathbed with more than a few regrets.

Other Rabbits

There are plenty of other rabbits that we chase without realizing it: need for approval, need for belonging, need to be right. (For a depressingly complete list, check out Marshall Goldsmith’s book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There.)

Our motivations are our motivations — it’s not for me to judge yours.

But if your hidden motivations are driving you, two bad things are probably happening:

1. They’re interfering with the motivations that consciously drive you, the ones you know you care about

1. They’re pushing you into a smaller life — because our aspirational vision is almost always grander, kinder, and more aligned with our true nature than our unconscious drives

Your deepest vision is bigger than personal success, or making a lot of money, or staying safe.

Flushing Out the Second Rabbit

So how do you discover your secret rabbits, the ones that are distracting you from the rabbits you really want?

By slowing down. By noticing when you feel divided, or pulled in multiple directions.

Whenever you’re not going for what you want 100%, there’s almost certainly a second rabbit in play.

Whenever you notice a feeling of “something’s missing” or “something’s not quite right,” there’s a second rabbit nibbling at a corner of your mind.

Ask yourself, “What else is important to me here?”

Be patient, notice what comes up in your body and mind, and stay with the thread that emerges.

When something bubbles up, reiterate the question: “And what’s important to me about that?”

Keep going until you find the rabbit.

Having multiple motivations isn’t necessarily a problem. Being dragged around by the short and curlies by ones you’re not aware of is.

Once I recognize my desire for recognition, I can choose to let it go, or harness it as part of my service so I don’t end up grumpy and resentful when I do a good deed.

Once an N-ach person accepts that they really like being on the podium (the Gold medal one, of course), they can work toward that goal while still focusing on savoring the journey and growing as a person.

And sometimes when you embrace a life of service, you get that statue anyway.