Ten subtle behaviours that make people respect you less

Years of awkwardness compelled me to want to learn about what attracts one another.

People make judgements extremely quickly about the kind of person we are.

This means there are tiny changes we all can make that impact how others see us.

Let’s go:

1. Rushing speech

Many of us talk quickly for many reasons, including being jacked up on coffee and excited about what we’re saying.

There are nuances here, as always, and sometimes it’s a good thing to speak at a similar pace to your counterpart.

But the message this often transmits is you aren’t comfortable in your words. It’s like grabbing a hot cake and throwing it back quickly.

When we give ourselves time to speak, finding the right words becomes a lot easier, putting others at ease, and people will have more faith in what we’re saying.

2. Lack of attention.

Being attentive to someone in person and listening is not a submissive act.

Scrolling your phone while in conversation doesn’t make you look cool.

It makes you look like a child. Be there with someone.

Demonstrate your interest and be genuinely interested.

Presence has a power to it.

This will attract people to you like little else.

3. Too fast to agree.

If I’m speaking with someone, and they nod along enthusiastically to all that I say, and they rarely disagree, I can’t help but lose interest.

This doesn’t mean you need to be combative and unpleasant.

But agreeing to everything and everyone is like adding water to paint.

It dilutes who you are in my eyes.

4. Interrupting.

I see this happening at a seemingly increasing rate in the modern, distracted age.

This is frustrating if I’m speaking and you can’t wait to interject with your opinion as I’m talking.

Yet this appears to be tolerated by many.

The speaker might allow you to trample all over their comments, but deep down, they don’t respect you for this.

Let others finish their thought, and be ok with some silences in a conversation.

Cutting in plainly demonstrates we lack faith in our own words. Why?

Because we are continually compelled to prove ourselves, rather than relaxing and giving the other space, which is a leadership move.

5. Taking stuff too seriously.

I’ve been guilty of this because I can get in my head and over-analyse.

Find ways to enjoy yourself, no matter the context.

Don’t be the guy who brings the heaviness and sucks the energy out of a room.

This happens when you’re judgemental in mind and spirit. Be light-hearted, and focus on lifting those around you.

6. Avoiding high-flame topics.

‘High-flame’ means using courage in your communication.

Speaking your truth.

Being willing to say what others might avoid.

This depends on how far into a relationship you are with someone, and different contexts determine the appropriateness of chosen topics.

But if you’re continually avoiding ‘edgier’ issues or tougher words to avoid causing offence, you will be seen as merely ‘nice.’

That’s ok, but is ‘nice’ the legacy you want to leave?

7. Devaluing your time.

If you’re quick to drop everything to help us, you might be pleasing, but what else does it say about you?

Pleasing others is not the same as maintaining self-respect. This is a hard lesson for many to learn.

We all grew up knowing the rewards of pleasing parents and teachers.

This doesn’t apply in the adult world. Pleasing others at the expense of your integrity and freedom is not empowering. Instead, honour yourself first.

If you do decide to help others, make sure you both gain in the process: i.e. you do it out of a genuine desire to help, not to impress.

8. Self-analysing.

Being overly conscious of how I was coming across and what I was saying was a problem for me growing up.

When speaking with people, I’d continually judge what I’d said in a bid to be liked.

This self-monitoring meant I was never IN the conversation — but rather in my thoughts ABOUT the conversation.

Ironically this puts us at even more of a performance disadvantage, and you will lose people.

9. Reacting to criticism.

It’s easy to believe that being non-reactive to the criticisms of others is a weak move.

Surely if someone disrespects us, we need to react — to put them down, to assert our strength?

No.

Reacting says this: you aren’t comfortable in your skin, and you have something to protect and to prove.

This approach is rooted in lack, and people sense this instantly.

Instead, smile, tease, make light, and move on.

10. Relying on outcomes.

In other words: being needy.

Humans are very attuned to neediness in other people.

Perhaps we want her to agree to a second date, or we desperately want that client sale.

If we’re reliant on a ‘successful’ outcome, it pollutes our behaviour in the moment.

We get tight. We take things personally when they don’t go to plan.

Our performance is hampered.

It makes us look like we have few options, which immediately decreases our perceived status.

To finish: the common thread is the need to get out of our heads and be more in a present flow.

But if all the above ideas are in our heads, we will not be calm and present.

So, absorb what I’ve shared, and come back to this often.

Allow these ideas to become second nature through practice.

But when you’re out in the ‘field,’

Let it all go.

Be open to your innate wisdom.

You always know what to do next.

Relax in the uncertainty of it all.

This is how you surprise yourself.

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