Thought Pieces Are the Flatulence of Intellectual Discourse (Including This One)

Let’s talk about thought pieces. You know, those overlong, self-important digital sermons masquerading as insights? They’re the literary equivalent of a coworker who’s way too into their PowerPoint slides. Everyone’s pretending to be impressed, but inside, they’re begging for the meeting to end.

And yes, before you even say it, this is a thought piece about how stupid thought pieces are. I get the irony. I am the coworker here. Welcome to my PowerPoint.

Thought Pieces Are Basically the Internet’s Bathroom Graffiti

They’re everywhere, and they all say the same thing: “For a mediocre time, call me.” They’re long, rambling essays stuffed with buzzwords and vague conclusions, but hey, they have subheadings, so they feel smart.

But the truth is, thought pieces are just thoughts dressed up like they’re going to prom. And you know what? They’re still awkward and unoriginal underneath that rented tuxedo. Worse, they’re written by people like me—someone who knows they’re full of nonsense but keeps typing because the irony of calling it out feels clever. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

The Anatomy of a Thought Piece (Including This One)

1. The Bold Claim

This is the part where the author pretends to blow your mind: “Why Everything You Know About X Is Wrong.”

Except it’s not wrong. It’s just… different words for the same idea you’ve seen a hundred times.

Take this piece, for example. My big claim? Thought pieces are dumb. Are you shocked? Probably not. But I’m here writing it anyway because self-awareness is my only defense.

2. The Personal Anecdote

Every thought piece starts with the writer gazing at their navel. “As I sipped my overpriced oat milk latte, I realized something profound about the human condition.”

Well, here’s my profound moment: As I started writing this, I realized that writing about how stupid thought pieces are is still writing a thought piece. The snake has eaten its tail. Welcome to my TED Talk.

3. The Half-Baked Solution

This is where authors pretend to offer a path forward. But do I have a solution? Nope. I’m just here pointing at the problem like, “See? Isn’t that bad?” You’re welcome for my service.

Why Thought Pieces Are Dumb (Again, Including This One)

Here’s the thing: thought pieces rarely say anything new. They’re tweets in formalwear, strutting around the internet in their little bowties, hoping to impress someone important enough to invite the author to a conference.

And yet, I’m writing this thought piece right now. I’ve fallen into the exact trap I’m criticizing. Do I feel shame? A little. Do I feel clever? Also a little. Am I contributing to the very noise I’m mocking? Absolutely. I am the human embodiment of a snake eating its tail, smugly thinking, “Wow, what a great circle I’ve made.”

The True Purpose of Thought Pieces

Let’s be honest about why people write these things:

• To sound smart.

• To get retweets.

• To pad their LinkedIn profiles with something vaguely intellectual.

Nobody writes a thought piece to change the world. We write them to trick ourselves into thinking we’re doing something important, like what I’m doing right now.

The Beautiful, Stupid Irony

This thought piece isn’t here to help you. It’s here to prove a point, which is that thought pieces are nonsense—and yet here you are reading one.

So, if you’ve made it this far, congrats. You’re in the belly of the snake with me now. Let’s accept the futility together. Because while thought pieces might be the intellectual flatulence of the internet, at least some of them—this one, for example—smell like satire.

And isn’t that worth something?

No? Oh. Well, at least I tried. :)