The Three Musketeers
When the Cleveland Browns signed three former Green Bay Packers executives (and an alcoholic) to run their football franchise, they hoped it was the beginning of a new era. Alas, it is not.
Don’t get me wrong. Truckstop Jimmy (™ Mike Jansen) Haslam, owner of the Browns, has certainly overseen some improvements. This offseason, especially pre-draft, has seen a radical roster transformation for the better. This no longer looks like a team that’s gone 1-31 over the last two seasons (and needed a missed field goal to eke out that single victory). But the prairie dog of optimism is a cruel mistress to football fans in Cleveland, because it inevitably scurries back into its hole leaving nothing but the stench of scorched earth.
Then came the 2018 NFL Draft. Armed with an arsenal of hope (and the 1st and 4th picks in the first round), pigskin fans from the shores of Lake Erie made nachos and invited friends over to watch a phoenix rise from the ashes, or so they hoped. These premium picks came at a dear cost, so they could not, must not be squandered. The 1st pick was the result of being only the second team to ever go 0-16 in a season. The 4th pick was the result of not selecting Deshaun Watson last year, a decision the franchise would do anything to reverse. In the previous two years, Cleveland passed on the opportunity to select both Watson and Carson Wentz, who will likely end up being the very best franchise quarterbacks of their generation. It’s well-documented that the Browns are the ultimate QB graveyard, but some forget that their disgrace goes beyond failed players and extends to blown opportunities. It is truly the most glaring failure in global professional sports.
The anxiety mounted as the NFL’s android commissioner, currently in beta testing, showed off solid walking mechanics as it strode to the podium to announce that Cleveland was on the clock. Cleveland fans (and Mike Jansen) had heard the reports from the previous week, that there was suddenly a new favourite to go #1 overall. While they remained in denial, I had already come to grips with it. It’s not that I’m a Browns fan. I’m more of a Browns sympathizer. But minutes after Roger Goodell announced the selection, the internet was already awash in viral videos of fans expressing their shock, disgust, and disbelief. Baker Mayfield was “the answer.”
Baker Mayfield. Not Sam Darnold, the most pro-ready QB in the draft, who a year ago was projected as this year’s no-brainer #1 overall pick before a down year softened scouts’ enthusiasm for him. Not Josh Allen, the best QB on paper, who outclassed everyone in height, arm strength, hand size, attitude, and intelligence. Not Josh Rosen, possessor of the most natural throwing motion ever. Not Saquon Barkley, the next Marshall Faulk at running back. Not Bradley Chubb, the franchise pass-rusher who’s a combination of Khalil Mack and Von Miller. Nope, none of those scrubs. Baker Mayfield.
Baker Mayfield, whose much-ballyhooed athleticism was no match for the cops who tackled him when he tried to resist arrest by running away. Baker Mayfield, who was originally given a second-round draft grade, with some people only expecting him to sneak into the first round due to a lack of true first-round-calibre players, a plethora of QB-needy teams, and the runaway media hype train. Baker Mayfield, whose immaturity, terrible footwork, short stature, and lack of experience against good defenses put up red flags in front of all those who hadn’t succumbed to confirmation bias. Baker Mayfield, more famous for grabbing his crotch and disrespecting other teams than for his play on the field. Baker Mayfield, who I would personally consider the fourth-best QB in his draft class (and a case could certainly be made for fifth-best). Baker Mayfield, pushed since day one by Scot McCloughan, and eventually accepted by the Green Bay triumvirate of Dorsey, Highsmith, and Wolf. Baker Freaking Mayfield.
At 4th overall, the Browns selected Denzel Ward. This was also a mistake. The Browns claim that they somehow had Ward, the best CB in the class, ranked equally with Bradley Chubb, the best OLB in the class. But only the latter is seen as a franchise-altering player (something a cornerback could rarely be considered). If they wanted Ward, they should have at least traded down, and I don’t buy that some teams would have taken him in the 5-6 range. I would have personally taken Barkley and Chubb with the picks, and given up on trying to draft and develop quarterbacks in the Cleveland Browns organization (at least for a few years, and at least when it comes to ultra-high draft picks). I knew the Browns wouldn’t take my advice to get both guys, but I thought that missing both guys would require trading down. Only Cleveland could do the impossible.
The Cleveland Browns should win some games this year. I think their new starting QB, Tyrod Taylor, is severely underrated. They made some solid trades and free-agent signings. They’ve accumulated enough talent to at least be average. But once again we’ve seen mind-boggling missed opportunities. The Three Musketeers of Dorthos, Highos, and Wolfamis, along with their hanger-on D’Cloughan, have not saved the day. In this case, they are the ones manipulating, not opposing, the weak monarch King Jimmy the First. They are the bad guys, though they do not know it. This time the muskets are aimed at the loyal subjects, the fans.
In the original story, D’Artagnan gets what he wants, but he eventually realizes it isn’t really what he wanted. The same will go for D’Cloughan, who has already blown two NFL GM opportunities, and will learn that things tend to come in threes, whether they be musketeers or strikes. There are no truly happy endings, especially in 17th-century France and 21st-century Cleveland. Everything is more tragic and complicated than it ever needed to be.
The End