Today Would Have Been Your 50th Birthday

This is one post I really have no idea how to start.

To the one guy who was NEVER at a loss for words, I start this now not having the words to truly describe the hurt I wake up to this morning.

Usually everything just kind of flows with ease once I get into a rhythm on what I want to write about…but today it doesn’t flow like that for me.

So I will just let it rip as best as I can.

Today, I am blinded by sadness and anger. Blinded by the sadness of knowing that you aren’t here to celebrate turning 50 like you wanted to be.

Angry because it wasn’t supposed to go down like this. Angry because we were supposed to celebrate this together.

The “Two Idiots That Shared A Brain”…the “twins” just 8 days apart in age…were supposed to celebrate this milestone in style: with me enjoying a steak bigger than my plate and you eating whatever vegetarian regimen you refused to budge from no mater how much I made fun of you over it. The celebratory dinner that will unfortunately have to wait.

I’m angry at myself that I didn’t get my chance to say goodbye, and your last text that wasn’t answered screams at me to this day; knowing you didn’t concern yourself with such things…but I do.

Forgiveness over petty stuff like that was just your nature…and one I learned a valuable lesson on, but am still pretty damned hard on myself over it.

So today, I will celebrate you my brother. Because regardless if your physical presence isn’t with me, your spiritual and emotional one most certainly is and has been since you left us.

The lessons you left me with are here…even the ones you didn’t realize you were teaching me that I found in losing you.

I write this through the tears of loss…knowing all of the things I would love to call you about and text you about but can’t.

Knowing our text thread will never end with a reciprocated: “I love you, brother”, like they usually did.

You were a a blazing comet in my life…leaving a trail for me to follow even in your absence…with me never thinking there would ever be an absence.

Fighting back the sadness of today is only comforted by the fact that I grieve the way I do because I had the incredible honor of being in your life and you being one of the greatest and most loyal friends I will ever have.

I grieve because I miss you so. I miss our conversations that would span as long as I could stand it…and I say that with a humor that you would understand if you were here to read it.

Yo A…I hope you are proud of who I have become, and who I am trying to be. I hope you are getting a kick out of watching me from afar and I am certain you are belly laughing in that loud and obnoxious way over my many mistakes as I roll through this life without you around.

I am sure during my many times of struggle and looking up and wishing you were here for me to vent to just so you could take it off my mind by switching to a thousand topics, you wanted to grab a megaphone and tell me it’s going to be alright…and you know what?

It has.

Even through the times I didn’t think I would make it, and doubted my every move, it’s been ok.

I have embraced life more. Tried to take as much in as I can and taken the chances I never would have before.

I started publishing my writing that you told me I should have done 10 years ago.

I live life like it’s my last day to do so…unapologetically me.

Sometimes that’s worked out really well for me…and sometimes, well…I still have a lot to learn as I navigate the remaining days I have looking to pay life forward, but I am doing the very best I can do be better.

Far from perfect as we always discussed…but still trying like hell to do right by as many people as I can.

Hell…you even made me appreciate Miley Cyrus’s version of “Heart Of Glass” and Starship’s “We Built This City” in your departure…and I shed a small tear or get a lump in my throat every time I hear both…but then smile and shake my head knowing you, once again, were right.

“Also, anyone who lists “We Built This City” as the worst song of all time is a F’n idiot who has never heard any other songs.”~ Aaron Fenzi, unapologetically texted on 2/17, 2021.

And that text is exactly who you were.

The King of hashtags and self promotion.

Your favorite wrestler’s favorite wrestler.

The King of Coachella Valley.

The tough guy with a heart of gold with no tolerance for bullies, in person or online.

The guy who taught me that telling someone important to me that I loved them was never anything to be ashamed of, because you, my brother, did it unapologetically without hesitation and without shame .

Today you were supposed to turn 50.

I will turn on the “MTNKO Depression Killer” playlist I ripped off from you and added more songs to (understanding that I broke your playlist code of having more than 2 songs from one artist), because today I need my depression killed…and there were very few people able to do that the way you could.

I will read through our text threads and miss the fact there are still so many topics to cover that for right now will just have to wait until I get to speak with you again.

I miss you, man.

More than you would ever think possible.

Until we meet again, I’ll continue to let the music play and say out loud what I would have sent through text while I watch the Rocky movies…because for some reason I think you’re there in spirit watching them with me.

I love you, my brother. Happy Birthday.