The Top 5 "Shoulds" That Are Making You Miserable
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Helping individuals, couples, and leaders become who they are meant to be.
Stop making decisions based on “shoulds” and free yourself from “Should-Napping”
Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I should have known that" or "I shouldn't need any help; what's wrong with me?" You might not realize how much power you give to these "shoulds" over your decision-making. These "shoulds" can lead you to make decisions that prioritize others' happiness or avoid guilt, rather than doing what you truly want. Essentially, your brain gets “should-napped,” making you say yes when you really want to say no.
What is Should-Napping?
Should-napping is when our brain gets hijacked by all those shoulds that automatically pop up, making us miserable. You know, thoughts like, "I should be more successful," or "I should be happier." These shoulds only lead to anxiety, insecurity, and self-doubt. Imagine your mind being taken hostage by unrealistic expectations—it's no wonder we feel so weighed down!
Should-napping is a direct result of the brain being hardwired to use "shoulds," prioritizing them over our true desires. This conditioning often starts early in life, as societal expectations, cultural norms, and personal experiences shape our neural pathways. As a result, the decisions we make are frequently influenced by what we think we "should" do, rather than what we genuinely want. This automatic reliance on "shoulds" can lead to a life driven by obligation and guilt, rather than passion and fulfillment.
To build awareness of how often people use shoulds to make decisions, I created the Big Giant Book of Shoulds. This book tracks how many shoulds people use to judge themselves and keep themselves down. Through this process, I discovered the top 5 shoulds that cause the most misery, anxiety and frustrated hopes and dreams.
Should #1: I Should Have Everything Figured Out by Now
The belief that you should have everything figured out by now is a pervasive and damaging mindset. It stems from societal pressures and unrealistic expectations that life should follow a linear, predictable path. However, the reality is that personal growth and development are nonlinear and unique to each individual. Holding yourself to the standard of having all the answers can lead to unnecessary stress and feelings of inadequacy.
Should #2: I Should Always Be Productive and Useful to Others
Society often glorifies constant busyness and self-sacrifice, making rest and self-care seem like luxuries rather than necessities. However, this relentless drive for productivity can lead to burnout, stress, and a diminished sense of self-worth. It's essential to recognize that rest and downtime are just as important as work. Taking time for yourself to relax and recharge is crucial for maintaining long-term productivity and overall well-being. Remember, your value is not solely determined by how much you do for others. It's okay to prioritize your own needs and take breaks without guilt.
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Should #3: I Should Never Need Anyone or Anything
Trying to be superhuman only leads to loneliness and isolation. It stems from the false notion that independence equates to strength and that seeking help is a sign of weakness. In reality, human beings are inherently social creatures who thrive on connection and support from others. Admitting that you need help or companionship is not a weakness; it’s a natural part of being human. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to lean on others can enrich your life, providing comfort, wisdom, and a sense of belonging.
Should #4: I Should Make Everyone Happy Regardless of My Needs
A self-sacrificing mindset stems from the desire to be liked and accepted, but it often results in neglecting your own well-being. It's impossible to please everyone, and attempting to do so will only drain your energy and diminish your happiness. You are entitled to prioritize your own needs and happiness. By focusing on your well-being first, you can create healthier, more balanced relationships where your needs are respected and valued. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's essential for sustaining your ability to support and care for others.
Should #5: I Should Be Perfect and Strive to Be What Others Expect
Perfection is a myth. The notion that you should be perfect and strive to meet others' expectations leads to constant self-criticism and dissatisfaction. This stems from societal pressures, cultural norms, and the fear of judgment. Perfection is an unattainable standard that creates unrealistic demands on yourself, resulting in stress and a perpetual sense of failure. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on progress and personal growth. Striving to be what others expect can prevent you from living authentically and pursuing your true passions.
Time to Stop Holding Your Authentic Self Hostage
It's time to stop holding your authentic self hostage and break free from the constraints of should-napping. Breaking free from the tyranny of "shoulds" can transform your life, allowing you to live with more freedom, authenticity, and joy. These ingrained beliefs—feeling you should have everything figured out, always be productive, never need anyone, make everyone happy, and be perfect—only serve to weigh you down and keep you from reaching your full potential. By challenging these "shoulds" and embracing your true desires, you open the door to a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Remember, it's okay to be a work in progress, to rest, to seek help, to prioritize your own needs, and to embrace imperfection. You are enough just as you are. Embrace your authentic self and start living your best life today!
Want more tips on overcoming should-napping? Check out my new book, Become Who You Are Meant to Be in Your Personal Life available on Amazon.com. You'll find 30 practices for becoming who you are MEANT to be, letting go of the notion you SHOULD be anyone but your Authentic Self.