Tough Conversations!

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Thank you, Dustin Dale

"We need to talk about your performance."

This line is one of the most commonly used by leaders when a tough conversation needs to happen in the workplace.

I am going to share a dark secret... I used to use this line as well.

But one day, I realized something that shifted my thinking and how I approached tough conversations.

I didn't need to start with the direction/objective first because it dawned on me that using that specific line right away in the conversation would turn their thinking into defense and reactive mode.

I had a moment of focus, and I analyzed all the previous conversations and how unproductive they were in the big picture. It all tied back to the fact that I began each conversation with those exact words.

So, what was the shift? If you are reading, I assume you might be saying, "Well, Dustin, tell us what should be said instead."

I realized that my arrival at that specific conversation about the employee's performance had begun long before the conversation occurred.

The "tough conversations" were leading up to that final touch base or check-in (whatever jargon you want to use) and that final conversation didn't need to be the tough conversation.

Why?

If I had clearly developed the objective and expectation early on and coached the employee up to the date of delivery, there would have been no need to start with the line, "We need to talk about your performance."

I am also aware that many may disagree with this and argue that time, priorities, and team size are factors. To which I am aware of.

I would like to offer you a different perspective or additional tool/resource. Not to change you.

I also offer this suggestion so that you can think about your organization and the leaders who make up the organizational chart and ask yourself this question.

Who in my leadership struggles to hold tough conversations?

Over the past decade, I've been coaching leaders from CEO to front-line leadership, and I've noted common tendencies among these individuals.

I can only share some of them as this newsletter would be run-on for a few days, but I will focus on the top 3 that were the most common.

1. They were never properly trained in the psychology of conversations.

I observed that the training and development they received throughout their careers needed one critical component: understanding how communication works.

Quick Tip.

When training trainers on this aspect of leadership, it is crucial that they understand that communication is based heavily on active listening and deciphering facts, feelings, and false thoughts.

Employees will focus their responses (conversations) on one of those three, and the leader should be able to identify where and in what context the conversation belongs. When a leader possesses that skill, they can become effective with their feedback (responses) and clearly coach complex discussions.

2. They struggle to call out excuses.

A leader sets a development plan with their employee and creates the framework. The leader needs to ask this question, "What would be some excuses you'd find not to complete or give 100% to this project/plan?"

Quick Tip.

Please pay close attention to why I chose to add this in the expectation stage. It's not going to come across as an attack- it comes across as a planning strategy. The reason is that the conversation between the leader and the employee in a planning session is about collaboration.

The leader who frames that question in the context, "I want to ensure that you succeed, and just like me, I often fall into excuse traps and end up behind on time. What excuses would you find not to complete or give 100% to this project/plan?"

A very effective leader who can communicate knows exactly how to frame a tough question in a way that provokes thoughts rather than arguments.

3. They waited till it was too late.

I saved this point for last because it sums up the whole point of this edition. Tough conversations are tougher when a leader waits too long to step in and address situations.

Quick Tip.

If you go back to the beginning of this newsletter, you will see that the common mistake (including mine) was not realizing the "tough conversations" needed to happen sooner rather than later.

I want to be very clear that I am not talking about micro-managing but about being transparent throughout the process rather than waiting until the end.

The leader needs to be transparent from the beginning, and when setting the objectives/goals/annual plans, etc., the leader should set the tone for success.

Leader: "As we progress and finalize this plan, let's schedule touchpoints to stay on pace. During these touchpoints, let's focus on what's derailing you or the team and create pivot solutions."

Using this framework, the leader can now address "tough conversations" earlier in the process rather than waiting until the end.

Final note.

Only some employees will be cooperative. This ties back to points I've made in previous editions, that the "tough conversation" might be that the employee is not the right fit for the organization when they have been given the proper chance and time to display reflective correction in performance and failed to accept accountability. That is when the leader needs the courage to have a tough conversation.

I hope this edition provides you with a new framework for approaching tough conversations. Remember that leadership is about being a lifelong student and a master applicator.

Are you focused on taking your leadership development to the next level?

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Book Links:

Learn to Lead by Serving; The Workbook! https://a.co/d/h2ahnFG

Learn to Lead by Serving: https://a.co/d/dsgJQFj

Learn to Lead by Serving 2: https://a.co/d/isIeTRR