Towards Assertive Leadership

As a leadership coach, I've seen many aspiring leaders struggle to assert themselves in front of others. There could be a case of poor peer influence, a submissive relationship with boss, or meek public presence. There could also be a case of being unable to hold tough conversations with direct reports. These behaviors can be visible in multiple ways and be present irrespective of gender, tenure or function.

Aspiring leaders often struggle to assert themselves due to a combination of factors. Fear of being perceived as confrontational or disrespectful can hold them back from speaking up and expressing their opinions. Additionally, the power dynamics at play can make it daunting to challenge the status quo or disagree with senior leaders, leading to self-doubt and hesitation. Furthermore, the desire to be liked and accepted can cause aspiring leaders to prioritize pleasing others over expressing their own needs. 

This can result in them coming across as uncertain, passive, or even invisible to senior leaders, ultimately hindering their ability to build influence and establish credibility. 

 In the HBR article A Simple Way to Be More Assertive (Without Being Pushy), the author Andy Molinsky calls out three steps to an "assertiveness formula". First, start with a short, simple, objective statement about the other person’s behavior — what you’d want to see changed. Second, describe the negative effect that this behavior has had on you. Third, end with a feelings statement. An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized.”

The author further states that "Putting it all together, you have something like this: “When you continually interrupt me during meetings, I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion and I feel marginalized.” A well-crafted assertiveness message can be effective on the spot, but it can also be something you hone and craft in preparation for an upcoming conversation."

 In my experience there are certain key behaviors that are the corner stones towards confidently commanding respect and influencing. These are:

 1. Setting Clear Boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy limits that demonstrates respect for oneself and others.

 2. Displaying Unapologetic Authenticity: Embracing and being comfortable with one’s unique voice, values, and style.

 3. Voicing Respectful Disagreement: Challenging the status quo and engaging in constructive debates with humility.

How to build assertive behaviors?

Developing assertiveness is not easy. But who said that Life will be Easy !?!

Building the above behaviors starts with practicing self-awareness,  and putting a strong focus on developing effective communication. Self awareness is about knowing your strengths, weaknesses and values /preferences. Effective communication is about building verbal and non verbal command over language, focusing on subtle areas like tone, pitch, context setting and building rapport.

For example, to set clear boundaries, you need to identify your non-negotiables at work and in life and communicate them well, while still being open to feedback and collaboration. To display unapologetic authenticity, you should gain clarity on your strengths and weaknesses, and be willing to take calculated risks. To voice respectful disagreement, you should listen actively, ask insightful questions, and express your thoughts and concerns in a clear and constructive manner, without being confrontational or defensive.

It is important that a leader is supported during this journey of becoming more assertive, by having access to a  safe and non-judgmental space for exploration and self-growth. I would highly recommend to seek personalized guidance, tools, and strategies to enhance your unique communication skills, ability to manage conflicts, in order to build assertiveness. Having a coach that increases accountability and support, encouraging you to take calculated risks, to step outside your comfort zones, and practice new skills in real-world scenarios, is an effective investment.

Whatever path you may choose, I would encourage you to embark on this journey of becoming a more assertive individual, and unlocking a more expressive, engaging and confident leadership style.