Transforming Relationships: From Unmet Expectations to Clear Agreements

We live with expectations all the time. I expect things from myself, my wife and kids, my coworkers, and our leaders. Even when I think I don’t have expectations, I do. I expect my kids to clean their rooms, not spend too much time on their smartphones, do their chores, and be honest. Or, I expect my wife to do the laundry. When she doesn’t, I can easily get frustrated and think, “Why didn’t she do the laundry?” (Yes, I’ve been guilty of these thoughts!). This negatively affects my thoughts about her and our relationship.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." – William Shakespeare

If we want to Transform Nations, we first need to transform ourselves and our relationships. This week, I reflected a lot on the difference between Expectations and Agreements.

In this newsletter I will give you 6 detrimental effects of having Expectations and I will give you 4 ways how to create Agreements and improve your relationships.

In our work in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East, we train disciple-makers and church planters on how to start a Kingdom business. Organizing a training session involves many expectations. In African, Asian, and Middle Eastern cultures, if you invite someone for a training, you’re expected to provide everything: food, lodging, transportation, and seed capital. In our culture and program, we cannot provide all that. This creates tension and problems.

Expectations form in our minds whether we want them or not. They are there.

Expectations in relationships can have several negative effects, especially when they are unrealistic or not communicated. Here are some potential downsides:

1. Disappointment and Frustration: When expectations are not met, it can lead to disappointment and frustration, creating resentment towards others who may be unaware of these expectations.

2. Unmet Needs: If you assume others know your needs without expressing them, these needs will likely go unmet, leading to feelings of neglect and dissatisfaction.

3. Pressure and Stress: High or unrealistic expectations can put undue pressure on a person, causing stress and anxiety, making the relationship feel like a burden rather than support.

4. Conflict and Arguments: Expectations often lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications, resulting in frequent conflicts and arguments.

5. Erosion of Trust: Continually unmet expectations can erode trust in the relationship, causing doubts about each other’s commitment or reliability.

6. Decreased Satisfaction: Over time, unmet expectations can lead to overall dissatisfaction with the relationship, decreasing happiness and well-being.

So, how do you fix this?

Create Agreements.

Talk about topics and make agreements about them.

For example, I talked to my wife about who does what in our household. I handle the admin, and she does the laundry. We made an agreement about that. It’s clear.

To combat expectations when training people in Kingdom businesses, we need to make agreements with the groups we train. Through a series of conversations and filling out a form, we clarify what the agreements are. They need to take care of food and lodging for participants. We will bring the materials and deliver the training. Letting people verbalize the agreements helps a lot in the effectiveness of our work.

To make agreements, you have to communicate. Address situations and talk about them. If you don’t, expectations can ruin relationships. It’s like an infected wound: if you don’t treat it, it will create more problems.

Making an agreement gives rest, focus, and clarity. It helps people take responsibility and creates trust in relationships.

Here are 4 tips to make good agreements:

1. Open and Honest Communication:

• Discuss Expectations: Clearly express your expectations, needs, and desires.
• Active Listening: Pay attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting. Show empathy and validate their feelings to ensure they feel heard and understood.

2. Find Common Ground:

• Identify Shared Goals: Focus on what you want to achieve together.
• Compromise: Be willing to make concessions and meet halfway. Recognize that both parties may need to adjust their expectations to reach a mutually beneficial agreement.

3. Be Specific and Clear:

• Define Terms: Clearly outline the specifics of the agreement. Avoid vague language and ensure both parties understand the terms in the same way.
• Set Boundaries and Limits: Establish what is acceptable and what is not. This helps in maintaining respect for each other’s personal space and boundaries.

4. Regularly Revisit and Adjust:

• Review Agreements: Periodically check in with each other to see how well the agreement is working. This can help in identifying any issues or necessary adjustments.
• Be Flexible: Understand that situations and needs can change over time. Be open to renegotiating agreements as circumstances evolve to ensure they remain fair and relevant.

By following these tips, you can create effective agreements that strengthen your relationships and promote mutual understanding and respect.