Transforming Self to Influence Others

"We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are." — Max DePree

In 2003, whilst on an international assignment in the UK, I faced difficulties with my new boss, Carl. Despite being a high-achieving employee, Carl frequently criticized my work and made negative comments. This was a stark contrast to my experiences with previous bosses, and our relationship deteriorated, leading to immense stress and frustration.

I began to question whether Carl's behavior was driven by racial prejudice, especially since his demeanor was noticeably different towards my Caucasian colleagues. However, the persistent negativity pushed me to the brink of resignation, a point where my wife intervened with a crucial question: "Did you join the company because of Carl?" This simple yet profound query made me to reflect and I made the decision to stay and confront the challenges rather than escape them.

This pivotal moment highlights the significance of family support in critical decisions. Having a partner or trusted confidant with whom one can share dilemmas and obtain dispassionate perspective is invaluable, especially during challenging times.

Deciding to stay would require that I do things differently to alter the course. I couldn’t expect Carl to act differently if I continued to act the same. I reflected that during a previous meeting where I presented a new idea, I noticed a frown on Carl’s face. I had not discussed it with him before presenting the idea to the team. I suspected that this could be a behavior that aggrieved him. The fact that my previous bosses were happy for me to act unilaterally didn’t mean all bosses would be the same. So, I decided to start to check things with Carl before taking action, and to ensure that he, rather than me, informed other senior leaders of any new ideas. I focused on ensuring Carl received the respect and recognition he deserved.

Changing the way that I related to Carl led to significant changes in him. He became more relaxed, more supportive, and started to coach me. And he was a terrific coach! He gave me deeper insights into how I could be more effective. In areas where I was lacking, he sought to set up other coaches for me who were more versed in those areas. These were traits I would never have known and benefited from had I not changed my own approach or if I had resigned. In one of our sessions, I reflected with Carl on how our relationship had turned for the better, and he acknowledged that my change of approach and attitude was instrumental.

This experience taught me a life lesson: one cannot change others, but one can only change oneself, and by doing so, one has a chance to attract a different reaction from others. By self-reflecting and focusing on my own gaps, I was able to navigate through the challenge more effectively. Personal development is not confined to the classroom but it enables one to inspire those around them. By starting with self-transformation, individuals can create a positive influence on their environment, leading to more impactful lives. Engaging in continuous development not only enhances individual capabilities but also sets a precedent for others, fostering a culture of growth and resilience. Every time we find ourselves complaining about others or about things, we have stopped leading.