Treating Family like Royalty
Many years ago, an acquaintance of my wife’s and mine married a Habsburg. She was not of noble stock—just a good ol’ American girl whose beauty piqued the interest of a European archduke during a visit to the states. Several of our friends attended the wedding, excited not only to play dress-up (the ladies were encouraged to sport fashionable wedding hats) but also to rub shoulders with European aristocrats. The whole thing made me sick.
Let me explain. I have no principle objection to nobility or royalty per se. If your culture and nation prefers kings and queens, dukes and duchesses, have at it. Rather, as an American—even a Catholic American—raised to love our republic and its founding, I possess a certain instinctive antagonism toward the idea of a formal aristocracy. We fought a war to rid ourselves of that kind of thing, and the framers of our Constitution decidedly rejected reconstituting it. Thus, to witness my fellow Americans giddy at the first sign of someone with a title smacks me as, well, un-American.
Nevertheless, there is a certain interest in, perhaps even obsession with, monarchies and titled nobility among Americans, usually of the young, conservative, Catholic variety. I suppose I can appreciate why: In an increasingly post-Christian culture that eschews religion, tradition, and even family, the prospect of returning to a system governed by pious royalty and a peerage system operating out of a sense of noblesse oblige seems far superior to our atomized, narcissistic materialism. Thus post-liberals and integralists represented by the likes of New Polity have persuaded a new generation of intelligent youth (again, mostly Catholics) to reject republicanism in favor of neo-monarchism.
I presume that explains, in part, why the Habsburgs are enjoying a certain renaissance among traditionalist Catholics. The British Catholic Herald in October wrote of the “growing US following” of Blessed Karl of Austria (the last Habsburg emperor), about whom there is a recent book celebrated in Catholic media. There was even a symposiumearlier this year in, of all places, Plano, Texas, honoring Blessed Karl. It is this popularity, I would speculate, that explains Building a Wholesome Family in a Broken World: Habsburg Lessons from the Centuries by Eduard Habsburg, Archduke of Austria.
Archduke Eduard’s book is built upon the premise of what he calls the “Habsburg Way,” a modus vivendi he describes as having defined the extended Habsburg family for many centuries, one rooted in, among other things, faith, family, and tradition. Now I confess that, in one sense, I care as much about the Habsburg Way as I do Carlito’s Way. Indeed, the very idea of a certain “way” that defines an extended family spanning an entire continent over the course of centuries strikes me as a bit tenuous, if not also patronizing—perhaps my Polish ancestors, many of their names lost to history, would also have developed a distinguishable “way” if they hadn’t worked as serfs in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
That said, there’s no reason why the good archduke—a married father of six children—wouldn’t know a thing or two about raising a family, and we Americans, even if unenthusiastic about hereditary titles or monarchies, shouldn’t respectfully give Eduard Habsburg his rightful due.
He certainly starts out the book on solid enough ground, citing Aristotle’s description of man as a zoon politikon, or “political animal,” while noting that it is not in an individualistic vacuum but the tiny society of the family that man develops the qualities that will prepare him for participation in the polis. For it is in the family, before any other community, that man first learns of love, friendship, trust, and solidarity, the very traits required for responsible citizenship.
Habsburg warns that his advice may seem old-fashioned or reactionary, beginning as he does with a discussion of chastity. “We have an old saying in my family,” he writes. “If you are not faithful to your future wife before you marry her, you won’t be faithful to her after you have married her.” Given the decline in marriage among younger generations, coupled with the proliferation of pornography, that’s not a message to which many Americans will be receptive.
Then again, as our recent election demonstrated, there is a political and cultural realignment underway in our nation, particularly among younger males, who, reacting against the feminization of our society, are interested in cultivating masculine virtue. When such influencers as Russell Brand denounce the ills of promiscuity and pornography, perhaps we may indeed witness a renewed interest in chastity, too. And, as Habsburg rightly notes, premarital sex fosters a false sense of relational intimacy that tends to obscure our ability to soberly evaluate the complementarity of a prospective partner, because the couple is subsisting on a hormonally caused emotional high.
As Building a Wholesome Family in a Broken World is from a Catholic publisher, faith looms large in the archduke’s account. The author urges families to make prayer and religious observance the centerpiece of their lives, which, whether one is Catholic or a member of another religious tradition, is sound advice supported by extensive data. Sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, for example, has for decades conducted research demonstrating the many positive outcomes for parents and children if faith is integral to daily family life.
Habsburg’s book is filled with wise, practical advice. He urges those seeking a spouse to get to know the potential spouse’s family. It may sound unromantic but not only do one’s in-laws say a lot about a potential spouse you may not have noticed before—they also offer a glance into what lies in your shared future. Though we may seek to repudiate our upbringing, it’s inevitable that habits formed by our parents early in life will eventually manifest themselves. Talk to any couple married for a while and they will have a story to share about how they came to realize, for better or worse, the influence of their spouse’s mother or father on the one they love. Moreover, whatever traits you observe in a prospective spouse during dating, it’s best to accept that, while people can change, you’re unlikely to be the one to cajole them into that change.
As for moving toward marriage, Habsburg warns women against delaying tying the knot because of how much harder it will be to conceive children—a caution also backed up by extensive data. He also exhorts readers to avoid turning an engagement into a social media moment, but instead to cherish the intimacy of that moment. I’d go further and urge people to make very, very few of their experiences together “social media moments”: Our relationships, like prayer, are highly personal.
When it comes to kids, Habsburg prefers Christian names over novelty or singularity. Though family histories can be complicated—and sometimes filled with unusual monikers—I’d also recommend considering family names. All our (five) children have both Christian and family names. And if you go back far enough in your family tree, the name may be unusual anyway!
As for child-rearing, the archduke encourages new mothers to get out of the workforce for the early years of parenting. That’s important given the unparalleled bond between babies and nursing mothers. (I recently supervised a first-time mom who struggled daily to be available to her newborn, find private office space at work to pump, and stay on top of her workload.) If finances allow women to avoid this terrible grind, even if only for a year or two, they need to resist the exhausting pressures of our career-obsessed culture.
Moreover, as Habsburg regularly reiterates, we should celebrate the joys of raising children. What an incredible opportunity to form our progeny, both in the same traditions and passions our parents bequeathed to us and whatever unique interests we possess (there’s a reason my children like bluegrass). “Your children won’t do what you tell them to do; they will do what they see you doing yourself,” he correctly writes. I can attest: If kids see you spending your leisure time reading and exercising, they will read books and exercise. If they see you wasting your time in front of a screen, they’ll presume that’s what they should do, too. If you homeschool, as we do, you have even more opportunity to shape your children (my eldest daughter, not even a teenager, is familiar with most of Shakespeare’s corpus).
Habsburg cautions that parenting will likely bring some friendships to an end, as those without children, or who don’t care for children, have interests that diverge from yours. I’d go further: You may in time even lose friends who embark on the same journey of marriage and children as you. This is because marriage and children affect people in profoundly different ways. Some couples become obsessively focused on their relationship and practically or even entirely unavailable; others become so consumed by their children that they become uninteresting; others in our digital age will literally try to monetize their family life or child-rearing.
All this to say that Habsburg’s opening citation of Aristotle is decidedly appropriate. For, like all things in life, the Greek philosopher’s “golden mean,” the truly virtuous middle ground between extreme behaviors, is what all marriages should aim for. And, as the good archduke argues, there’s nothing about the virtuous life that requires an inherited title to realize. Humility, charity, and faith, qualities all Americans are capable of acquiring, are sufficient for the job.
By Casey Chalk, senior contributor at The Federalist and editor and columnist at The New Oxford Review