Trump: "China on Sale – I'm Sending Ivanka!"

Washington D.C., 2025

In an unexpected turn, President Elect Donald Trump has unveiled his new economic strategy: exploiting global crises as business opportunities. After his recent shopping spree in the Arctic, where he negotiated territorial rights over icy islands and gaps in the sea, Trump is now eyeing East Asia for new acquisitions.

"I've been looking at China," Trump says in a recent interview. "When the country goes on sale, who’s better suited than a Trump? I mean, we already won global trade, why not grab the whole country at a discount?"

Trump, who has previously bought hotels, golf courses, and a few diplomatic crises, revealed that he's now eyeing China as "one big red, white, and blue opportunity" that may soon be available at a bargain price when the economy crashes under the weight of its massive debt.

"Ivanka is perfect for handling this deal," he continues. "She’s already got experience making things look expensive. Just imagine what she could do with an entire nation. We’re not just talking about buying the economic zone, but expanding our Trump brand across all of Asia. I’m telling you—it’s going to be huge. Really huge."

Experts are unsure what exactly this would mean for the global economy, but they agree that buying China isn't necessarily a bad idea—if you can get a good deal. "It's actually an interesting economic strategy," says an anonymous economist, "if we take into account the massive resources and trade agreements Trump could secure with a strategic purchase. I mean, it's not entirely outlandish if China is indeed headed for a collapse."

Ivanka Trump, considered one of her father’s more diplomatic assets, has been sent on a three-day "shopping trip" to Beijing. The purpose, according to Trump, is "to get a firsthand look at the quality of the deals."

"I want her to negotiate directly with Xi Jinping, but only after she visits the Forbidden City. It's important to understand the history before making a massive deal," says Trump, while sipping a Diet Coke and watching a drone fly by.

However, experts aren't entirely convinced by Ivanka’s skills as a top-tier international negotiator. "Sending Ivanka to China is a bit like sending a Barbie to a NATO meeting," one comment reads. "It’s probably more PR than political strategy."

Critics have already warned of the dangers that may accompany such a colossal transaction. "If we thought Trump's administration’s foreign policy was a nightmare, wait until we see what happens when he owns an entire country."

Trump, however, remains unfazed. "China is big, yes. But it’s also on sale. We just have to wait until the market crashes. I’ve learned that you have to act quickly. I’ve already got plans to open a Trump highway in Beijing. Call it a global investment."

While the world watches to see if Ivanka Trump will soon be the proud owner of China, Trump is relaxed, working on his plans to turn the entire world into a marketplace. Perhaps next, he’ll be eyeing the moon. "It’s going to be expensive, but it’s a great place to build another golf course," he finishes with a grin.

Meanwhile, in an unexpected twist, Elon Musk, the man who once called Mars his future home, has been quietly making plans of his own—this time, for the moon. Sources say Musk is now working on a deal to establish a "Musk Colony" on the lunar surface, claiming that a golf course, solar power stations, and exclusive housing developments are the future of lunar real estate.

"It’s all about finding the right location," Musk says in a statement. "The moon has the view. It’s time to make the ultimate investment. I mean, Mars is great and all, but it’s a little far. The moon, on the other hand, is just perfect for a little luxury development."

So while the world’s powerhouses race to buy up the Earth and beyond, it seems the next great competition will not be between nations—but between tycoons. Trump and Musk on the moon, with Ivanka handling the negotiations—this is the new space race, where the real question is: who will get the best real estate deals first?

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