Turning Rejection into Reflection in order to Succeed

Nobody gets through life without experiencing some form of rejection, which is why everybody knows how awful it feels. Whether it happens in school, in sports, or at work, you have been judged and found wanting, and it hits you like a deep-seated ache that just won’t let go. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the gut when I was wait-listed for my first-choice college—in a polite letter telling me my chances for getting in were minimal and suggesting that I explore other school options.

            The ache goes away in time, but it’s the other remnants of rejection that are so important to recognize and re-channel.  We have a choice about what we take from the experience, and that choice can affect our future in important ways. We can choose resentment.  It’s a natural reaction. It’s hard not to take it personally when being wait-listed, or passed over for a promotion, or after losing a client to a competitor. But while feeling aggrieved may be an understandable reaction—it’s not productive – it’s not a good use of the experience.

            The best thing we can do with rejection is to make it a learning experience – rejection is a great teacher. Here are a few ideas on how to turn rejection into success.

Ask for feedback.      The first step, ask for feedback.  It is important to understand why you were rejected. Ask for feedback—politely and for professional interest. Seek an explanation as to what about your proposal/job application/submission was not good enough. Was it the content or the delivery or the chemistry?  What did the competitor offer or present that made them the better choice? Why didn’t you make the cut for the team or the promotion or the next round of funding?  Most times, those who have done the rejecting will open up when asked, even if they squirm with discomfort while doing so, and it is precious information, for it is information you can act on.

Practice self-reflection.         But if people won’t talk, or if they brush you off with well-mannered but empty clichés, move on to the next important source of information: yourself. Rejection should ignite soul-searching, and the soul-searching must be absolutely honest.  Anything less than that is pointless – chances are you have a pretty good idea why you were rejected.  Self-reflection and awareness are important, character-building habits to hone.  Recent research done on “characteristics of great leaders” indicated that the best, most successful leaders are those who are self-aware.  You can probably guess why your client either looked elsewhere or was susceptible to hearing the case your competition could bring. If the list only includes those things that are outside of your control, you are probably not being honest with yourself.  Dig deep to reflect upon those areas where you could have done better. 

Process what you hear.         Sift all this information. What is outside of your control—capabilities you’re just not equipped with or circumstances you cannot change? Subtract that from the total; what’s left is yours to manage, improve or reshape to come out on top next time.

            Now act. You’re armed. Given your limits and your possibilities, determine what is necessary to win back the client you lost—or go after another. What can you bring to bear next time you’re up for a promotion or new job? Equally, if you’re in an environment where the circumstances simply trump your strengths and capabilities, consider moving to a different kind of organization.

Plan to improve.        Make a plan for your improvement, and execute the plan. That’s a cliché, but like all clichés, it is sound advice at its core. Bringing together those who are accountable, responsible and capable to create a game plan and execute on it is at the heart of how good organizations work. Moreover, the very people who rejected you once are bound to notice the improvement and be less ready to turn you down next time, which puts you squarely on schedule to turn a rejection into a win. You may end up being grateful for having been rejected in the first place. I have found that rejection can serve as a great catalyst and rallying cry within an organization (or within yourself) to go beyond just becoming “good enough” to win next time and become truly great. 

            And about that letter wait-listing me for the college of my choice? After moping for a bit, it motivated me to become even more involved in my studies and more active outside the classroom. I wrote the admissions office a heart-felt letter setting forth exactly why I believed I was right for the school and why I deserved to be accepted.

            It did the job. I entered Williams College that autumn.