The Twilight of Civility

“Civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof.”

-John F. Kennedy

 “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity”

-Simone Weil

Just Be Nice

Have you noticed over the last few years the lack of care and civility in our society? It seems as though we are suffering a national malady from lack of decency and kindness with a good dose of lack of respect at all levels of the nation. It's really not so difficult to be nice, to lend a hand. There is a phrase in Hebrew: "tikun olam." It means: repair the world. If we can help just one other person, then we help to repair the world. Yes, I'm aware of the irony...but I am speaking of this country and our society.

How Dysfunction Can Sometimes “Function”

My mother-God bless her soul-had grave emotional problems her entire life. One time in an argument with my wife about the trauma many people carry from their family of origin, I agreed that I certainly had my share of those “burdens.’ This prompted me to write an essay for The Good Men Project: The Functionality of My Dysfunctional Family. Yes, it’s true, I certainly have my share of a dubious “inheritance” after witnessing my parents’ nasty divorce when I was six years old. However, there were a couple of  attributes I did take along with me from each of these wounded souls, and that was more than enough. My mother put people first. It did not matter their station in life, in fact, the lower and more hopeless, the more she saw it as an opportunity to bring people along with a hand up. I can remember so many times when she jerked me under the arm to introduce myself and “be nice” to aging Holocaust survivors at Temple on Friday nights. Occasionally, she would actually call out a person she admired in public with her gushing accolades, many times to the embarrassment of her target, who nonetheless was usually appreciative.  She drilled this attitude and action into my brain and heart-as mothers do-whether I liked it or not. My father, as coarse as he could be at times, was the master of networking relationships. He may not have known how to do something, but he was brazen in relentlessly seeking the people who could-even calling someone in the middle of the night when he was driven by his goal or an idea. When he received an angry response from the poor schlep awakened at midnight, he would listen, pause, and then say: “ OK. But can you help me with this idea I have?” Incredulously, but most of the time, the target of his goal, would, at the very least, talk to him the next day. Dad was genuinely surprised that his “victim” was actually upset!

Books and Relationships

When I joined the Walt Disney Company, I was in a very low place in my life at every level. I felt extremely fortunate to become a Cast Member, and I wasn’t sure what I could bring to the company. I had some experience in sales and marketing, a positive attitude, and buckets of passion for a few subjects that might lead to alliances for Epcot. I also had the two chords my mom and dad gave me. Once I found a potential alliance partner I would send them a book that explained what I was asking their company to do with Disney. I sent out a lot of books. One of them was called: The Brand Bubble. Now, this ingenious book explains what makes great brands. It is as relevant today as it was 20 years ago. In fact, I sent so many copies to clients, the authors gave me a high-five at my retirement for selling so many of their books. One of the authors-John Gerzema- has become a friend of mine, now in his capacity as the CEO of The Harris Poll. My Disney leader at the time could not figure out why I had such a big budget for books..until he did. Hey, if you’re getting the result, don’t worry about the process as long its honest and credible for your organization. Right? One time I had this idea to create an alliance with an Israeli science foundation: The Weizmann Institute of Science: “Science for Benefit of Humanity.” Not a bad mission, and certainly in line with Disney’s brand. The problem: it was a non-profit. “How to gain the multi-million dollar funding?” asked my leader. Well, I found out that one of the Vice Presidents of Proctor and Gamble- was a French  Israeli woman-Sophie Blum- based in Geneva, not to mention that P & G was already working with the Israelis on a project in Tel Aviv called House of Innovation. I become acquainted with the Sophie. She was going to visit the US for a week, staying in California. I told my leader: “We need to fly to meet with her even if it’s for an hour. This was in 2012 so no zoom. He would not allow the cost or the time. I argued and argued, attempting to make my case. He would not budge. A few months later we were able to meet with some executives from P & G after successful meetings in Israel. My point? The value of that one meeting and the potential strength of the relationship would have been priceless, saving us buckets of time and money in the long run, not to mention a multimillion dollar alliance for Disney and cool science to "edutain" our guests.I am certain that the strength of it could have greatly helped our cause much faster had we been able to demonstrate our commitment.

 The Role of Hospitality and What Great Hotels and Restaurants Can Teach Us

Before I became a cast member with Disney I spent 30 years in the wine business as a national and international accounts vice president. In that career I was totally immersed in the global hospitality business. It was a colorful career learning about different national cultures, but especially about corporate cultures of hotel and restaurant companies. In the early eighties I was fortunate to have been asked to be a wine consultant to Four Seasons Hotels during that company’s expansion throughout the United States. I became immersed in the firm’s corporate culture thanks to the firm’s president: Wolf Hengst. He was President/CEO for about 20 years and built the company to be the global hotel firm it is today. I have never seen such a culture of acceptance and civility for the employees as much as for the guests. Wolf demonstrated that culture in his leadership. Every person who walks into a Four Seasons can immediately pick up that sense of acceptance and care regardless of the guest’s station in life. Among other things, each hotel keeps a data base on each guest: like and dislikes, wishes and desires. Yes, Four Seasons commands significant prices because the company delivers on its promises without fanfare or egotism: just kindness, care, service and quality.  I have a dear friend who is Professor of Hospitality at UCF in Orlando:  the largest hospitality program in the country: “Professor Deb” she’s called. The woman should wear a cape she is so revered. I have interviewed a few of her students. They learn more from her about civility than they could ever learn in a civics class. Hospitality is civility.

Just Say “Thank You”

Now, well into my retirement, I still send cards and books to people. Hey, this is not a humble brag. Not at all. I just like to do it, that’s all. I don’t need to pat myself on the back for kind gestures, nor do I need anybody else’s. I’m not looking for anything. But I can tell you this: not only do I rarely receive a thanks, I receive nada. “Mysteries of the mind” as the leadership guru Jim Rohn used to say. Well, one thing I am pretty sure I can count on: good ole’ mom.

Thanks mom.. and thanks dad. This is one function my dysfunctional parents did give me and I’m proud of