Two Faces of Me: Reclaiming What I Lost at Age 7

Here are two pictures of me that tell a powerful story.

One is of a 3-year-old me, full of curiosity, with bright eyes and an open heart. The other is at age 7. My eyes had changed—more serious, more closed off

By then, I had already begun to learn the rules of the world around me, particularly in Catholic school, where discipline was swift and often physical. I remember being pulled by my hair for dancing in the bathroom line, a playful moment quickly punished.

That’s when I realized: expressing myself freely wasn’t safe. My internal “operation manual” was being written—follow the rules, be good, keep your emotions in check, and stay quiet to avoid getting hurt. This manual would guide me for years to come.

That operation manual served me well in my professional life. I worked hard, took calls on weekends, and did everything I could to be seen as the “achiever.” But here’s the truth: behind all that success, I was exhausted. I kept people at arm’s length because vulnerability felt like a dangerous game.

After two divorces, I began to see it more clearly blaming others wasn’t getting me closer to the answers I needed. My patterns of control, perfectionism, and over-responsibility worked beautifully in the workplace, where I was praised for pushing harder than anyone else. But when it came to personal relationships, I was disconnected. I loved, but only from a safe distance.

Unraveling the Patterns

The scariest part of my journey wasn’t realizing that these patterns existed—it was acknowledging that they weren’t serving me anymore. That’s where coaching came in.

With a certified executive coach, I started to pull apart the stories I’d been living by for so long. I had to confront the tightly woven fabric of perfectionism, control, and the need to constantly achieve.

I wasn’t ready for what I found. Beneath those polished layers of success, there was fear—fear of being seen as anything less than perfect, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being hurt.

My need to be the helper, the one with all the answers, was really a shield. It kept me safe but also kept me from being fully alive in my relationships, both personally and professionally.

And then I began to ask: What if I let the shield down? What if I didn’t have to be the one who was always in control? What if being vulnerable wasn’t a weakness, but the key to truly connecting with others?

The Role of Self-Awareness in Leadership

As I began to unravel those old patterns, it became clear how deeply they had infiltrated my leadership. It wasn’t just about doing the work or achieving results—it was about how I showed up in relationships, how I communicated, and how much of myself I allowed to be seen. This wasn’t just about me.

The more I worked with leaders, the more I saw how deeply ingrained these patterns are in organizations.

In business, our behaviors and belief systems form patterns. Too often, we play it safe in how we communicate, which leads to working harder and longer to fully connect with others.

We dance around the truth, avoid disagreements, and fear honest feedback, building relationships that are fragile. We feel stuck, disconnected, and wonder why people aren’t performing at their best.

When I realized I had been doing this myself—playing it safe, avoiding hard conversations—it changed the way I led. It wasn’t just about my own self-awareness; it was about recognizing that my way of being was influencing the relationships around me.

Creating Anti-Fragile Relationships

One of the hardest lessons I learned was that disagreement and discomfort don’t weaken relationships—they make them stronger.

In fact, the more you learn to navigate conflict and invite honest conversations, the more resilient your relationships become. We can’t avoid difficult conversations in business or in life, but we can learn how to use them to build stronger, more "anti-fragile" connections.

Anti-fragile doesn’t mean unbreakable—it’s not about being hard or impenetrable. It’s more like a muscle: when you lift weights, the muscle fibers break down, only to grow back stronger.

In the same way, relationships that experience tension, conflict, and challenge can grow stronger, as long as they are handled with care, respect, and inclusion. Anti-fragile relationships thrive on truth and inclusion.

They survive not because they avoid conflict, but because they are strengthened by it.

As a leader and as a salesperson, this was the turning point for me.

I stopped focusing so much on the outcome and started caring about the process—the messy, real, vulnerable process of building relationships that could withstand the pressures of work and life.

My business results skyrocketed, and my relationships grew stronger.

Key Insights from Executive Coaching

Here are some of the powerful insights I’ve gained through executive coaching, both in my own journey and working with other leaders, teams and sales professionals:

• Understand Your Patterns: The stories and beliefs we create early in life shape how we lead and connect with others. Becoming aware of these patterns allows us to break free from them and lead more authentically.
• Cultivate Trusting Relationships: Building trust, both in yourself and with others, requires honest, open communication. This means inviting feedback, embracing vulnerability, and allowing space for difficult conversations.
• Create Anti-Fragile Relationships: The more you disagree without disconnecting, the more you learn to navigate conflict constructively and the stronger your relationships become. Leaders who foster environments of inclusion, even in disagreement, create resilient teams.
• Balance Achievement with Connection: Success is important, but without meaningful relationships, it becomes empty. Coaching helps leaders integrate their drive for success with the ability to connect deeply and authentically with others.
• Foster Resilience in Your Organization: Cultures that value self-awareness and connection are more resilient in the face of challenges. Leaders who model this behavior inspire their teams to work beyond expectations and create lasting impact.

Coaching as the Path to Authentic Leadership

The process of unraveling and understanding these patterns is what DOOR 3 COACHING is all about. It’s about helping leaders and organizations see their own stories and how those stories shape their relationships.

When leaders engage in this deep work, they build cultures that aren’t just functional but are thriving, resilient, and purposeful.

By embracing self-awareness and relationship awareness, leaders can create cultures that attract and retain talent, foster innovation, and build meaningful, resilient connections within their organizations.

Final Thoughts: Leading with Authenticity

My journey from overachievement to authentic leadership wasn’t about abandoning my drive or ambition—it was about learning to integrate all parts of myself.

Today, I play, create, and lead with my full self. This shift has made me more productive, more connected, and more present. I’ve learned that leadership isn’t about perfection—it’s about vulnerability, authenticity, and trust.

If you’re ready to explore this for yourself or for your organization, DOOR 3 COACHING offers customized training and coaching packages to uncover your inner narrative, build trust in yourself, and create relationships that are resilient and meaningful.

The result is a culture of purpose and connection—where work becomes not just productive, but profitable and deeply fulfilling.

Thanks for taking the time to read this- let me know if it is valuable for you.

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