A typical mental health story: How I use it now as a team leader

Men’s Mental Health week.

Just over three years ago, I became aware of my own boundaries when it came to my own mental health. It lasted for about six months, and I had no idea what to do with it at the time. It impacted my work, personal life and overall health. The result from working in an incredibly high-pressure environment, working from my family home and many other factors meant I was in a constant dissociative state where I kept feeling like I was failing wherever I turned. I will keep the details around the context at the time, but a combination of COVID, moving with my partner into the family home, high pressure work and other things was not a good combo (I recognise others experienced similar and worse).

If you have ever had a conversation with me, or spent time with me – you wouldn’t believe it possible that this guy could experience the levels of anxiety and the behaviours that manifested because of it. However, I followed the well-trodden path that a lot of men walk:

-         I didn’t talk about what was going on because it showed weakness.

-         I was ashamed to tell my line manager I was struggling.

-         I tried to work harder to resolve the issues.

-         I felt guilty for being miserable with the people I loved.

I walked the vicious cycle over and over and over…

However, I look back and I am grateful it happened. I learnt a lot about myself, and I truly believe I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing now without it. Furthermore, I have a better relationship with the individuals in my team because I want to ensure that they do not experience anything like I did, and I want them to know and see that I will support them as best as I can.

About four/five months ago…it happened again.

I was putting myself under huge pressure, taking on more and more responsibility which was simply not sustainable. Same bad behaviours crept in:

-         I can’t show the team that I am weak (imposter syndrome)

-         I can’t tell someone who has trusted and invested in me that I am struggling.

-         I have to push through, it’s just the next few months…

-         I feel guilty for going home exhausted and not present with people I love.

Unfortunately, I am still learning. I didn’t get it right this time around and what resulted was me going into a state where I felt like I was in a bad dream, and I couldn’t wake up. I spoke to my Director of HR as I felt an attack of some sort coming on and they ended up spending three hours in a room with me, because I could not physically move. It was horrible, I kept apologising for the guilt I was feeling because they were giving up their time to be there for me…

Although, I didn’t get it as wrong as last time. There were things I knew about myself from before, signs in me that were clues that things weren’t right:

-         Foggy head, literally no new information could go in, as well as an inability to make basic decisions.

-         A fluctuating state of sickening anxious feelings and then not caring at all.

-         Unable to celebrate any successes, constant feeling of failure

-         Constant tiredness, even on weekends

-         Inability to sleep well.

-         Decreased desire to be healthy

There were many others, but you get the idea. Again, if you have ever got to know me – you wouldn’t think it possible.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Well, because I am now living with anxiety, and I take medication for it. This isn’t something you can just get right.

But, I am so much better with it, because I communicate. The biggest mistake I made three years ago was to not talk about what was going on with me. I bottled it all up and I paid for it. Now, I will talk about it confidently and will encourage those around me to talk about it. When I feel anxious feelings rising in me completely out of the blue, I tell my partner. Because I talk about it more freely, she knows what I need when it does start to happen. Do I still feel a bit guilty? Yes, but it’s gotten so much better.

This time around, I feel like I am on top of it. It’s not 100% of the time, but I have learnt so much about myself that I can handle most of what happens when it ‘flairs’.

In my role, I must lead by example, and I try to in all areas. It takes me a little while, but I will talk about my mental health with my team because I want them to talk about it with me. I do not want them for a second to feel like they cannot talk to me about how they are struggling, pressures of the job and things going on at home. But for them to feel comfortable talking about it, I must show that I am comfortable talking about it.

As team leaders, charities leaders and so on, the majority have this fictitious idea that you almost have to be the personification of stoicism. It’s simply not true. People will buy into you because you are doing your absolute best and you do struggle at times, just like everyone else.

I wanted to mix it up in this article by being a bit more personal. It’s good to sometimes bleed a bit of the personal into the professional as long as others benefit from it.

I wanted to share some last bits of advice for senior leaders and what they can adopt in their charities to help improve mental health for those in the workplace:

1. Foster an Open and Supportive Culture: Senior leaders can play a pivotal role in creating a culture that encourages open discussions about mental health. By normalising conversations and promoting inclusivity, leaders can help break down barriers and reduce the stigma associated with seeking help. Establishing employee resource groups, hosting mental health workshops, and providing access to counseling services are effective ways to support employees.
2. Educate and Raise Awareness: Organisations should invest in mental health awareness programs that specifically address the challenges faced by men. Training sessions and workshops can provide valuable information about recognizing signs of mental health issues, encouraging help-seeking behaviors, and dismantling gender stereotypes. Creating safe spaces for dialogue can empower employees to share their experiences and support one another.
3. Promote Work-Life Balance: Encourage a healthy work-life balance by implementing policies that prioritise employee well-being. Flexibility in working hours, remote work options, and regular breaks can help alleviate stress and prevent burnout. Encouraging employees to utilise their holiday days and promoting self-care initiatives can also contribute to a positive and supportive work environment.
4. Lead by Example: Senior leaders should lead by example and demonstrate their commitment to mental health in the workplace. By openly discussing their own experiences, seeking support when needed, and prioritizing their well-being, leaders can inspire others to do the same. Implementing regular check-ins with employees and fostering a sense of belonging can create an environment where mental health is valued and supported.

As slightly different post, but I know this will connect with some people who would have experienced similar or worse.

If you did give this a read, I really appreciate it.

Stuart Milliner

Head of Merrifield Consultants