The Ultimate HR Guide to Throwing the Perfect Holiday Party
Step 1: The Venue
Choose the most inconvenient location possible. Ideally, it should be far from public transport and have limited parking. Bonus points if it's in a part of town no one has ever heard of.
Step 2: Invitations
Send out the invitations at the last minute. Make sure to use an outdated email list so half the team doesn't get the invite. For those who do, ensure the details are vague and confusing.
Step 3: The Theme
Pick a theme that no one understands. Something like "Underwater Disco Safari" or "Medieval Space Odyssey." The more obscure, the better. This will ensure maximum confusion and minimal participation in themed attire.
Step 4: The Food
Cater the event with the most eclectic mix of foods. Think sushi, tacos, and lasagna all on the same plate. Make sure there are no vegetarian or gluten-free options, and definitely forget about any dietary restrictions.
Step 5: The Drinks
Stock the bar with the cheapest, most obscure brands of alcohol. Ensure there's a limited selection of non-alcoholic beverages, preferably just tap water. Don't forget to run out of drinks halfway through the night.
Step 6: Entertainment
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Hire a DJ who only plays polka music. If a DJ isn't in the budget, just use someone's old iPod shuffle with a random mix of songs. Make sure the volume is either too loud to talk over or so quiet no one can hear it.
Step 7: Activities
Plan activities that no one wants to participate in, like a three-hour-long team-building exercise or a mandatory talent show. Ensure there's no escape by locking the doors until the activities are complete.
Step 8: Awards
Create meaningless awards to hand out, like "Best Desk Plant" or "Most Likely to Reply All." Make sure the prizes are equally uninspiring, such as a single paperclip or a used sticky note.
Step 9: The Speech
Have the CEO give a long, rambling speech about the company's fiscal year, complete with pie charts and bar graphs. Ensure it's scheduled right in the middle of the party to kill any momentum.
Step 10: The Aftermath
Send out a survey the next day asking for feedback on the party. Ignore all responses and plan to do the exact same thing next year.
Remember, the goal is to create an event that everyone will remember… for all the wrong reasons! Enjoy your planning! 🎉