UNDERSTANDING THE CULTURE AND DYNAMICS OF CONFLICT (03)
Conflict as an opportunity
I get it: it is difficult to empathize with our opponent in the middle of a conflict. That is why we must train to show empathy in times of peace. In conflict, we sometimes respond with anger to our disappointment instead of giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and conceiving that they made an honest mistake. But we must keep in mind that when we engage our opponent in a dialogue, we revive their human side. If both parties seize the opportunity to learn what is not working, they will grow richer and more prosperous in the figurative and who knows the literal way.
Your ability to resolve a conflict comes from understanding what caused the conflict in the first place. The medical doctor identifies the cause of the disease before treating it. Finally, your conflict can lead you to understand yourself, your opponent, your organization, and your relationship. That is an opportunity only conflict can provide.
Mastering the dynamics of conflict
Why do we approach our conflicts in a spirit of combat if our conflicts are opportunities? Our instinct has been so well trained to fight, flight, or freeze in front of adversity that we tend to practice that without a clue what we do. We can get out of this conditioned system, but first, let us understand the typical neurophysiological responses most of us have to perceived aggression.
Suppose that two people have a conflict. They are represented as John and Jacoby. It does not matter who started the hostility; what matters to John is what John feels, and what matters to Jacoby, you guessed it is what Jacoby feels. What matters even better is what they perceive the other person to be. If you enter their brain, they think that the other person is aggressive, uncaring, and needs to be disciplined.
When these people feel and perceive things this way, their next steps may be to counterattack their aggressor, defend themselves, gossip, or blame. They may run away, shut down, refuse to budge, or undermine. All these tactics are counterproductive and destructive. How and why? Suppose that John is the one who started the whole thing. Let’s consider the outcome when Jacoby responds inappropriately.
Jacoby counterattacks. -->John gains the sympathy of others and is no longer seen as the attacker.
Jacoby withdraws. -->John gains the sympathy of others when he claims that Jacoby is never available or refuses to talk.
Jacoby becomes defensive. -->John gains the sympathy of others when he claims that Jacoby is not listening.
Take any of the responses above, and you will end up with the scale being skewed. So, what do you do? You change the dynamics.
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From flight or fight to friendship
I hear you ask, “how to overcome the fight-or-flight mode and join someone we fear, distrust, or who seems to continue attacking us?” It is not easy to answer, mainly if you are in rage or fear. But scientists have discovered that you have two options to aggression: fight or flight, and tend and befriend.
If you experience conflict as an opportunity, you automatically change how you perceive your opponents and how you approach the conflict. If you understand that your opponent is confusing you with the problem, you will shift the response from attacking back or withdrawing to explaining the problem as the problem, not your opponent as the problem.
It will not be easy in your first go-round and will require practice and patience. When you practice that, you will start to find common interests. Let’s face it: you are not always going to solve your conflicts just by using these techniques I’m teaching you today. Sometimes, you will need to bring a mediator. But learn to focus on the problem, not the person. Focus on the future, not the present. Create introspection, not extrospection. Reframe the issue instead of rehearsing it.
If you do this, you will halt the cycle of aggression. If you do this, no one will win while the other loses. It will be a win-win situation. That is what tend and befriend is all about. Again, only practice will give you the mastery you need. Start practicing these techniques in your everyday conversation. We both know how many misunderstandings there are in our daily lives.
Designing learning establishments
Transforming your response from one of counter-aggression or defensiveness to one of listening and collaboration is challenging, yet it is possible in every conflict. Families, organizations, and institutions can shift their conflicts by developing the ability to listen and not avoid conflict, collaborate, and engage the other party in an honest dialogue. Suppose you set your organization as a learning one that thrives on discovering the opportunities in conflict, creatively solving disputes, and continuously finding ways to improve. In that case, you will set yourself apart from other companies.
Learning organizations reduce conflict when they find a shared vision with the group. They set mental models such as encouraging inquiry and advocacy and discouraging defensive routines. These organizations have systems of thinking. Here we talk about valuing relationships above processes and do not only focus on suppressing the symptoms of a problem but go to the bottom of it.
“In these ways, learning organizations empower people to analyze their conflict culture, discover what prevents them from learning from their disputes, and develop ways of encouraging resolution and prevention.” To get to learning organizations, you must first encourage individual learning. Individual learning is very powerful in connection with conflict. That means you need to follow the list below, which was created by Cloke and Goldsmith:
- Create learning opportunities
- Empower people to analyze what in the culture prevents their learning and to change it
- Generate knowledge-enhancing systems
- Regularly assess the impact of each new conflict on desired results, high-achieving processes, and collaborative relationships throughout the organization
If you do this in your organization, you will have a good response to conflict.