Understanding and Managing Anger: A Personal and Psychological Perspective

Anger is a tricky emotion. It sneaks up on you, often at the worst possible times, and makes you say or do things you later regret. I’ve been there more times than I care to admit. Recently, I had one of those moments where anger got the best of me. I was stuck in traffic after a long day, tired and just wanting to get home. The cars were barely moving, and I could feel my frustration rising like a wave. Then, without much thought, I yelled at the driver in front of me for no apparent reason. The immediate sense of release quickly faded, replaced by guilt and self-depreciation. Why did I let myself get so worked up over something so small? And more importantly, how could I stop this from happening again? I remembered the Cherokee quote of the battle of two wolves inside us, and then found the below verses from Bhagavad Gita (2:62, 2:63)

ध्यायतो विषयान्पुंस: सङ्गस्तेषूपजायते |सङ्गात्सञ्जायते काम: कामात्क्रोधोऽभिजायते

dhyayato vishayan pumsah sangas teshupajayatesangat sanjayate kamah kamat krodho ’bhijayate

"While contemplating on the objects of the senses, one develops attachment to them. Attachment leads to desire and craving, and from this desire (unfulfilled) arises anger."

क्रोधाद्भवति सम्मोह: सम्मोहात्स्मृतिविभ्रम: |स्मृतिभ्रंशाद् बुद्धिनाशो बुद्धिनाशात्प्रणश्यति ||

krodhad bhavati sammohah sammohat smriti-vibhramahsmriti-bhranshad buddhi-nasho buddhi-nashat pranashyati

"Anger leads to clouding of judgment, which results in bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, the intellect gets destroyed; and when the intellect is destroyed, one is ruined."

Why Do We Get Angry?

At its core, anger is a natural, even primal, response. It’s built into us for survival. Back in the day, it helped our ancestors react to threats with the necessary force to defend themselves. But these days, threats are less about survival and more about minor inconveniences—like traffic jams or someone cutting in line. Still, the body responds the same way. Our amygdala, that little part of the brain responsible for processing emotions, kicks into high gear the moment it senses a perceived threat. That’s why when we feel attacked, judged, or ignored, our first instinct is often to lash out.

What makes this even trickier is that our prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that helps us think things through—gets overshadowed in those moments. It's like the rational side of our brain gets put on mute while the emotional side grabs the mic and goes off on a rant. No wonder we sometimes find ourselves saying things we regret! AND it is NOT a reflection of who we are.

Stress and Environmental Triggers

Looking back on that traffic incident, I realise it wasn’t just the gridlock that set me off. I was already tired, stressed, and on edge. It’s funny how the environment we’re in—whether it’s the chaotic streets or a stressful workday—can strip away our emotional defenses. We all have limits, and when we’re pushed beyond them, even small irritations can feel like the last straw.

It’s like carrying a heavy load all day. After a while, even a feather can feel like too much to bear. In those moments, our brain is more likely to interpret everything as a threat, amplifying our emotional responses. That’s why we lash out in frustration over something that, in hindsight, seems minor. It wasn’t just the traffic; it was everything leading up to it.

The Cycle of Anger

One of the worst parts of losing your temper is how it tends to feed on itself. Have you ever noticed how one angry outburst can lead to another? In my case, after yelling at that poor driver, I felt even more irritated—at myself, at the situation, and at the fact that I let my emotions get the best of me.

It’s a vicious cycle. The angrier we get, the more we escalate the situation, and the harder it becomes to dial it back. And the more we react without thinking, the further we drift from resolving the actual issue. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that the person on the receiving end of our anger might not even know what’s going on with us. They have their own stresses, their own lives. And by the time the dust settles, nothing has been solved—just more frustration on both sides.

Finding Solutions Instead of Blame

So, how do we break this cycle? The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes: the key isn’t to suppress the anger but to understand it. What was really bothering me in that moment? Was it the slow traffic, or was it the exhaustion and stress that had been building up all day?

When we stop focusing on what’s annoying us on the surface and start digging into what’s really going on, we gain insight into ourselves. It’s not easy to do in the heat of the moment—trust me, I know. But taking a step back and asking, “Why am I really angry right now?” can make all the difference. Most of the time, the thing that sets us off is just the final trigger in a series of stressors that have been bubbling beneath the surface.

How Can Anger Be Controlled?

This is the part where we all wish for a magic solution—something that could make us calm, even in the most frustrating situations. But unfortunately, it’s not that simple. What we can do, though, is practice strategies that help us manage those emotions before they spiral out of control.

1. Pause and Reflect: I know, easier said than done. But the next time anger starts bubbling up, I try to take a moment to breathe. Literally. Just pausing for a few deep breaths can give me the time I need to cool down, even if only a little. In that brief moment, I’m able to think more clearly and avoid saying something I’ll regret.
2. Recognise Triggers: I’ve learned that certain things set me off more easily than others. For some, it’s slow drivers. For others, it’s being interrupted or feeling disrespected. By identifying what gets under our skin, we can mentally prepare ourselves to react more calmly the next time we encounter those triggers.
3. Self-Care Matters: I know it sounds cliché, but stress management really does start with self-care. The times when I lose my temper the most are the times when I’m physically or emotionally drained. Exercise, sleep, and even just taking time to relax can help build resilience against stress.
4. Better Communication: When I reflect on my outbursts, a lot of them come down to poor communication. I didn’t express how I was feeling, or I misunderstood someone else’s actions. Learning to communicate more effectively—whether that’s asking for what we need or calmly stating our feelings—can prevent a lot of those anger-triggering moments.
5. Perspective Shift: Sometimes, just reframing the situation helps. Instead of assuming the person cutting me off in traffic is doing it to annoy me, maybe they’re in a hurry for a reason. This shift in perspective can defuse the initial surge of anger and help me approach the situation with more patience.

The Science Behind Emotional Regulation

On a deeper level, science offers some fascinating insights into why anger can feel so uncontrollable. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for instance, suggests that our emotions are closely tied to our thoughts. If we can change the way we think about a situation, we can change the way we feel. By challenging negative thoughts—like assuming someone’s out to get us—we can dial down the emotional response.

Mindfulness and meditation practices also help. Studies have shown that regularly practicing mindfulness can actually rewire the brain, making us less reactive to emotional triggers. The more we train ourselves to be present and aware of our emotions, the easier it becomes to manage them in real time. Practice is key.

Yes, Anger is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to control us. Through a combination of self-awareness, self-care, and practical strategies, we can learn to manage our emotions more effectively. It’s not about suppressing how we feel, but about recognising what’s really going on beneath the surface and choosing a response that reflects the person we want to be—not the person we become in moments of frustration. The next time you're stuck in traffic, or when your colleague/subordinate commits a mistake, or your kid tests your patience after a long day, amongst other triggers, try to remind yourself of that. After all, it’s not the traffic that’s the problem—it’s how we choose to react to it. “CHOOSE"