Unlearning: 'Women are not ambitious'

Just over 10 years ago, I was offered an amazing government job over a delicious lunch at a Chinese restaurant in downtown Toronto. The job was perfect for me in so many ways. It would have enabled me to bring my many years of experience to a senior level role in government where I could help shape the future of a whole sector. And it was there, almost sitting on the table beside the Dim Sum custard buns that we were having for dessert. Those buns were sooo good. Warm and oozing with custard. Sorry - I digress.

Back to the job. So much potential for impact. Great salary. Health benefits. Pension. It was all mine for the taking. Until I asked one question.

“Are the hours flexible?”

The answer was a firm no.

So, I said no too.

Buh-bye to my ideal job.

I was the sole parent of a child that was struggling in the school environment. Sometimes getting to school was a challenge. Other times, it was a complete nightmare that ended up with both of us crying and hugging, and another day of school missed. It did not impact the quality of my work as I would often work in the evening after he went to bed or in the early morning, which was a productive time for me anyway. But needing some flexibility was a major barrier for me in finding higher level roles with better pay and security.

So, I started a business instead and found myself working harder than I ever had in my life, constantly hustling, and working – sometimes to the detriment of my son. My guilt was never-ending, and I still carry it to this day, wondering if I had been able to have a steadier job, less stress in the home, more holiday time, weekends completely off, etc etc, maybe I would have been a better mom. Maybe I would have been more patient and less stressed. Maybe.

My decision to not take the job had nothing to do with not having ambition. I am very ambitious when it comes to the impact I can have on the world. I had been an Executive Director/CEO in the nonprofit sector in the UK and Canada for over 15 years. I had been a representative of the sector at national level, sitting at tables with corporate CEOs in the UK, and working at provincial level in Canada. Being able to lead a government program that could help shape the sector for the future was literally a dream come true for me. But I had to choose being a mom over being ambitious.

I was not alone in this experience. Many of the women in my life that had children were experiencing similar challenges in all sectors. We had ambition and would have loved to have higher level opportunities, but the structure of work at the time was too rigid in terms of hours and location, for us to move up and give what was being asked in those roles.

The story of women not being ambitious has been a pervasive one, continually battling with the 1980s image of the ‘career woman’ or ‘ball buster’ as women were called that demonstrated ambition and wanted to move up. Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg contributed to this idea that women were giving up careers and not ‘leaning into’ leadership roles because we lacked ambition. But this is not true for many women, and we now have the research to prove it.

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Hope to see you on the other side!

Lianne