Unlocking the Art of Conversational Flow

Some people just seem to know how to use their communication skills to connect with others in a conversation. They can keep an interaction going. There’s a buzz.

There are times, however, when a lack of conversational skills training shows up in awkward silences. You use questions that lead to one word responses. Hardly enough for a trickle of conversation, let alone a flow. Your brain stretches out like jelly fish tentacles trying to find topics to grab but there’s nothing but emptiness.

Glen’s Crappy Convo

Take Glen (not his real name) for example. As the CEO of an engineering company, he was part of a delegation of company heads when he met Steve who ran a sports supply business. One meal time, Glen, the CEO of an engineering company found himself sitting next to Steve.

“It was a sort of ‘jolting’ conversation. Very staccato. I hadn’t a clue how to get the conversation going and I was there to make contacts.”

His sense of failure was exacerbated further when he noticed another delegate from the group, seated next to Steve, as they were being bussed to an event. “They both seemed to be having a such a good conversation. Lots of chatting. Lots of to and fro. Not the effect I’d had.”

In your experience, you may have looked at people at parties having buzzing conversations, while you stand there like a lamppost. Then there are those networking situations where you never seem to get beyond defining job roles and the temperature of the room. Alternatively, you might find yourself hammering out facts and data with prospects and customers but, as you leave, you have this sense that you haven’t hit the mark. Without any conversational skills training, you’ve no idea what to do instead. Until now, you may not have even known such training existed.

The Benefits of Asking the Right Questions

Research shows that question-asking increases liking and, therefore, trust. Furthermore, you’ll see the motivators behind decisions emerge along with challenges and opportunities that would be hidden without showing curiosity.

So what kind of questions can you ask that serve to bring the customer to your product or service before you start pulling out the stats and trying to persuade them that you’re the best?

Journalist, Charles Duhigg, in his book, ‘Supercommunicators’, discovered that your conversational skills are enhanced with questions that reveal values, beliefs, and what the other person most cares about. What you’ll find is that you only need to combine one or two of these questions with active listening for a connection to rapidly develop.

Even better is that decent questions markedly improve bonds in both social as well as professional situations. Those bonds are as valuable if you want to have people buy your product or service as they are if you’re looking for a date.

Using the E.V.O.K.E. Model for Better Conversations

An efficient way of pinpointing questions that open up the flow of conversations is to use the E.V.O.K.E. model. Use E.V.O.K.E. questions for deeper responses: useful in customer interactions (and in life generally!)

*Note that asking ‘Why’ is dropped here as it tends to generate more defensive responses.

You Still Need Closed Questions

As it would be uncomfortable to put such open questions upfront in a conversation, you need to first form rapport, using closed questions to ‘place’ a person and their context.

Asking a prospect in a sales conversation, “Tell me about the last time you cried” will likely be met with a silence that assigns your interaction to a pit. Then again, asking questions such as, “Where do you live?” has limits. It’s a closed, and, generally, one word answer. However, closed questions do help you ‘place’ a person and their context.

If you want to form bonds that make people trust you, here’s the golden ticket: ask a follow up question. Studies demonstrate that an open follow up question not only increases affinity between people but unearths the motivators and fears of others. In addition, if you find social chit chat awkward and uncomfortable (or just totally ‘cringey’), such questions take the pressure off you as the other person reciprocates your curiosity.

Preparation Makes all the difference

Dr Alison Brooks Woods, author of Harvard research conversational patterns states that taking as little as 20 seconds to jot down a couple of topics before engaging in a conversation results in:

• Fewer awkward pauses
• Less anxiety and
• Participants stating conversations feeling better.

In my business networking courses, this is evident without exception. The tweak I make is that, instead of focusing on topics you want to talk about, focus on questions you’ll ask: one closed and two open questions. Write these down before your interaction then stick them in your pocket. You’ll probably find that you don’t even keep to those questions. Nevertheless, the conversation will flow down unexpected tributaries that will be mutually satisfying and revealing.

It is the fulfilment of the interaction as much as growing trust that this underpins that make the E.V.O.K.E. questions so powerful.

Your Action Step

1. Think of the next event you’ll be going to. It doesn’t matter whether you’ll know people or not.
2. Write one closed questions and two open ones on a piece of paper or card. Have them on you when you go into the event, ensuring you look at them beforehand.
3. Use at least one of these questions and see the conversation flow. Use another one if necessary but don’t worry if you don’t have the chance to use them all. The interaction will find its own dynamic.

Considering improving your ability to connect with others? Look at my business networking skills training. Dip into this conversational skills training to see how I work with clients to enrich their interactions in business.

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