Update Your Picture

Ever been caught off guard by a compliment and thought, "Wait, am I really that awesome or is someone pulling my leg?"

Just the other day, friends swung by to be guinea pigs for my Mediterranean "culinary experiment." To my surprise, not only did they shower me with praise, but they also staged a polite tug-of-war over the leftovers of the Tzatziki, Baba Ghanoush, stuffed mini-peppers, cabbage rolls and chicken koftas.

I have never seen myself as the next Gordon Ramsay, despite my love affair with food. Especially healthy food.   I love the instant gratifications of experimenting new dishes. But it wasn’t so for most of my life.  

Until three years ago, my Singapore kitchen was so untouched, even the cockroaches were like, "Is this place open?" While Singapore is the most expensive city in the world, there is abundance of convenient, tasty, and affordable eating out or takeaways.  It was during COVID-19 lockdown when I started working from home that I discovered the joy of cooking and eating wholesome food.

Cooking for me became like a kind of meditation when time stops ticking. I am in the state of flow. As Positive Psychology icon the late Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi said: “The happiest people spend much time in a state of flow - the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.” 

So, when my friends dubbed me a "great chef," I was floored! But there were some incriminating evidences that they were not just giving polite compliments from how they licked the dishes and asked to take away the little left over. That’s not the image I had of myself.  I thought it might be a fluke but even when I ventured into preparing new dishes, I still get raving compliments and “orders” for takeaways.

Should I keep the old image I have about myself of the Lisa who can’t cook or update the mental picture that I have about myself?   

We are Changing Everyday

According to Scientific American, a grown man is made up of roughly 30 trillion human cells. About 72 percent of those, by mass, are fat and muscle, which renew themselves on an average of 12 to 50 years, respectively. The remainders are tiny cells in our blood, which live only three to 120 days, and tiny cells lining our gut typically live less than a week. Hence it is estimated about 330 billion cells are replaced daily, equivalent to about 1 percent of all our cells. In 80 to 100 days, 30 trillion will have replenished—the equivalent of a new you (by numbers).

This is an illustration of how we physically change with time, what is not as visible could be the change which is happening within us: our knowledge, skills, beliefs, and mindset.

When did you last updated the mental picture you have about yourself?

How often do you catch yourself saying “I am not good at xx (fill in the blank with an activity or subject)”? And when is the last time you check if the statement is still true?

For many people, the root of undervalue our true worth and capabilities can be traced back to past traumas. Perhaps someone laughed at us when sang in kindergarten and till today we feel ashamed to sing, even if we can sign well. Perhaps someone criticized our drawing, and we stopped trying. In many cases, we learnt from the criticism we heard at home, school and frenemies about everything that we did that was not good enough.

I am not good at leading people.

Through a big part of my leadership roles, the voice in head kept critiquing me “Lisa, you’re not good at people leadership…” This perception stemmed on my experience more than 18 years ago when I was a first-time leader leading a small and inexperience team growing the organization at a startup rapid speed.

At that time, I was more focused on the business outcomes and not so much on the people I lead.  Sure, I hit those business targets, but let's just say I also scored a "perfect 10" in the Burnout Olympics and my team's engagement level was as flat as a pancake on a Sunday morning!

I perceived myself as a failed leader. When a more skilled leader came into the picture, I departed the company and passed on to her the leadership of the team and organization I had built, feeling relief.

This was the (mental) picture I carried in my head when I joined my current company as an HR Business Partner (HR Expert).  For more than 10 years this unhelpful mental picture confined my career within the Expert/ Individual Contributor career path.  Many of my colleagues and managers have attempted to update my self-image through sharing their observations about how great I work with others and the positive impact that I bring. But it wasn’t so easy for me to accept their kind words.

We are our biggest critics.

We can be the greatest criticizing officers of our own life and neglect to acknowledge, appreciate and celebrate our strengths and growth. Despite compelling evidence to the contrary, I tenaciously clung to the mental image that I was not cut out for people management. Reflecting on my growth journey.

Since joining my company in 2007, I have invested in developing myself and upgrade my skill every year.  

·       I completed 120 hours of coach training and is in the process to qualify as a certified ICF coach.  

·       I completed a program to be a mediator,

·       I am a mentor to colleagues and community leaders,

·       I a mindfulness practitioner.

·       I practice Positive Psychology and have done lots of inner work to increase my self-awareness and self-management, and more.  I

Through my work as HR Business Partner, internal Coach, Leadership Facilitator and Learning Expert, I have the privilege to consult, coach, observe and learn from great leaders (and what not to do from not-so-great leaders).  Through my coaching engagements, I supported many leaders and colleagues achieved breakthrough in their career and business through challenging perspectives and self-limiting beliefs. And it did not occur to me that I should audit and update my own story about who I am!  

Updating my mental picture.

It took a couple of restructuring, a pandemic, a supportive manager who took a year-long sabbatical, a couple of other senior leaders who saw something which I did not see in myself, that thrust me into an acting people leader role 2 years ago for me to change my self-narrative about not being “people leader material”.

For almost 2 years, I have been leading a global team of amazingly motivated learning specialists and experts helping our internal learners discover the passion and resources to develop themselves.

I am grateful to report that based on the feedback from our bi-yearly company-wide employee survey and the direct and continuous feedback from my team, peers, and managers, I appear to be doing a decent job as a people leader. 😊 

Team, thank you for your feedback and support.  I am not resting on my laurels. I view myself I am a work in progress: always learning and growing.

What is your self-narrative?  When did you last check the validity of your beliefs?

It may be true that you were not good at/with xxx (fill in your blank) based on who you were 1, 2 or 20 years ago, but since that time, chances are that you have learnt and grown, you have changed significantly. You are most likely not the same person that your Chief Criticizing Officer (CCO) in your mind wants you to believe in!  

Consider updating your mental picture regularly through soliciting  for feedback. Use the data to challenge the validity of the self-limiting beliefs you might held about yourself by having a dialogue with your CCO:

·       Is your mental picture still valid? If not, provide the new evidence.

·       If the answer is still yes, ask your CCO to provide evidence that prove that it is still true?

The sad truth about CCOs is that keep creeping at night and fear monger unless they are faced with solid data that exposes the truth. Our CCOs are not mean on purpose. They just want to protect us. The only way to make the CCO as an ally is to redefine its job description to “Chief Risk Officer” and have an honest dialogue based on the updated truth.  

Solicit feedback.

Ken Blanchard once said: “Feedback is the breakfast of champions”.

·       WHAT do they most appreciate/admire about you?  (What’s your strength and superpower)

·       WHAT are their wishes for you? (What should you do/try more of?)

Looking at the photo on my company access badge, which was taken more than 16 years ago, and my recent photo taken 6 months ago; reflecting on the experience, knowledge, and mindset I have since acquired, I am indeed very different than the one captured in that initial image not only because I am older and changed my hairstyle but the person that I evolved to be.

. I feel better in my own skin. Empowered and joyful by my ability learn, adapt, and grow. 

I am more intentional than ever about my personal development so I can much more value to my family, to my team members, to my company, and to my community. I am taking active steps to continue learning and growing.

Going forward, it's not just my profile pic that's getting a refresh—it's also my mental hard drive! Time for regular updates, so I don't end up like an old smartphone: slow, outdated, and missing all the cool new features!

WHAT ABOUT YOU?