The Value of Candor

Getting to the Truth Faster

An excerpt from "The Humanized Leader" by Mary Pat Knight

Liar. Liar. Pants on Fire

Lie is a charged word. Feel your body as you read, “You are likely a liar”. Where do you feel the push against? In your stomach? In your throat? Do you flush? This is a big trigger word. Lie. Liar. It springs forth years and years of childhood shame over fibbing, spinning, withholding or outright whoppers.

This article is going to challenge you and tick you off at the same time. Stick with it. As you observe your own relationship with the truth, from the scientist’s perspective of neutrality, you will see what you can do to live as a fuller and more authentic communicator. Promise!

The Many Ways People Lie:

People avoid telling the truth in the sneakiest of ways, advocating loudly for their point of view.

Take advertising, for instance. This is the perfect avenue for half-truths, spins and outright lies. How many descriptions of high fructose corn syrup are there, anyway? Why do you have to buy those boots to be cool? Why do you have to be hot and sexy at 50?

People lie to protect their personalities, wanting others to see them in a certain way. Think of those fish tales.

"Early to bed and early to rise. Fish like hell and make up lies." anonymous

Lying takes on many forms – some pleasant and others just downright wrong.

• Spinning a tale
• Withholding
• Whoppers
• The lie that supports the first lie
• Little white lies
• You can add your flavor of lies, half-truths and withholds here….

Why Do Humans Lie?

The list of why is exhaustive because the practice is so pervasive. Generally, you will hear things like, “I was afraid of hurting them”. Or someone might say, “If I told them the full truth, they would lose their faith or trust in me”. Or maybe you find yourself uttering the immortal words of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, “You can’t handle the truth”.

That last one is particularly interesting. Let’s pull it apart. “You can’t handle the truth”. Really? Who says so? This is a noble statement on the outside, but inside it comes from desire to control the situation, the perception, and the outcome. Why not give people the option to handle the truth? If you are doing your leadership job of coaching the conversation, rather than trying to control the outcome, you will get a lot closer to supporting people to know and understand the truth. Don’t validate your own disdain for the tough conversation by putting your discomfort onto someone else and withholding.

At the end of the day, we don’t tell the full truth (or the truth at all) because we are trying to protect something about our personalities. Let go of that protection and you are on your path to the kind of open and trusting relationships that will make your life and your business soar.

What’s the Impact?

Like a blinding glimpse of the obvious, the impact of a lie is loss of trust. You may not overtly feel this, yet you intuitively know when not to trust another person. You know when you are not being told the truth or only being told a partial truth. You are wired to notice this.

However, you’ve become conditioned to it. It’s like that piece of paper on the floor that you’ve turned a blind eye to and neglect to pick up. It’s a toleration.

The impact is trust. Let’s say it again…. THE IMPACT IS TRUST. How can you lead in the way you desire when trust has eroded or been corrupted?

Your success in navigating and managing change, innovation, and growth is directly tied to your willingness to tell the truth. Your employees cry out for transparency, for honest and open conversations. They can sniff out a spin or a withhold or a lie in a minute.

Let’s find a way out of this mess that’s been created…. One step at a time.

The Road Back to the Truth 

In "The Humanized Leader", there are five effective actions you can take to create the space for more truth in your life and business: The Re-do, Own Your Side, Think Before, Trust and De-Personalize, and Question Your Assumptions.

For the purposes of this article, let’s look at The Re-Do.

If you find yourself fudging the truth, out yourself immediately. Sales and marketing know that the relationship is almost always enhanced with a customer when a mistake is immediately owned, and steps are taken to make the customer whole. The relationship is elevated in the perfect recovery.

The same is true for missteps in truth. You will be appreciated for acknowledging the truth slip in the moment and for taking responsibility for getting back into truth. First, people feel when something is off, even if they are too polite to say anything about it. When you own it, they are validated. Second, people want to be helpful (and forgiving is helpful). If you sincerely acknowledge that you weren’t fully truthful and would like to make it right, people hold you with more esteem. People will want to trust you more. Funny, huh? 

Here is a little script that might help:

• I would like to re-do this conversation.
• I wasn’t fully honest with you.
• This is why (I was afraid, I wanted you to like me, I was protecting my image….)
• I apologize.
• This is what is really going on…
• I do hope you can forgive me, and I make a pledge to do my best to be nothing but truthful in the future with you.

Can you imagine being on the other end of that humble and truthful conversation? The road back to trust has begun.

When you read or listen to “The Humanized Leader”, you will see the other four ways to get back into the truth game and a whole lot more that with practice and persistence, will morph you into an emotionally intelligent humanized leader.

***By the way, you may be interested in our new program, The Humanized Leader Ignitor. It's a 90-day fast track group cohort for senior business leaders to make the definitive move from Boss to Humanized Leader. I'll place a link in the comments.***