The Value Of Values

Many years ago, I invited my son's ex-girlfriend to dinner. I remembered it was Chap Goh Mei or the 15th and final day of the Lunar New Year celebrations which traditionally was an important day for familial gatherings. Yes I treated her like family. She arrived nearly two hours late without notice, but we waited since she was “family”. Imagine our shock when she said: "You should have started without me!" when she finally sauntered through the door, with no apology or thanks for being late. The incident would have passed and faded out of our memories if she had not been preoccupied with her phone for most of the dinner. There were no attempts at having a conversation, or any offer of reciprocity to help with the dishes. Did she enjoy dinner? Were we able to make her feel special? We did what we could, but in the 10 years of their courtship, similar episodes have convinced us that we could not connect with this young lady despite our best attempts.

I have always said that I could only work with people aligned with my values. In the same vein, I connect best with people who hold dear to the right values. This lady clearly lacked values. She did not reciprocate our goodwill, she had never shown kindness, and she lacked respect.

Before I get mistaken for the disgruntled potential mother-in-law, complaining about my son’s underwhelming choice in women, let me explain why this incident stuck in my mind as a reminder of how much emphasis I put on values.

Some months back, I wrote an article about emotional desensitization as a result of our prolonged interactions online. The ghosting culture is widely practised, further normalising impolite behaviour. Plus, the lack of consideration for others is exactly how we lose the 'human touch'. Before the internet removed tonality from our daily interactions, people were raised to recognise and reciprocate goodwill. Communication required a lot more effort: meeting someone face-to-face, writing a note by hand, paying for expensive phone calls or actual telegrams (not that app). That was how bonds were strengthened. Be it through a gift or a call, it's clear when people cared and their actions were often appreciated.

As we begin the new year, it's apt to use this new season to reflect on the goodness around us. Cherish every connection, mirror every kind gesture, and make a concrete effort to demonstrate care. Always be kind.

Constant reminders of how one is valued and appreciated enhance our human experience because unlike technology, we have emotions.