What's the Key to Being Happy? Developing "Social Fitness!"

By Daniel Schroeder, Ph.D.

If you examine the news, stories, messages, and information that bombard us each day, you could easily draw the conclusion that we live in an age of negativity. After all, the stories of catastrophes and tragedies appear to be endless. The COVD-19 pandemic. The ongoing war in Ukraine. Mass shootings. Economic uncertainty. The rising cost of living and concerns about inflation. At work, "quiet quitting" has become a new buzzword.

Are we, therefore, doomed to lives of worry, anxiety, and despair? Or, is there something we can do about it? Do we have it within our reach to be hopeful, optimistic, or even happy? This article will offer some evidence that we do!

Let me start by referencing a study by Harvard researchers that began in 1938. The question they sought to answer was, "What makes people happy?" The data tell a compelling story. Positive relationships, or what the researchers call "social fitness," not this diet, that exercise regimen, that amount of education, that degree of wealth, etc., turn out to the best predictor of happiness. You can read a synopsis of the study using this link:

The Harvard study documented seven elements that form the foundation for an effective social support system: (1) safety and security, (2) learning and growth, (3) emotional closeness and confiding, (4) identity affirmation and shared experience, (5) romantic intimacy, (6) help (both informational and practical), and (7) fun and relaxation.

Of course, the Harvard study only confirms what an accumulating body of evidence suggests. Namely, that we have the capacity to think and behave ourselves into attitudes of optimism or happiness with the same degree of effectiveness that some of us think and behave ourselves into attitudes of pessimism and despair.

Dr. Martin Seligman, a noted psychologist who once served as President of the American Psychological Association, began his career studying depression. His model of depression, the "learned helplessness" model, was founded on evidence that people who experience depression tend to have negative thoughts and engage in patterns of behavior that confirm their gloomy view of the world. From his vantage point, depression, for some people, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the individual: (1) feels that bad things are inevitably going to happen, (2) seeks out evidence to support that conceptualization, and (3) then uses that information to support/confirm their dour perspective.

Interestingly, later in his career, Seligman became the father of "positive psychology." Curious if his learning model would help explain why some people are optimistic, he turned his attention to studying upbeat feelings. He found that, indeed, the model held. He found that, whereas pessimists tended to use negative labels for the events in their lives, optimists tended to use positive labels, while viewing negative events as single events, not overriding patterns.

Seligman, in his seminal book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, wrote, "The optimistic explanatory for good events is opposite of that for bad events. The optimist believes that bad events have specific causes, while good events enhance everything they do; the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors."

So, do you want to be happy? Here are some suggestions:

• Challenge your thinking. Don't give into negative thinking. Develop a mental "stop" button that you can use to move away from negative thinking. Mindfulness practices can be very helpful along these lines.
• Watch your "self talk" and how you label or "frame" situations and events. Negative framing moves you toward pessimism. Positive framing moves you toward optimism.
• Remember that the true definition of success is doing the very best of which you are capable and only you can really know if you have done so. When you can honestly say that you have given your best effort, recognize that you are a "winner" regardless of what the scoreboard says.
• Lend a helping hand. Volunteer. Offer assistance to someone who needs it.
• Talk less . . . listen more.
• Help others succeed.
• Share your insights, shortcuts, and "secrets to success." Give them freely to all, each and every day.
• Practice humility. Remember, "It's what you learn after you know it all . . . that matters most!"
• Call a friend with whom you have not spoken for some time. Let them know you were thinking of them.
• Enroll in a class. Try something new. Expand your horizons.
• Say "thank you" to someone in your life who has been affirming to you. Oh, and by the way, say "thank you" to yourself because you are a good person deserving of self-affirmation, too!
• Implement the "five coins" exercise by "giving away" five positive remarks to others each day. As you do so, move the coins from one pocket to another. If you go home from work and the coins haven't moved from the pocket they started in, make a commitment to do better tomorrow.
• Adopt a mindset of gratitude. Count your blessings rather than your "wants."
• Spend time with your romantic partner. Make "date night" a regular routine.
• Take some time to laugh and relax. Remember, "All work and no play makes Dan . . . grumpy, burned out, and unhappy."
• Seek out people who share your mindset and spend regular time with them. Doing so will help you, and them, build optimism and happiness "warehouses."

Daniel Schroeder, Ph.D. is President/CEO of Brookfield, Wisconsin-based Organization Development Consultants, Inc. (www.od-consultants.com).

Dr. Schroeder can be reached at 888.827.1901 or via email at Dan.Schroeder@OD-Consultants.com