We need each other!

I don’t think I was prepared for how exhausting and lonely parenting can be today.  Despite having three teen girls and constantly taking them places, I still find myself longing for connection. Time to talk with other adult humans about the things beyond parenting.

Last week a friend of mine courageously opened her house and invited friends over. I replied that I would attend and as the event approached, I felt an uncomfortable feeling. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay at home and do nothing. Luckily, I had offered to drive another friend and that commitment got me out of the house and to the event.

That’s when I realized the importance of making time for others. I had to force myself to step outside of the never-ending demands of the house, away from the constant needs of the kids, turn off the computer and the consistent work responsibilities, turn down all the noise and make time for connecting.

We are not meant to carry all of this alone, set apart from each other. In fact if you find yourself upset, disappointed often, even angry and fighting often with family, I would suggest it’s partly because you don’t have enough people.

We need other people.

In fact, author Kurt Vonnegut says that we need 50 people! “We are so lonely because we don’t have enough friends and relatives. Human beings are supposed to live in stable, like-minded, extended families of fifty people or more.” One person cannot be everything and everyone for another person. Our partner cannot be our therapist and our confidante and our bowling pal and our reading group and our cooking group. It’s impossible to be all of this to each other. A marriage is not enough. A friend is not enough. We need more people. Do you have 50 people? It’s up to us to reach out, meet as many people as possible, and build our extended families, our communities, and our loose ties. These are the ties that hold up the human ecosystem, and they are so fragile and precarious for so many of us right now. When I am the happiest in my life, it’s when I’m surrounded not just by high-quality soul sisters and friends who I love spending time with, but also by neighbors I wave to daily. It’s knowing the names of the local business owners and chatting with neighbors in the street. This is one of the reasons why I’ve prioritized joining communities. I don’t want to live alone, and I can’t pretend my family is enough. I want to be vibrant, connected, and communal. But it’s so hard when you’re overwhelmed by the load of parenting. In the early days, I had to challenge myself to get out and find ways to connect. Now with kids in their teens I am finding the same to be true.

Getting out there and fighting the tide of overwork and the isolation of the nuclear family is extra effort in a world of work that wants to eat all of our available time.

But community is more important than we know.

Go find your people.

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