We, The Socialites

Part 1: The Connection Crisis

COVID taught everyone something. My lesson hit me like a truck as I crossed Albert Embankment making my way to Westminster Bridge on yet another long, mid-day walk. 

I was in my second year of university locked away in a flat perched above Vauxhall bus station. I was the lowest I’d ever been. While this was fairly normal in the early winter months of 2021, I was fascinated by the feeling because for most of my life I’d been, well, happy. I’m not claiming enlightenment, in fact, quite the contrary; school made me stressed, dark alleys made me nervous, and breakups made me cry. But, I embraced the negative emotions, coddled by a satisfied, enthusiastic bedrock. So, I was intrigued. How did this strong emotional foundation deteriorate?

The answer came as that metaphorical truck cruising down the south side of the Thames. The psychological dismantlement had to do with a shift in my relationships. I belatedly realised that the rich relationships in my life were the root of my on-tap happiness. Growing up internationally, I found belonging among the friends around me; they were my community, my culture, my world. People I speak to weekly if not daily. People I share deep bonds with; bonds I treat like diamonds. The pandemic hadn’t diminished the quality of these bonds, but due to quite real social barriers, I was no longer actively polishing these relationships. This absenteeism appeared to be disassembling my emotional wireframe. 

“How interesting”, I thought as I reached the opposite curb. It was a perfect grey day; dry, cold, and windy. “So, if I feel like this, then they must feel it too”. I took out my phone and made a long sequence of calls. By the time I’d crossed Westminster Bridge and circled St James's Park I’d made eleven calls. The results supported the hypothesis: mental health appeared to range, knowingly or not, dependent on the upkeep of relationships. Some felt as lousy as I did, while others were actually doing quite well. It also dawned on me that for the first time I wasn’t aware of my friends’ live psycho-emotional states. What allowed me to live life with such fervour was on pause. And if I was experiencing the effects of the pause then what was happening on a broader scale? How were others grappling with this void?

It was not the intensity of my previous high or the depth of my current low, it was the contrast that was so astounding. It was this contrast that I wanted to explore; needed to explain.

The New Obsession

This triggered a new sense of purpose. What is the power of relationships, connections, bonds? What are these things that we can’t touch or hold, but can feel? They’re a human need, but unlike food, water or shelter, they can’t be ingested, manufactured, bought or sold. 

I became obsessed with social connection and loneliness; two topics with a wealth of research far predating the pandemic. The following paragraphs will be known information to some, but I’d now like to briefly try to paint the crisis canvas. I will begin with the effects, move onto the causes, and then campaign for a remedy.

The Scary Effects

Reduced social connection is life threatening, quickly worsening, and spreading fast. 

In the spring of 2023 the US Surgeon General, Dr Vivek H. Murthy, published a report on ‘Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation’, the effects and causes of social isolation, and the current thinking on how to address it. Dr Murthy beautifully synthesises the expansive literature. Social disconnection wreaks havoc on our physical and mental health. It significantly increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes, catching infectious diseases, impaired cognitive function (including dementia and Alzheimer’s), depression and anxiety, suicide and self harm, and mortality. A meta-analysis of 70 published articles found those with strong social connections have a 50 percent increased likelihood of survival compared to those that are lonely. Some claim loneliness equates to smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being obese. And it doesn’t just do this by influencing behaviour and psychological patterns. A lack of social connection influences your biological processes, changing gene expression, causing inflammation, and increasing stress hormones. The 2023 report also emphasises its societal destruction, highlighting how social disconnection puts our education system and economy in jeopardy, and is a likely cause of numerous global issues such as political polarisation, inequality, and addiction.

On top of all this, Dr Murthy warns us that it’s undeniably getting worse. From 2003 to 2020 the number of hours spent, per month, on social interactions has decreased by 24 hours, household family engagement by five hours, companionship by 14 hours, time with friends by 20 hours, and social engagements with others by 10 hours. Now this is a census from the US, but I believe this data may be interpreted as a caricature of Western society. 

On the flip side, the benefits of being socially connected are tremendous. It makes our families, communities, and companies more innovative, engaged, stable, and wealthy. It decreases inequality and promotes economic upward mobility. It massively improves educational outcomes and achievement. Social connection is linked to finding our purpose in life, our passion, our calling. The longest longitudinal study to date, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, firmly demonstrates that the strongest determinant to living a long and happy life is quality relationships.  

Last, social disconnection is ubiquitous, especially among younger generations. Globally pooled data showed that on average one in three adults experience loneliness. A recent study by the Harvard Graduate School of Education found 61 percent of young people aged 18-25 felt lonely, and a report in 2020 put that number up to 79 percent among Gen Z. Needless to say, huge variation exists between contexts. Johann Hari’s ‘Lost Connections’ and Susan Pinker’s ‘The Village Effect’, two prolific explorations on the topic, highlight pockets of connection that have evaded the epidemic. Nevertheless, these remain small communities of learning for the rest of us and have yet to slow the lonely tidal wave.

In short, the research is clear: social connection strongly influences our happiness, health, communities and countries. If I asked you what you would do with 24 hours left to live, you'd say “spend it with the people I love”. Our relationships are our most precious assets.

The Roots of The Crisis

Explaining the causes of social disconnection requires us to go back in time. Social connection is biological. From an evolutionary perspective, tribes with the strongest bonds hunted better, fought better, built better and raised their young better. Empathy allowed our ancestors to create dynamic communities that expanded and more importantly, survived. We are the cumulative result of history’s best socialisers. From a genetic standpoint, our capacity to connect with others is extraordinary. But over time, societal shifts began to fracture our social connections. 

We began to structure society around the individual instead of the collective. We physically distanced ourselves. Instead of living in communal spaces, we built walls around us and our family. The family structure dissipated to the immediate. We became much better at building and moving: urbanising, travelling. Then the economy caught up. We went from agrarian to industrial to knowledge to technology. We are now expected to make a healthy living on our own and live for a very long time. Yet, in the face of separated living, mobility, economic independence, and living longer we remained strong. The bonds between humans wavered, but did not break. We remained connected, evading the connection crisis. 

However, in recent decades, two historic turning points changed everything.

The Digital Drug

The first, unsurprisingly, is technology. To precaution, I do believe in most instances technology enables us to live a higher quality of life. Advancements across industries are momentous. In fact, technology's ability to promote social connection in the future is unquestionable. I’m specifically referring to technology centred around content delivery: ‘social media’. The way to best conceptualise what social media has done to social connection is a rapid, artificial replacement of what we require from real quality relationships. Let me explain this with two overarching ideas.

First, social media alters our understanding of what real relationships are. I’m not talking about the friends and family you chat to on WhatsApp. I’m referring to “added friends” and “followers” who we just don’t really know. We are confusing our real relationships with an unreal online attachment. By doing this, the digital self emerges; a phantom, carefully moulded to craft how we want others to perceive us. The glory of real bonds is the living of our authentic self, accepting our vulnerabilities, strengths, and quirks. The decisions to begin and deepen relationships are made, yes, by how you consciously treat and interact with others, but it’s far more complex. It’s based on everything that you, as you, do in the real world. From the way you chew to the art you like. In real life, it’s uncomfortable and exhausting to hide who we are, but in the digital world, it’s both easy and enjoyable to lie. 

The second, more recent, and arguably most dangerous consequence is what I'd call “artificial gratification”. We established that social connection is a human need. Pre-social media it was difficult to replace this need with an easily accessible substitute. We needed to earn social connection, with vulnerability and care as the cost and quality bonds as the reward. Today, social media, and particularly never ending content (Tik Tok, Reels, Threads), allow us to reap an unlimited amount of ‘unearned’ social connection. We can dive on our bed, elbows planted, and smile down at our screen for hours reaping this unhealthy, artificial gratification. This is particularly dangerous during our early years as we develop social skills. A device in the hands of a 16, or 12, or even 8-year old stunts our ability to access deep connection. It’s comparable to learning how to eat healthy food, exercise, or work towards a goal. Real social connection is replaced with targeted, never ending content. Instead of connecting with others we are connecting with videos and influencers; and it makes sense, it’s free, it’s effortless, we don’t need to earn the connection or work to deepen it. But, like many drugs, it starves us of our need to connect.

Before continuing I’d like to briefly mention the generational relevance of technology. Older generations didn’t have the option to inject themselves with this new digital drug. They were forced to develop social skills, to interact. That’s why loneliness for a long time was largely an older adult issue, a problem for the unmarried workaholic or elderly home-body. But now we must discern between technology-induced social disconnection and more natural older-age loneliness. We are now messing with natural development; poisoning our youngest souls. And parents struggle to empathise with this, which is understandable, they didn’t grow up with glue on their hands. But it’s causing an ever-increasing, confused, generational dissonance.

The Diminishing Obligation

The second historical shift is the decrease in social obligations. Throughout time, culture and socialisation was facilitated by mandatory appointments. Social obligations, although not often sold with the purpose of building relationships, maintained the fabric of social connection, cultivating common experiences and serendipity. 

Most notably, religion made gathering mandatory. Daily Salah, congregating for synagogue, Sunday morning church, all provide community, shared values, and social interaction. However, we are now witnessing the greatest number of non-religious people ever and this number is growing. Urbanisation has caused community organisations and events to diminish and morph. Markets, fairs, or even garage sales no longer happen in the same way. Granted, cities have these events, but they are full of strangers; they are individual experiences. Furthermore, going to work at a physical office five days a week was just recently the norm. Remote work, with all the benefits it brings, has shortened our time at yet another social location. Even education is moving online, especially at the university level, with lecture theatres and classrooms more barren than ever before. And if we look at it on a more personal level, and this obviously ranges massively across contexts, we are seeing a breakdown in familial obligations. Do we have to be at the dinner table at 7pm? We now travel far and wide from the age of 18, how much are we obligated to maintain relationships with our friends and family? How many times a year should we see them? My point is, as we globalise, urbanise, and modernise, our requirement to socialise - to actually interact with people - is decreasing.

But, as humans we still need connection. People yearn to belong to something and build relationships. So, with fewer social obligations, a vacuum has opened up: a ‘social vacuum’. The response? Creating and attending social events at unprecedented levels. Festivals, conferences, exercise venues, sports, restaurants, bars, malls, parks, member’s clubs. While this social vacuum is nerve wracking, I believe it also presents one of the greatest opportunities in history. 

Part 2: We, The Socialites

We now have a better understanding of the crisis, its effects and causes. Let us now stop and think. What are we going to do about it? 

Most solutions today reside in the public realm. Dr Murthy recommends six pillars to advancing social connection, which include strengthening social infrastructure in local communities, enacting pro-connection public policies, mobilising the health sector, reforming our digital environments, deepening our knowledge (so important), and cultivating a culture of connection. Some nations, such as Japan and the UK, have even appointed ministers for loneliness. While these publicly driven community initiatives are commendable and necessary, I don’t believe they’re sufficient. We require innovation from private industry. 

It was the pharmaceutical industry that developed the COVID vaccine. Technology companies and start-ups are leading the charge against climate change. And if we look at most global issues, small and large, public policies and services are essential in facilitation, awareness and distribution. But, private industry has the capital, financial and human, to spar our most maleficent villains.

The Industry We Need

Let us look at the essence of social connection.

People connect in communal spaces, meeting for the first or millionth time. At first, these spaces existed in small communities, anywhere from local taverns to campsites, churches to town squares. As the world became more connected, travellers passed through these communal spaces, entering tight-knit communities, telling stories, learning. Travellers would construct new relationships in different places, giving perspective, receiving belonging. The birthplace of modern social connection was humanity’s creation of communal spaces. 

I see the global hospitality industry as thousands of years of evolved communal spaces and hosting. I believe this industry is our missing piece.

However, up to this point, the hospitality industry doesn’t seem focused on this essence. Hospitality has evolved from service to experience, the guest experience. The most forward-thinking organisations today create experiences that best meet guests’ individual needs; comfier beds, bigger pools, better cultural immersion, tastier food, prettier ceilings. The conversation is centred on innovation of the individual guest experience. How we can better connect those guests to one another has remained on the periphery. 

The aim of this piece, my goal, is to convince the hospitality industry to put social connection centre stage. How can we create communal spaces that best spark new connections and deepen existing ones? I see the global hospitality industry as humanity’s best hope at solving social disconnection. And it has the might to do so.

In 2023 the global hospitality industry reached a market size of $4.7 trillion and is forecast to grow to $5.8 trillion by 2027. To put this in perspective, the global pharmaceutical industry is expected to reach 1.7 trillion by 2028. Hospitality sectors encompass a seriously large range: accommodation, food, event planning, theme parks, travel, and the list goes on. It’s big, influential, and growing. I believe this growth may have something to do with the previously mentioned social vacuum. It’s no coincidence that social connection and the hospitality industry were both so shaken by the pandemic.

I would also like to briefly debunk the glamorous perception of hospitality that many (particularly luxury) brands in the industry attempt to emanate. Hospitality is not just for the wealthy. Hospitality encompasses roadside street vendors who serve cold beer to late night security guards, hostels with their amalgam of sweaty youth, bed and breakfasts nestled in remote mountain towns, and even the pub on the corner. Hospitality is a space where people come together to eat, laugh, sleep, speak, rest, think – share.

The Ultimate Connection 

Up to this point my argument has been linear. Social connection is a human need; we are in a global crisis of social disconnection; and while public solutions are a critical piece of the puzzle, global hospitality just might be what’s needed to enact permanent change. I will now explain just how complementary, how symbiotic, the relationship between social connection and hospitality truly is.

The hospitality industry lags behind. Despite its vast presence, it’s short on purpose, cutting-edge innovation, and bright, young people. And while younger generations are beginning to view travel as a right instead of a privilege, engaging with ‘hospitality’, notably hotels and restaurants, is still seen as a complement to other ‘responsibilities’ in life.

We must shift our thinking towards being an industry that serves the human need for social connection. Personalisation, sustainability, experience and technology are the latest, hottest trends in our industry, and yes, they’re important, but they’re not enough. They require a common vision stitching them together, a singular why. Social connection is that thread. Why make it more personal? Why integrate technology? Why change experience? The answer is to connect people. Understanding that social connection is the why, the purpose, will fundamentally change our approach to innovation.

In my view, the most prevalent innovation discussed in hospitality today is personalisation, or even, hyper-personalisation. Harnessing guest data to deliver a more ‘personalised’ experience. Everything from personalised tasting menus, to adjusting the light colour to mimic mood. We now have more guest data than ever believed imaginable, ready for use in places (notably hotels) where people’s entire world can be manipulated, from what they see, smell, touch, taste, feel – even think. Yet we, as an industry, are sitting there, twiddling our thumbs, wondering what to do with all this data. Is the right coffee order really the best we’ve got?

During the Gilded Age in the U.S., industrialisation and urbanisation saw the emergence of a new class of wealthy people. This new group craved an ‘in’ to high society. They did this, predominantly, through hosting social events. These events were fabulous, with the most sought after guests from far and wide in attendance. These events birthed the modern-day socialite. The socialite, more often a woman, was a professional host. She knew not only who everyone was, but what vintage of red wine best quenched their thirst. She knew their wildest dreams and deepest fears. The socialite stored all the guest data. And yes, she used it to host them so they felt belonging, but what she really did was use it to connect people. The socialite used her extensive knowledge to bring together creatives and philanthropists, artists and writers, senators and tycoons. The socialite makes today’s dating apps and social networks look like a campfire next to a bonfire; she makes general managers and maitre d’s look like candles. We must revive the socialite. 

We must innovate to create and deepen the bonds between humans in our communal spaces. These two overlapping realms, creation and deepening, are still, in my opinion, unexplored. We are still herding people into a shared space and hoping for the best, or using soulless technology like dating apps and social media. And you may say, well yes, but that’s how we’ve always socialised. But as discussed, we are living in a different world that requires us to be better, to think different. Medicine, food, technology, fashion, have evolved in leaps and bounds. Why haven’t we? There is endless potential for new ways to connect people and deepen relationships in our communal spaces.

To cultivate this innovation we need smart humans. Hospitality has been perplexed for a long time on how to attract better talent. Not to say there aren’t clever people in the industry, but we’d be lying to ourselves if we believed hospitality was just as capable as tech and medicine at attracting the world’s brainiest. Social connection will change that. To innovate towards enabling better, stronger, social connections, the hospitality industry needs neuroscientists, data scientists, psychologists, developers, doctors, historians. It creates an entirely new pull factor using what I believe is one of our noblest calls to action. It gives the industry the higher purpose it needs to attract the disciplinary diversity required to innovate.

I believe this could also ameliorate our generational divide. The industry is largely driven by the older generation both in thought and leadership. And as mentioned, this may be the reason social connection remains on the back burner. I belong to Gen Z. I see the difficulty first-hand for a couple of generations up to grasp the social vacuum as they lived it to less of an extent. But, they are undeniably observing it in millennials through to their children and grandchildren. Banding together to address social disconnection will foster collaboration between generations, hopefully giving way to a more unified future. 

There is a last important point I would like to make on hospitality’s crucial role in facilitating connection. Like many other issues before, social disconnection and loneliness faces stigmatisation. Admitting one is lonely can feel embarrassing and weak. People may believe they’re unloveable or socially handicapped. This stigma has crippled us, and it’s only getting worse as social disconnection becomes more prevalent among younger, more self-conscious generations. Current suggestions to address social disconnection with psychological treatment, community centres, policies, research and ‘reducing our screen time’ are not conducive to those that also feel ashamed about their social health. 

But immersing yourself in hospitality is not shameful, it’s attractive. Going on vacation sounds much better than going to therapy, going to a restaurant is far more glamorous than going to a community gardening session. It will allow many more people to engage with social connection, not just the lonely. In fact, hospitality could be to social connection what fitness is for physical health, an industry that prevents people from becoming disconnected in the first place, maximising people’s ability to experience deep, meaningful bonds. The industry should cater to the spectrum of social health, embracing everything from active connecting to dynamic, serendipitous experiences. We can squash the stigma and serve everyone, from the loneliest to the socialites.

The Murmurs of Change

The rumblings of the industry realising this ‘ultimate connection’ can be heard from afar. Here are some notable examples. 

At the Skift global forum in New York City last year “The Loneliness Crisis” was one of its four main topics. It centred on how we can create group-travel experiences based on common themes and interests, enabling people to create more meaningful connections through travel. Interestingly, it also discussed how we can facilitate learning from collectivist cultures in Latin America, Africa, and Asia to individualist cultures where social disconnection is hitting hardest. The travel industry will play a powerful part in our quest to spread social connection and Skift’s recognition of the loneliness crisis is optimistic. Beyond travel, there are other organisations in the hospitality industry taking responsibility.

Hostel World, my generation’s holy grail OTA, understands their users go to hostels to meet people. Their app segments and recommends hostels depending on travel preferences, then allows segments to chat, connect and ‘LinkUp’. This trend is existent among other travel companies like FTLO, Bucket List Group Travel, SoFe Travel and Flash pack, which are uniting solo travellers in different segments. The wave of ‘lifestyle’ hotels with smaller, smarter rooms and larger, more engaging public spaces are also contributing to this socialisation. For example, citizenM staff, titled ambassadors, go beyond that brief friendly exchange and towards a more real, caring relationship with guests, enhancing the experience on an emotional level. More overtly, members clubs such as Soho House aim to foster community by hosting a wide variety of events and training their staff to socialise members. Those with the funds and status to afford these memberships are reaping the benefits of these ‘social services’. They should engage with the larger industry and be a beacon to learn from.

It’s not a bad start, but there is so much more we can do. We have to get ready for consumer demands and demographics to shift. We must anticipate a flood of new segments that will make choices based on competing services of connection.

The Future

It’s now been two years since that windy COVID walk. My emotional bedrock has returned stronger than ever. I can now only thank the pandemic for its teachings; for the fire it ignited. As someone who lives to create new relationships and enrich existing ones, I also naturally have a deep passion for hospitality. These personal thoughts are a call to action.

It seems we are speeding towards a cliff with social disconnection as the deep abyss. My hope is that we can inspire the remarkable, but slightly misguided, world of hospitality to turn us around. Let us not choose the abyss, let us choose the horizon.