The Weighted Blanket Of Self Loathing

I had a shock to the system this week whilst out for a family meal, and it has stayed with me.

I always end up chatting with my niece and her boyfriend of the day whenever we eat out with the family, and if I’m honest we cover some subjects now they are young adults, and this time was no different other than it left me wondering about what comes next for her generation more than I’d considered previously.

If you were to meet her, you would think she is blessed, she is vivacious, funny and beautiful but as we talked about what comes next for her, her tone changed and the vivacious nature certainly dissipated, her body language screamed that she wasn’t happy and her words rocked me.

As she described herself and the opportunities that life would present her, she used some incredibly derogatory language to describe herself, as stupid, weak and limited, her boyfriend was struggling to hear it but he didn’t have the skills yet to challenge how she spoke of herself. I also struggled to sit and listen to her describe herself this way but wanted to let her say it, to understand where she is exactly and what that internal voice is doing to not just chip away at her confidence but to downright eradicate it and my gosh, that internal critic was tougher on her than even Jimmy Carr could be in a roast.

It was eviscerating her with ease, that internal voice was the warm knife and her confidence, the butter. It was hard to watch but I was glad that we had that moment because as tough as it was, it opened the door to do some work in the moment to begin addressing it. I asked her to pull out her phone, open the notes, and then begin to write down all of the things that she would say to herself, every awful thought she had had in the last week about herself, every descriptor that was sitting bubbling below the surface, she tapped away ferociously, as did her boyfriend, he decided to join in with his list, as a young apprentice, he has more than a few moments where he is tough on himself. As the tapping slowed, I could see on their faces a strange mix of emotions, some distress at the words they could see before them, some pride that they had done as I had asked and some fear that I would ask them to verbalise them. I gave them a moment and then asked them to look at their list, my niece’s list was longer than I’d hoped but it gave me more insight about what we are dealing with here. I asked her to read the list as though she were telling me that the list was written about me, as though every one of those visceral slices was designed for me, she started but quickly started to tear up and hearing those words directed at her (self-proclaimed) favourite uncle, she felt awful, so, to allow her a moment to be present with those feelings, it was her boyfriends turn, he was truly uncomfortable as we’ve met each other 3/4 times now, but I permitted him not with my words but with my tone, he started to share, the language was brutal, he got to point three on his list and stopped, despite there being a whole load more, he couldn’t go on, in this moment they were both tearful, they felt awful even just saying those words to me, even knowing they were not written for me but just putting them out there for the world to hear, it was overwhelming to them.

So, the next question was simple, if they felt that way directing those barbs my way, the resilient, occasionally objectionable uncle Kieron, the man who is known to have a thick skin, why would they direct those words of dislike, of hate at times towards themselves?

The three of us were caught in this bubble together for a moment, each of us cognisant of the worst things that the other would say to themselves at our lowest moments, we agreed at that moment that we would each do our best to stop giving that self-loathing oxygen, it is a beast that will overcome us if we allow it to.

It is the weighted blanket of self-hate, rather than helping us to relax will force us to sit in place and stay in that moment, we all agreed at that moment that we would take the power back and when those thoughts find their way into our heads, we would direct it to the other, my niece would pick me when she told herself she was stupid and hopeless, she would imagine saying those words to me, and if the plan works, that will snap her out of that pit of self-loathing and get her back on track.

This discussion left me worried about how many teenagers right now are having these feelings of self-loathing, I don’t have children but I do have people I feel accountable to, young people that I choose to take responsibility for, always have I guess, in a lifetime of hospitality we are given young adults to help mold into the people that make them happy, we have to be ready to respond to these internal monologues they have running, never assuming that their life is all good but checking in and ensuring they are on the right track or at least being kind to themselves.