What Being an Adoptive Mother Taught Me about Patience

The following is adapted from The Extraordinary UnOrdinary You.

Some of my greatest lessons in patience have come from being a mother. We adopted three of our six kids internationally, including our son Noah, who is from South Korea when he was just four months old. 

The first photo we received of Noah was a beautiful picture of a baby boy dressed in a white gown. My eyes were drawn to the number on a small sign placed over the gown he was wearing. That’s all that identified him. He was K06-410, just a number. We knew when we saw his photo that he meant to be a part of our family. 

While my husband Rob stayed home with our two girls, my eldest son and I boarded a plane to Seoul to bring Noah home. Adopting Noah was absolutely the right choice, but it wasn’t an easy transition. It was difficult for everyone, Noah included. In the years since he joined our family, we have all learned a lot about patience and true love. Here are some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned, which may help other parents—adoptive or not—in their demanding yet rewarding journeys. 

Each Child is Unique

I think so many times in our lives, we keep doing things the same way we’ve always done them, not realizing that sometimes there’s a better way of doing them. I already knew how to be a mother, but I quickly learned that I had a lot to learn about being Noah’s mother. 

When we started our journey home, with Noah, he was screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get him to stop crying. Even the kind taxi driver was trying to calm Noah down by shaking his keys. But Noah would not be comforted.

By the time we got to the airport, we were finally able to quiet Noah down. “Okay, we’re going to be okay,” I thought. Then we boarded the plane, and Noah started screaming again. Not only was I unable to calm him down, but few people were empathetic to the situation. I just kept saying, “I’m really sorry. I’m trying my best here.” I felt completely out of my element, and I had been a mother for over a decade! It was one of my greatest lessons in patience. 

Finally, after literally ten hours of trying, one of the flight attendants came up and said, “Can I try the Korean way?” She took Noah in her arms, put him on his stomach, placed him on her back, and started bouncing. She was hunched over at a ninety-degree angle as she bounced. Noah’s eyes started to close, and in two seconds, he was asleep. I had no idea that there was a Korean way of quieting a baby. She could have made it up—but it worked!

This experience taught me that just because something has worked in the past or worked with your other children doesn’t mean it will work for all your children. Change is often a gradual process, taking time and a fair share of mistakes. But if we’re patient with the process—and especially patient with ourselves and open to doing old things in a new way—we can do so much more. 

Try to See Things from the Other Person’s Perspective

My solution to frustrating situations is always to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. In many cases, just that simple act forces me to pause long enough to understand the situation, and empathy reduces the intensity of the emotions. But seeing things from Noah’s perspective was much harder than working with an adult. 

Noah was a baby, and his only way to communicate was through his cries. We would ride in the car, and he would scream. We would put him in the bathtub, and he would scream. We would put him in the crib, and he would scream. If we laid him down anywhere, he would scream. 

Rather than get frustrated by his screaming, we started to figure out what worked for him. It took time and a lot of trial and error. Eventually, in our process of trying and loving and trying again, we learned a lot. For example, we realized that Noah hated being on his back. He could lie on his stomach all day long, but as soon as we would put him on his back, he would cry. 

Later, Noah was diagnosed with ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. He has been a part of our family for long enough for us to understand his needs. Over the years, we’ve learned what situations work for Noah, and what situations will overwhelm him. He doesn’t react negatively to be obstinate. Sometimes, he just isn’t able to completely control how he feels. Now that we understand Noah and his needs, and we’re better at seeing things from his perspective, we’re able to better help him grow and thrive. 

You Can’t Always Fix Things in the Moment

My experience with Noah’s adoption taught me that I can’t always fix things in the moment. Sometimes, I just have to roll with it. I am sure that I am not the only one who has had to try to comfort a crying baby on a long flight home, and I am certain I won’t be the last. 

We all have experienced circumstances that we can’t control. It might not be a baby screaming for ten hours on a flight, but we’ve all had situations that we can’t fix and things that lie outside our control. When those moments come, the one thing we can control is how we react to those situations. 

Oftentimes, we just have to do our best to remain level headed and figure out a way to make it bearable until we find the solution—because there is always some kind of solution. We just have to be patient enough to find it. 

It’s so easy in stressful situations to let our guard down and allow our natural response to take over. Most of the time, our first response to stressful situations comes from our human weaknesses and current emotions. We’re much more able to manage those situations if we are patient enough to let things play out a little more. We have to be active in finding a solution, while not letting the situation get the best of us. A lot of times, it’s hard to assess things in the moment.

Being Patient Taught Me More about Love

Before Noah became part of our family, I thought I knew what patience was. After all, I was already the mother of three kids. I also thought I knew what unconditional love was. But my patience and ability to love has increased so much more by opening up my heart to this sweet little boy. 

Learning how to be Noah’s mom has taught me so many lessons. Having him in our lives has taught us all a whole different level of patience, understanding, and love. Every child is different, and each one has needs that are unique to them. Try to see things from their perspective and realize that the solution may not be immediate. And remember, you may not have control of the situation, but you will always have control of how you react to it. 

For more advice on patience, you can find The Extraordinary UnOrdinary You on Amazon.

Simone Knego leads an ordinary life filled with extraordinary moments. As a wife, mother to six children (and three dogs), and a serial entrepreneur, she splits her time between her family, businesses, and personal growth. She’s realized the small choices she makes every day to do good actually have the power to inspire others. Simone shared that message during speaking opportunities she received as co-chair of the National Young Leadership Cabinet for the Jewish Federations of North America. With this book, she hopes to inspire you to embrace life’s ups and downs and realize the impact you’re making on the world.