What Character Looks Like

On Saturday, I went to see the semi-final round of the NJSIAA Regional Wrestling Tournament in Union, New Jersey. The atmosphere of 2,000 fans packed into the arena brought back fond memories of my time as a competitor and coach. As I drove home, it struck me that it was eight years to the day of receiving the greatest lesson during my entire 15 year education career – from one of my own wrestlers.

Thomas T. was one of those wrestlers that was a pleasure to coach. He was the hardest worker in the room, focused and driven in practice, and respectful of teammates and coaches; in short, a model citizen on and off the mat.

During his sophomore year, Thomas placed second in the District Championships, thus qualifying for the regional tournament. After a long stretch to rebuild the wrestling program, sending any wrestler to the regionals was an accomplishment for us, and we were full of optimism that he was one of two Pingry wrestlers who advanced that year.

Wednesday night was the elimination round; only champions received a bye into the quarterfinals, so all 2nd and 3rd place wrestlers would face off. Winners advanced, and for the losers, the season was over.

Uncharacteristically, Thomas got off to a slow start. He had quite the motor, and typically wrestled with an aggressive, persistent style that wore his opponents out, but in this match, he found himself down four points heading into the third period.

Realizing time was running out with over a minute to go, Thomas finally found his gear. He began relentlessly attacking on his feet, and within a minute, he had taken his opponent down twice. Now trailing by two with less than 30 seconds to go, he repeatedly took shots at his opponent. With eight seconds to go, he broke through his opponent’s tie-up and took a shot that knocked him to his hip. A scramble ensued, and with one second remaining in regulation, the referee awarded him two points – sending the match to overtime!

And here’s where it got interesting…

The opposing coach made his way over to the scorer’s table. He contested that when the wrestlers went out of bounds with forty seconds to go, they started the clock two seconds late. The referee asked the scorers – a couple volunteers – if indeed they started late, and they sheepishly said, “Yes.”

In wrestling, if there ever is an issue such as this, either the scoring table or the opposing coach needs to get the attention of the referee immediately so the issue can be rectified. In this case, it was an entirely “after the fact” scenario.

I argued as much, in disbelief of what was happening. At best it was unclear, meaning the match should go to overtime to be decided justly – sudden death, first takedown wins. Instead, here’s what happened. The referee went back to the center, had the boys shake hands, and raised the other boy’s hand in victory. The match was over, and so was Thomas’s season.

Thomas briefly gestured with his arms out, to signal “What happened?” and then walked off the mat. I, on the other hand, was completely irate. For the next five minutes, I continued to argue with the referee and the scoring table about the injustice that had just happened. It just couldn’t be. Not only was it a completely unfair and unjust way to end a match – it ended a kid’s season – and a kid that deserved better.

I was vibrating with anger, trying to process the experience. My face was purple with rage, and I was fighting the urge to take physical action to flip a scoring table or throw a chair. I was so disgusted with this outcome, and that Thomas was the victim.

I sat down next to Thomas, and then one line changed it all.

“It’s okay, coach. I’ll just work harder next year.”

I looked into his eyes in disbelief. Here was this sixteen year old kid, drenched in sweat who had just emptied the tank and had the chance for victory stolen away from him – and he is the sage giving his forty-year old veteran coach perspective in the most difficult of all moments.

Wrestling, like life, is often cruel – case in point. We talk about values like sportsmanship and character, and they sound noble and worthwhile. In truth, anyone can exhibit good sportsmanship when all is well – but in moments where a match - or life - breaks your heart, it can reveal what you are truly made of.

As I am finishing Chop Wood, Carry Water, a choice stood out to me that reflects this very challenge. The chapter poses the idea that we have two choices of how to live our life: by feelings, or principles. Feelings are wonderful, of course when they are good – but what happens when bad things happen, or on days where you simply “don’t feel like it?” However, when you choose to live by certain principles, you have a a chance to step into your greatest potential.

In this moment of all moments, Thomas reminded me what a life of principle looks like.

Thomas did work even harder next year, and the year after that – and went on to advance further in the tournament every year. In his final high school match, knowing he had already been eliminated from advancing to the state tournament, he showed his character once again by gutting out a one-point victory to earn 5th place. Those six minutes were simply a final chance to give his best, and conduct himself with the same class he had exhibited his entire high school career. He continued to show the same winning principles by showing up to practice to support his teammate Francis Dillon in practice the entire week leading up to the state tournament, and I am sure his principles served him well as a student athlete where he ran cross-country at Middlebury College, as well as now, in the start of his career as an analyst at Morgan Stanley.  

Thank you, Thomas Tarantino, for helping this coach become a student that day. I am grateful for the lesson you taught me eight years ago, and I as embark on a new week and a new month where new tests will present themselves, I will remember to keep this lesson front and center to challenge myself to live a more intentional life of principle!

#lessons #sportsmanship #character #principle #persistence #resilience #wrestling #sports #leadership #forgeyourpath