What to do when a situation is unfair?

I didn't make honor roll one time in grade school.

Because I couldn't skate.

I grew up Indian in America. Sports wasn't the focus at home. Getting straight A's was. I had a steady death grip on the side wall when I was bussed to the skating rink for gym class in 7th grade. Come on man. I was always picked last for kickball in gym class and my low kid self esteem had grown to accept it.

This was my first time balancing on two thin blades of metal.

The kids in my class laced up their skates with familiar dexterity and took to the ice. The boys zipped around the perimeter of the rink with fury. The girls' pony tails swished as they chatted cheerily.

“I can’t skate,” I told the instructor. I felt a swift breeze as each student glided past behind me, heads thrown back, laughing. My teacher had a sullen, masculine face. She had attempted Farah Fawcett’s feathery do, but it failed to translate on her curly mop.

“I never learned."

The words were coming out of my mouth, but she didn't hear me. I was one of two Indian kids in the entire school system.

"You gotta do eight different ice skating moves in order to pass class."

I took to the ice. The ground gave way. Yeah, my fear of falling ensured I was on the path to fail-town.

A big fat “F”glared at me from my report card. 

 “I didn’t make honor roll this semester, Dad."

“You’re grounded. For a month.”

Looking back, it was entirely unfair that I was grounded for not having mastered a skill or a craft I had never attempted before. I wasn't set up for success. But, I speak now to a bigger thing: We all deal with unfair situations in life. If I had to go back and coach my 7th grade self, here is what I would have shared.

1. What was the root cause of this? Make lists. List all the reasons its unfair. I was straddling two cultures growing up. My culture never led me to any rink or any other sport. It was unfair to pin my success--or my confidence---to something I had no control over. Which brings me to my next point.
2. What did you have control over. What did you not have control over? Put a star next to the ones you did have control over. Because these are things you can change.
3. Build that inner core. Sure, sitting at home, grounded for a month over something I had never learned ---sucked. But, boy you should have seen that Roman-themed float I built for the parade. My core confidence came from my creativity, and I made sure I fed that superpower every moment I could.
4. Sweep your side of the street. What responsibility did you carry in that unfair situation? Remember you can't control the situation, but you can control your response.

I head up the Women's Leadership Academy, focused on leadership and self leadership development. www.joyadass.com

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