What To Do When Someone at Work Triggers You

A few years ago, I was in contract negotiations with someone who triggered my anxiety very easily. They had a way of firing off a barrage of questions that made me feel defensive, ashamed, and like I hadn't done my homework. How did I respond? I literally lost the ability to speak. Words could not come out of my mouth. Even worse, I started developing a recurrent dream that I’m in a situation where I really need to talk, but no words come out of my mouth. I drink tons of water, I try every trick I know, but I can’t make a peep. 

When I got to the bottom of it (in therapy) I realized that this person reminded me of an early boss who shamed me for being too self-promoting and asking for too much, which is something a few teachers, mom, and dad accused me of, too. There's a piece of me that always feels that I should shut my mouth. 

We’ve all had the experience of working with someone who triggers us. This can really pop up during negotiations or other conversations where we feel that we need to advocate for ourselves. Is there someone at work who just drives you up a wall and you’re not even sure why? Every emotion has a purpose. Harvard Medical School Associate Professor Dr. Kimberlyn Leary notes this is normal: “You're always engaged emotionally if you're relating to other human beings,” she says. The key is to use your emotions as a tool. 

When I interviewed her, Dr. Leary noted “emotions are really like a set of sensors that give you all kinds of valuable information about the other person, about yourself, about the interaction. If you can learn to use those as sources of data, you will get better outcomes.” 

If you’re not a psychologist with years of training, how do you get in touch with your emotions, and then determine how to handle them? Here’s Leary’s advice:

1. Locate the trigger. First you need to understand what emotions a negotiation is triggering (mad, sad, anxious, ashamed). If you can identify your emotions, you’ll be more in control of how to handle the person or scenario. As the “Getting to Yes” guru Roger Fisher says, “Just because you're mad with your negotiating partner doesn't mean that the only thing you can do is raise your voice.” 
2. Write about it. Psychologist James Pennebaker has shown that as little as 15 minutes of writing a night can help people significantly to understand their emotions, make connections between this event and that event and actually contribute to their overall mental health. 
3. Picture it. Harvard Business School’s Mike Wheeler suggests using question prompts such as, What do you typically feel before an emotion, before a negotiation? What would you like to feel? What are the ways that you can typically cultivate that feeling in your life? How could you adapt that behavior into the scenario?
4. Tune in to your body. Because often a negotiation happens fast, you can’t analyze in real time, and your physical feelings are an actual clue. 
5. Check in, even at the table. “As you're calculating the figures, calculate the emotional equation. Then you can catch up to yourself with the next thing that you say or offer, or don't say or don't offer.”
6. Talk back. Negotiations and challenging conversations bring up all kinds of memories and baggage: of past bosses, stressful situations, and even your parents yelling at you. When you know what sets you off, you can set it aside.  “So, this reminds me of my father, ex-boss, professor,” Leary says. “Tell yourself strongly: they are not my father, grandfather, and professor!” 

Understanding how emotions play into your work life is a life-changing superpower!! Get the exercises that have changed my life in my new HBR toolkit based on The Anxious Achiever launched today! "The Anxious Achiever Toolkit," you can apply my proven strategies and best practices to turn anxiety into a leadership superpower. Within the toolkit, you'll find digital versions of some of the exercises described in the book, as well as additional worksheets and tips to help manage the anxiety that comes with succeeding and leading. The toolkit includes: An Ebook copy of "The Anxious Achiever"; 17 editable worksheets including assessments, checklists, reflection questions, and tips to help you tackle obstacles and manage your anxiety at work; A toolkit handbook to help you use the tools in relation to the book.

You can get 40% off -- use code CYBER24. It’s valid from 11/29 - 12/8.