What do you want?

What Do You Want?

How many times have you been asked this question throughout your life? How many times have you asked yourself this question? Your answer to this simple, four-word question can change everything. Get it right, and it can propel you to new heights. But get it “wrong”, and it can leave you reeling, wondering why you ever desired it in the first place.

As humans, whether we realize it or not, we have the creative potential to pursue whatever we want in life—even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Sometimes we want a better relationship, a different job, better health, more sleep, less alcohol, more relaxation, greater empathy, more confidence, or simply more joy. The possibilities are endless!

But what happens when our desires seem out of reach? Maybe you’re on the right path, but it feels overwhelmingly challenging and leaves you drained. Perhaps you achieve what you want, only to lose it. Or maybe you start questioning whether you truly wanted it in the first place.

So, what’s going on here?

We have a sneaky tendency to modify “how” we interpret this question, and it can really taint the outcomes we pursue. Consider these variations:

• What should I want?
• What am I supposed to want?
• What is acceptable to want?
• What do other people want?
• What would others think is a worthy goal?
• What is the right thing for someone like me to want?
• What do my parents want?
• What does my spouse want?
• What sounds like a good thing to want?
• What do I want to want?

Answering the “actual” question, unapologetically, is the most direct way to focus your time, energy, and resources toward a truly desired outcome. However, if we answer one of these modified questions, we may either chase something we ultimately don’t really want or make ourselves miserable in the process.

There are many reasons this happens, and often rooted in our subconscious: Here are a few…

• A hidden desire to prove our self-worth, often to one or both parents.
• Strong family dynamics that shape what is considered an “acceptable” desire.
• Cultural and societal pressures to want what is deemed “appropriate.”
• Limiting beliefs and insecurities that block us from believing certain desires are possible.
• A deep need for validation that what we want is “worth it.”
• Internal conflicts where part of us feels threatened by our desire.

When you consider these and other subconscious influences, answering the question in a way that is deeply authentic, aligned, and unapologetically true can be extremely challenging, confusing, and at times, elusive.

At this point, one of two things tends to happen:

1. You confidently choose the wrong thing to want.
2. You beat yourself up for not being able to figure out what you want.

If you choose the wrong “want,” even with the best intentions, you may find yourself building and creating something, only to realize that once you achieve it, it doesn’t feel right. You might discover that you don’t really want it anymore, or worse, that it brings up negative emotions about yourself, your decision-making, and your ability to find joy in life. Not good.

On the other hand, if you can’t figure it out, this can lead to self-deprecating thoughts, deep frustration, anxiety, or even depression over not knowing what you want in life.

So, let me ask you a few questions:

• What do you want?
• What will having that do for you? This opens up the deeper aspects of what’s behind your desire.
• Is there anything you may lose, that you value when you have it? We often forget that achieving our desires can lead to unintended losses. Take the time to consider the full impact of your decision.

Determining what you truly want in life is a deeply introspective process that involves understanding your core values, desires, and motivations. Here are some steps that might help you gain clarity:

1. Visualize Your Ideal Life

• Create a Future Vision: Imagine your ideal day, 3 years from now. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? The key here is to let it flow with no limitations. Provide as much detail as possible. 
• Identify Common Themes: Look for recurring elements in your vision that suggest underlying desires or goals. 

2. Reflect on Your Values

• Identify Core Values: Think about what principles are most important to you. Is it freedom, security, creativity, connection, or something else? Your core values often serve as a compass for what you want in life.
• Evaluate Alignment: Consider whether your current life choices align with these values. If there's a mismatch, it might be a clue that you're not pursuing what you really want.

3. Assess Your Passions and Interests

• What Excites You?: Pay attention to activities, topics, or goals that genuinely excite you. What do you love doing, even if you’re not being paid for it? What makes you lose track of time? This can offer insight into your true desires. 
• Experiment and Explore: If you’re unsure, try new experiences or revisit past hobbies. Sometimes, engaging in diverse activities can help you discover what resonates with you most. Get curious.

4. Listen to Your Intuition

• Gut Feelings: Pay attention to your gut instincts. Often, your intuition can guide you toward what feels right, even if it’s not the most logical path. This may be a subtle whisper of the heart or a heart-pounding epiphany. Capture these magical insights.
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Engage in mindfulness practices or meditation to connect with your inner self, which can clarify your true desires. In our fast-paced culture, we tend to be so busy and distracted with trying to keep up, that we lose touch with our authentic self. There are many ways to be more present and mindful. Choose one that serves you.

5. Consider Your Legacy

• Long-term Impact: Think about the mark you want to leave on the world. Who do you want to serve? What kind of impact do you want to have? This can help you focus on long-term goals that align with your true aspirations.
• End-of-Life Reflection: Imagine looking back on your life during those final moments, perhaps that last conscious breath. What do you hope to have achieved? This perspective can illuminate what’s truly important to you.

6. Seek Feedback and Perspective

• Powerful Conversations: Talk to trusted friends, mentors, or a coach who knows you well. They can provide a safe place for you to explore your own thinking and reflect back to you what they are hearing. 
• Outside Perspective: Sometimes an outsider can see patterns or desires that you might overlook in yourself. It can be helpful to seek those that you believe already have for themselves what you want.

7. Journal and Self-Question

• Daily Journaling: Write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Others find gratitude journaling creates a powerfully clear mindset. Over time, patterns will emerge that can guide you toward what you want.
• Ask Bold Questions: Regularly ask yourself questions like “What would I do if money were no object?”, “What would I regret not doing?”, “What would I do if I knew I would not fail?” to uncover deeper desires.

8. Evaluate Past Decisions

• Past Choices: Reflect on past decisions that brought you fulfillment or regret. Understanding why you made those choices can reveal what you truly value and want.
• Learn from Mistakes: Consider past experiences where you felt unfulfilled and analyze why. This can help you avoid similar situations in the future.

9. Align with Your Authentic Self

• Be True to Yourself: Ensure that your goals and desires are genuinely yours and not influenced by societal expectations, family pressures, or external validation. (as already discussed)
• Practice Self-Compassion: Allow yourself to change your mind or evolve. What you wanted in the past might not align with what you want now, and that’s okay.

Determining what you really want is a continuous journey that evolves as you grow and change. Taking the time to regularly reassess and realign your life with your true desires will help you live more authentically and meaningfully, and in the process lift up everyone around you.